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1/26 @ 11:20 PM
TheOnion - Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm http://t.co/WOr9YAIWRs http://t.co/JcjdUWxLrT

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1/26 @ 10:20 PM
TheOnion - TIP: Steer wildly when you hit that first patch of ice http://t.co/PIiquO8Ck8 http://t.co/QTdl9ZGCuz

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1/26 @ 9:20 PM
TheOnion - Mayor @BilldeBlasio: "All within the five boroughs will perish, cowering in their brittle dwellings.” http://t.co/WGfS1EMRps

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1/26 @ 8:30 PM
TheOnion - Diphtheria Excited About Possibility Of New Outbreak http://t.co/3riff9qima http://t.co/pfVLY2BBmJ

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1/26 @ 8:20 PM
TheOnion - Fascinating Man Went To Same High School As Professional Athlete http://t.co/hlOtFcLlIu

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1/26 @ 7:20 PM
TheOnion - Area Man Totally Blows His Chance To See ‘Exodus: Gods And Kings’ In Theaters http://t.co/sNPIPAG5Da

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1/26 @ 6:20 PM
TheOnion - Mother Provides Adult Son With List Of Questions To Ask Doctor http://t.co/IBXmioJG8n http://t.co/l7JYZ4Amfj

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1/26 @ 5:55 PM
TheOnion - Nation’s Historians Warn The Past Is Expanding At Alarming Rate http://t.co/lN0jA0pPpq http://t.co/xSK8f0Cksf

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1/26 @ 5:39 PM
TheOnion - TIP: Be one of those fucking people who clears out the whole shelf of bottled water http://t.co/RSa9Oinnge http://t.co/JjMp67HFY8

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1/26 @ 5:21 PM
TheOnion - Towering above the mass unmarked grave of our editorial integrity rises this latest gaudy billboard. Enjoy! http://t.co/75mfceEQEf #SPON

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1/26 @ 4:57 PM
TheOnion - Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm http://t.co/5lAB1LHwg4 http://t.co/mX36yURyee

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1/26 @ 4:40 PM
TheOnion - [American Voices] NYC Facing ‘Potentially Historic’ Blizzard http://t.co/Y2pwNqCC8N #WhatDoYouThink? http://t.co/b5e26LliJP

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1/26 @ 4:07 PM
TheOnion - CON: Affluent community college alumni should be funding this, not taxpayers http://t.co/h1HhSh4aLA http://t.co/BbuV86LN9l

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1/26 @ 3:15 PM
TheOnion - Doctor Just Uses Same Ultrasound Picture For Every Baby http://t.co/YqsNipD36M http://t.co/riVU0NrOP9

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1/26 @ 3:01 PM
TheOnion - TIP: Criticize your mayor http://t.co/QO44NYVE0U http://t.co/hpFDqZRPOF

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1/26 @ 2:50 PM
TheOnion - TIP: Stockpile flint and colored beads. These will be important in the After Times http://t.co/pZyOTkbTqT http://t.co/yDCxIuTDHV

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1/26 @ 2:26 PM
TheOnion - Remember: If you’re in shape, it’s polite to stay as far out of sight as possible. http://t.co/VVsVgC9T5d http://t.co/FV46vF1TYz

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1/26 @ 2:21 PM
TheOnion - Mayor @BilldeBlasio: "The furious hoarfrost bearing down upon us knows neither mercy nor reason." http://t.co/eRCjJRtE7H

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1/26 @ 2:10 PM
TheOnion - In Focus: Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation's Idiots http://t.co/6G6OC2cA4I http://t.co/uyVQIvXIpD

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1/26 @ 1:53 PM
TheOnion - NYC Mayor: ‘Reconcile Yourselves With Your God, For All Will Perish In The Tempest’ http://t.co/hFkxSAhcnW http://t.co/SFScCy3eti

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1/26 @ 1:02 PM
TheOnion - 15% of respondents said, "Yes. I hate the Olympics." http://t.co/IJ8eRCbbHY http://t.co/NCYT6bxgpx

