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2/20 @ 7:48 PM
TheOnion - Overweight 6-Year-Old Vows To Change Lifestyle After Second Heart Attack https://t.co/gieSPfQaU9 https://t.co/p5yb4flbPk

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2/20 @ 6:43 PM
TheOnion - To see more unmatched reporting, visit https://t.co/csf5QUbhed. https://t.co/S6exZSPAV4

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2/20 @ 6:22 PM
TheOnion - 4 Senators Mauled During Congressional Tiger Show https://t.co/oewDCoiMGn https://t.co/IZ3LrMpIGf

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2/20 @ 5:39 PM
TheOnion - "If the leader of the most powerful nation cannot be trusted to tell the truth, then who, in the name of God, can?"… https://t.co/iEBrQnesrR

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2/20 @ 4:56 PM
TheOnion - A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life https://t.co/cmoGQrqfCu https://t.co/8RpXq2jf26

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2/20 @ 4:13 PM
TheOnion - Did You Know? https://t.co/4D1NrS20OU

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2/20 @ 3:30 PM
TheOnion - Jefferson wouldn’t have worked on the Declaration of Independence had he known how terrible America would turn out.… https://t.co/045GGGOjaY

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2/20 @ 2:51 PM
TheOnion - Expiration Labels Get An Update https://t.co/kfAW70ANQV #WhatDoYouThink? https://t.co/zkoFwd1HjY

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2/20 @ 2:12 PM
TheOnion - Warm, Syrupy Pleasure Coursing Through Man’s Veins After Big Hit Of Mattress https://t.co/BvPHV4cIgO https://t.co/b0ROWogy7k

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2/20 @ 1:33 PM
TheOnion - A total disgrace to Reagan’s legacy, Ronald Reagan was the least Reaganesque president in history.… https://t.co/dPAyerflpC

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2/20 @ 12:15 PM
TheOnion - Last Remaining Ivory-Billed Woodpecker Really Squandering Species’ Final Weeks https://t.co/segBAT6OnK https://t.co/DQK4s0XeZj

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2/20 @ 11:36 AM
TheOnion - The Onion takes a closer look at 45 of the worst decisions this nation has ever made. https://t.co/Q1XZi675lF https://t.co/BXH90ndmPv

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2/20 @ 11:09 AM
TheOnion - The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 20, 2017 https://t.co/GabzuK8sDe

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2/20 @ 10:42 AM
TheOnion - God Scores Another Free Balloon Some Dumb Kid Let Go Of https://t.co/UKxPILPSRh https://t.co/rlTEMR6OcQ

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2/20 @ 9:55 AM
TheOnion - China Unable To Recruit Hackers Fast Enough To Keep Up With Vulnerabilities In U.S. Security Systems… https://t.co/2qU8IoZF3b

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2/20 @ 9:08 AM
TheOnion - Man Thinking About Just Packing Up And Making Exact Same Mistakes Someplace Far Away https://t.co/UAp64Dtqn3 https://t.co/iJ0BQC7QPw

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2/20 @ 8:21 AM
TheOnion - Divorced Father Buys String Cheese To Make Coming To His Place Fun https://t.co/aIEL8pZeqE https://t.co/eQ6GTTIGgt

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2/19 @ 11:53 PM
TheOnion - Color Drains From Michael Flynn’s Face After Single Red Dahlia Drops Out Of Envelope From Russian Intelligence… https://t.co/TLNdT3dZFL

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2/19 @ 10:42 PM
TheOnion - Jim Beam Releases New Whiskey Specially Made For Knife, Gun Wounds https://t.co/tv7IFSiDV7

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2/19 @ 9:31 PM
TheOnion - Steve Bannon’s Inflamed Liver Pulsing Visibly Through Shirt During Strategy Meeting https://t.co/tnI9Uc3p4O https://t.co/NwRcW1aNzW

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2/19 @ 8:20 PM
TheOnion - Nation Longs For One More Day With Dying Manufacturing Sector https://t.co/o1uPbb3Dbo https://t.co/1eGEbWEcmW

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2/19 @ 7:09 PM
TheOnion - Mar-A-Lago Member Complains About Loud, Obnoxious Cabinet Meeting At Next Table https://t.co/nJTA9wuR69 https://t.co/liwsKXRuIr

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2/19 @ 5:58 PM
TheOnion - Area Man, Woman Each Have Thorough List Of Why They Should Break Up On Standby https://t.co/WZ4qHqVNvz https://t.co/ov8eIwrrq7

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2/19 @ 4:47 PM
TheOnion - 26-Year-Old Feeling Self-Conscious After Seeing All His Friends Fail Slightly Less Than Him https://t.co/RyrRNjO08z https://t.co/eosRDci7VG

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2/19 @ 3:36 PM
TheOnion - 5 Things To Know About Stephen Miller https://t.co/lXYhbGGyzM

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2/19 @ 2:25 PM
TheOnion - Surgeon General Recommends Twisting Head Far Enough Until You Hear Little Pop https://t.co/34FeNigKqe https://t.co/O1SJbAIaJF

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2/19 @ 1:14 PM
TheOnion - Pathetic Hands Subject To Man’s Every Whim https://t.co/u45WL65Ffq https://t.co/vgutB5hkO3

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2/19 @ 12:03 PM
TheOnion - Surgically Altered Obama Doubles Struggling To Find Work After Presidency https://t.co/tG7QJAnMno https://t.co/Hzapay0TX5

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2/19 @ 10:52 AM
TheOnion - Family’s Euphemism For Genitals Really Weird https://t.co/taEFc8ODE9 https://t.co/70tiupQugt

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2/19 @ 9:41 AM
TheOnion - Report: Majority Of Diner’s Salt And Pepper Shakers Currently Being Used To Diagram Elaborately Planned Bank Heists… https://t.co/VAZ3qBk7V4

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2/18 @ 11:47 PM
TheOnion - Paul Ryan Grudgingly Impressed By Angry Protester Who’s Matched His Running Pace For 9 Miles https://t.co/UVV7jg3aSh https://t.co/NUN473WKSy

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2/18 @ 10:35 PM
TheOnion - Wedding DJ Assures Anxious Man He Hasn’t Forgotten ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ Request https://t.co/8eU45VRa6N https://t.co/ZIY9v3qmCq

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2/18 @ 9:23 PM
TheOnion - Spider Allowed To Stay https://t.co/dFqpHqEA0C

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2/18 @ 8:11 PM
TheOnion - Tupperware Will Never Truly Recover From Red Curry Leftovers https://t.co/y7khcXvxQV https://t.co/23fTvgDLFS

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2/18 @ 6:59 PM
TheOnion - D.C. Authorities Struggling To Keep Squatters Out Of Empty State Department https://t.co/y8mof9tBgL https://t.co/u1epEafp1A

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2/18 @ 5:47 PM
TheOnion - Mental Illness Determined Not To Let Stigma Of Area Man Define It https://t.co/f4o3xkS7Bp https://t.co/dw8SQErPJa

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2/18 @ 4:35 PM
TheOnion - Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away https://t.co/d25kP6rm6B https://t.co/ORo3APBvzR

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2/18 @ 3:23 PM
TheOnion - Neil Gorsuch Vows To Interpret Constitution Using Scalia’s Original Intent https://t.co/VhMQyjbsph https://t.co/0VlfRB57h7

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2/18 @ 2:11 PM
TheOnion - 5 Things To Know About Planned Parenthood https://t.co/b7BK0mKSHY

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