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8/30 @ 8:30 PM
TheOnion - Barbara Bush Calls White House To See If She Can Leave Husband There For Few Hours http://t.co/EAEIPvYjQV http://t.co/jQqWkYzBcU

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8/30 @ 6:45 PM
TheOnion - Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation? http://t.co/7BE3fRaUpu http://t.co/Un12sRwuW1

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8/30 @ 5:30 PM
TheOnion - They've never known a time when the majestic woolly mammoth roamed the Great Plains http://t.co/wZiTy4iRnE http://t.co/cJzTwQBave

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8/30 @ 4:15 PM
TheOnion - Nation To Try Channeling Outrage Over Gun Control Into Issue That Can Actually Be Addressed http://t.co/9kBSrEhCa9 http://t.co/RKczB1PHiO

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8/30 @ 3:00 PM
TheOnion - ISIS Operatives Destroy Hofner Bass Guitar Signed By Paul McCartney http://t.co/Dw5jNs1W8s http://t.co/S8M9UNZQ8q

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8/30 @ 2:15 PM
TheOnion - Single, Unemployed Mother Leeching Off Government http://t.co/6QOg3O88pD http://t.co/dkXPsG1cWv

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8/30 @ 1:30 PM
TheOnion - How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls http://t.co/kyAugogLjN http://t.co/UgbYmNgtx1

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8/30 @ 12:40 PM
TheOnion - Man To Undergo Extensive Interrogation By Coworkers About Where He Got Falafel http://t.co/51QuOj74fr http://t.co/xpzhcJ4dQW

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8/30 @ 12:00 PM
TheOnion - From The Archives: http://t.co/6DUThjxKEm

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8/30 @ 11:15 AM
TheOnion - Salt Lake City Hoping To Boost Tourism By Reminding Visitors They’re Free To Leave At Any Time http://t.co/nqJpWJIEbv http://t.co/Kf6IqlL75R

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8/30 @ 10:30 AM
TheOnion - Editorial Cartoon: 'Poorly Trained' http://t.co/4yOIJyXbUX http://t.co/Po4z9fqvce

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8/29 @ 9:15 PM
TheOnion - Lindsey Graham Struggling To Stay Awake While Driving Empty Campaign Bus Overnight To Next Event http://t.co/ewFSCSeDwV

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8/29 @ 8:01 PM
TheOnion - Scientists Confident Artificially Intelligent Machines Can Be Programmed To Be Lenient Slave Masters http://t.co/Nl2OT6kX1V

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8/29 @ 6:45 PM
TheOnion - Guantanamo Bay Begins Construction On Senior Care Wing http://t.co/H0Tbo00nSY http://t.co/TfLnaD6VN8

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8/29 @ 5:30 PM
TheOnion - Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab http://t.co/HVcpKxTSrn http://t.co/smYnpL6fKN

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8/29 @ 4:15 PM
TheOnion - College Still Looking For Absolute Saddest Place On Campus To Hold Transfer Student Orientation http://t.co/sbjVJU1ozZ

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8/29 @ 3:01 PM
TheOnion - It Impossible To Tell What Sounds Will Freak Out Cat http://t.co/JM8YtpPYsl http://t.co/LupmUOTa2b

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8/29 @ 2:15 PM
TheOnion - In Sports: Chiefs Rookies Forced To Lug Andy Reid’s Snacks To And From Practice http://t.co/3RpkDXhhbX http://t.co/okMFppZGE3

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8/29 @ 1:30 PM
TheOnion - Female Trump Supporters Just Feel More Comfortable With GOP Candidate Who’s Openly Horrible To Them http://t.co/lJ1ONkf2fr

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8/29 @ 12:45 PM
TheOnion - Tips For Choosing The Right Veterinarian http://t.co/J6FXFcLl0e http://t.co/fdfwL807of

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8/29 @ 12:01 PM
TheOnion - Campus Tour Guide Reminds Students At Each Stop They Have To Get In First http://t.co/FMZn0KW3mD http://t.co/Yi4FbxCLp9

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8/29 @ 11:15 AM
TheOnion - Shoddy Chinese-Made Stock Market Collapses http://t.co/tivpIZ1HYx http://t.co/Il6Jfj10dr

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8/29 @ 10:30 AM
TheOnion - Out-Of-Control Scott Walker Injured After Wildly Careening Between Stances On Immigration http://t.co/nAfX638HjA http://t.co/RBD3gvOKv7

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8/28 @ 10:30 PM
TheOnion - Scott Walker Watches Candidates Emerge Shaken From GOP’s Female Experience Simulator http://t.co/P9VYldo8o0 http://t.co/twnUSykasQ

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8/28 @ 9:00 PM
TheOnion - Completely Uninhibited Party Guest Still Choosing To Talk About Work http://t.co/G9cRvOYpWq http://t.co/89mPFBtfLO

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8/28 @ 7:45 PM
TheOnion - ISIS Operatives Destroy Hofner Bass Guitar Signed By Paul McCartney http://t.co/sTgQBpVi65 http://t.co/CzuhYLRFBU

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8/28 @ 7:00 PM
TheOnion - Backpack Strategically Placed In Theft-Proof Corner Of Concert Hall Floor http://t.co/Fz0dhAwsay http://t.co/4MWhXMeOko

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8/28 @ 6:00 PM
TheOnion - Quantum Political Scientists Hypothesize Country Headed In Both Right And Wrong Directions Simultaneously http://t.co/c9szZIhz9D

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8/28 @ 3:45 PM
TheOnion - 1 Billion Users Log Onto Facebook In Single Day http://t.co/q9yG2ZSsyN #WhatDoYouThink? http://t.co/d4P3EsNa2l

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8/28 @ 3:35 PM
TheOnion - An average of 3 students per class are named after Korn guitarist James “Munky” Shaffer http://t.co/I3cbw65TGV http://t.co/wqviPmbVos

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8/28 @ 2:50 PM
TheOnion - Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior http://t.co/DgQEqcCqVc

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8/28 @ 2:30 PM
TheOnion - Visit http://t.co/csf5QUbhed to see more from the standard bearer of global journalism. http://t.co/NeE99fJ99e

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8/28 @ 2:10 PM
TheOnion - Driving Instructor Has Own Gas Pedal In Case Student Total Pussy http://t.co/8EPVM2cQYG http://t.co/11PQ6qhwpm

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8/28 @ 12:55 PM
TheOnion - Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina? http://t.co/0xzX21ipkF

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8/28 @ 12:30 PM
TheOnion - Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford http://t.co/lL1P5wd3Uo http://t.co/erqzftCLPq

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8/28 @ 12:10 PM
TheOnion - Nuclear weapons worldwide are guarded by a bunch of huge, absolutely ripped guys. Learn more: http://t.co/HFW8hOGEeF http://t.co/PzoEY5PgKs

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8/28 @ 12:00 PM
TheOnion - Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding http://t.co/7p5zOkPBUH http://t.co/XabksQx3M6

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8/28 @ 11:35 AM
TheOnion - Weekend Magazine: http://t.co/SBC0DvfZ13

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8/28 @ 11:20 AM
TheOnion - Here are some pros and cons of going to grad school: https://t.co/h6TcKPJ4sU

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8/28 @ 11:05 AM
TheOnion - Josh Duggar Enters Rehab Following Scandal http://t.co/LLdLalVbbB #WhatDoYouThink? http://t.co/B2rDNkEwG7

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