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1/26 @ 12:35 PM
TheOnion - Area Man Totally Blows His Chance To See ‘Exodus: Gods And Kings’ In Theaters http://t.co/G6NVrTRYTF http://t.co/M7X0ctDJH4

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1/26 @ 12:22 PM
TheOnion - In Focus: Chicken-Shit Asteroid Veers Away At Last Minute http://t.co/giMFNWP7V5 http://t.co/qPScMBJu83

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1/26 @ 12:05 PM
TheOnion - Mother Provides Adult Son With List Of Questions To Ask Doctor http://t.co/9HGv4FGce5 http://t.co/ZTGpdfglZQ

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1/26 @ 11:35 AM
TheOnion - Editorial Cartoon: 'Auld Lang Whine' http://t.co/gpsaU0IjNT http://t.co/NytDKCwyRF

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1/26 @ 11:15 AM
TheOnion - The Week In Pictures – Week Of January 26, 2015 http://t.co/QtChGCHO8j http://t.co/PeyPBda9FO

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1/26 @ 10:53 AM
TheOnion - [American Voices] Study: 1 In 5 Spouses Commits ‘Financial Infidelity’ http://t.co/luZ0z7UqEW #WhatDoYouThink? http://t.co/rbyFj0Iyf8

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1/26 @ 10:30 AM
TheOnion - Top Story: “This is my favorite category every year—it always gets me hard as a rock.” http://t.co/ACI4nm9Q81 http://t.co/zQA3WApYYB

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1/26 @ 9:30 AM
TheOnion - In Focus: Internet Rocked By Blogger With Sarcastic Sensibility http://t.co/dTPeuRFUGw http://t.co/SYmnMVTnYg

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1/25 @ 6:45 PM
TheOnion - In Politics This Week: State Of The Union Guests Sort Of Assumed White House Would Pay For Them To Get Home http://t.co/Ybjl2gFaff

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1/25 @ 4:30 PM
TheOnion - Top Story: Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus http://t.co/oNa0M0kExb http://t.co/zU3WS9CBlQ

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1/25 @ 3:00 PM
TheOnion - In Politics: Republicans Address Income Inequality By Offering Middle Class Hot Stock Tip http://t.co/HPB8tFR0WU http://t.co/p5GaCyfsM6

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1/25 @ 1:45 PM
TheOnion - Top Story: Nation Can’t Wait To Hear Patriots Fans’ Excuses This Time http://t.co/02mTOwHf7C http://t.co/jNKbDkhfxM

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1/25 @ 12:30 PM
TheOnion - In Focus | Report: Imagine How Good It Would Feel To Just Crawl Back Into Bed Right Now http://t.co/glo67cqcaA http://t.co/aoAuYjxmhH

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1/25 @ 12:00 PM
TheOnion - Biden Co-Presents Best New Starlet Award With Shyla Stylez At 2015 AVN Adult Movie Awards Show http://t.co/ljWccFVkjD http://t.co/TPCc5ewkWk

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1/25 @ 11:15 AM
TheOnion - STATSHOT: Least Inspiring Biographical Movies http://t.co/aXGND7nRl8 http://t.co/xMMRKw2ebX

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1/25 @ 10:00 AM
TheOnion - Editorial Cartoon: 'Broken Homer' http://t.co/EKrElAYKw6 http://t.co/3QDfyj5sjX

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1/24 @ 6:45 PM
TheOnion - In Local News: Man Too Deep Into Sentence To Avoid Saying Word He Can’t Pronounce http://t.co/bKYcW6OgB4 http://t.co/eipuedaXYm

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1/24 @ 5:30 PM
TheOnion - Top Story: Postal Service Unveils New Line Of Stamps Honoring Americans Who Still Use Postal Service http://t.co/Oz6SzHHtjf

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1/24 @ 4:15 PM
TheOnion - In Business News: Burger King Franchise Owner Adds Sad Little Personal Touches To Restaurant http://t.co/ryhj7CKzuc http://t.co/uMazUO0eP8

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