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5/27 @ 3:31 PM
TheOnion - Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair http://t.co/gWdoc0KTc4 http://t.co/ylqWmv2vih

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5/27 @ 2:56 PM
TheOnion - Alarming Report Finds Hundreds Of Items Still Not Available In S’Mores Flavor http://t.co/ipQvqPPJBW http://t.co/Q0TWGhjYaI

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5/27 @ 2:25 PM
TheOnion - Here are some ways to prevent childhood obesity: http://t.co/RM3ITJjDmF http://t.co/o0xlM7S6Mu

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5/27 @ 1:50 PM
TheOnion - Roommates Assured Girlfriend Only Staying Over For Entire Duration Of Relationship http://t.co/O9rmUzfQ0c http://t.co/nhRJLqV0Lj

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5/27 @ 1:20 PM
TheOnion - Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza http://t.co/4fQXrWv6R0 http://t.co/9vUyGICT20

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5/27 @ 12:39 PM
TheOnion - In Focus: Tony Blair Apparently Not British Prime Minister Anymore http://t.co/axiEfYpqyD http://t.co/vw4d9ZaH6Y

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5/27 @ 11:22 AM
TheOnion - Report: George W. Bush Offered To Officiate Gay Wedding In 2013 http://t.co/unxjSTvLdi #WhatDoYouThink? http://t.co/GyiNuHhk3B

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5/27 @ 10:44 AM
TheOnion - In Focus: Antique Dealer Sick Of Appraising Smurf Collections http://t.co/AEqBlZKNhc http://t.co/DtqhiGCZF5

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5/27 @ 10:02 AM
TheOnion - From The Archives: Bribery Suspected After 2022 World Cup Moved To Richard Branson’s Backyard http://t.co/q6oezPRMlr http://t.co/7FdaNNtsMf

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5/27 @ 9:30 AM
TheOnion - "Gay Keith would have a brassy but likable personality.” http://t.co/Z3g1t9nLDu http://t.co/z8qePzTG5s

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5/26 @ 11:00 PM
TheOnion - Six Flags Adds Sleeper Cars To Its Roller Coasters For Passengers Who Prefer More Restful Ride http://t.co/yiwD8vI0rM

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5/26 @ 9:45 PM
TheOnion - James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard http://t.co/uoIe2lXKoy http://t.co/abBg8BPx2H

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5/26 @ 8:30 PM
TheOnion - Matt Lauer Waits In Parking Garage For Anonymous Source On Parenting Trends http://t.co/5FQtuBDfzU http://t.co/K9CX6iOghJ

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5/26 @ 7:15 PM
TheOnion - College Allowing Students Individual Commencement Speakers To Make Ceremony Acceptable For All http://t.co/1gWQCBV38O

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5/26 @ 6:00 PM
TheOnion - In Focus: Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be A Bestseller Someday http://t.co/WhaPRMXVsx http://t.co/XAijSzXJ74

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5/26 @ 5:45 PM
TheOnion - If the car’s stereo has one of those auxiliary plugs, stop looking. You’ve found your car http://t.co/6VnLKrYaf2 http://t.co/3mMUTkvC5f

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5/26 @ 5:02 PM
TheOnion - PacSun Receives Backlash For Selling Inverted American Flag T-Shirt On Memorial Day http://t.co/HRPxX2Bia9 http://t.co/F9C0gYhsrj

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5/26 @ 3:30 PM
TheOnion - Parents Clinging To Lone Religious Element Of Daughter’s Wedding Ceremony http://t.co/9W7ZU2mz1f http://t.co/UiSDf0rULc

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5/26 @ 3:02 PM
TheOnion - 2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground http://t.co/YL5poPhUUT http://t.co/k0iYZYMenP

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5/26 @ 2:29 PM
TheOnion - "This is an aspect of the human condition everyone except me must grapple with." – Bill Paxton http://t.co/Q8Np64VKgL http://t.co/GDFl2CHYTh

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5/26 @ 1:58 PM
TheOnion - Man Confident Perfect Dating App Waiting For Him Out There Somewhere http://t.co/KSO9e4B5Kb http://t.co/VryxVEeJHL

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5/26 @ 1:44 PM
TheOnion - TIP: To ensure the safety of your vehicle, always take it on a test crash http://t.co/6VnLKrYaf2 http://t.co/rMbOi1IVgt

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5/26 @ 1:20 PM
TheOnion - Study: Skipping Meals May Lead To Belly Fat http://t.co/Eeu4ePnOG8 #WhatDoYouThink? http://t.co/rKPSFufmda

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5/26 @ 12:50 PM
TheOnion - Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car: http://t.co/6VnLKrYaf2 http://t.co/rWng7PTa2O

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5/26 @ 12:10 PM
TheOnion - Police Assure Residents Kidnapping Was Only One Of Those Custody-Related Ones http://t.co/P9JBE4DMuW http://t.co/3or3by8J0c

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5/26 @ 11:26 AM
TheOnion - Editorial Cartoon: 'Chain Reactions' http://t.co/jBjWnECukq http://t.co/VQXwASwd5d

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5/26 @ 10:49 AM
TheOnion - Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015 http://t.co/9OfndDyZNt http://t.co/j5MaNSaRyc

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5/26 @ 9:44 AM
TheOnion - In Focus: Reading-Is-Fundamentalists Slaughter 52 Illiterates http://t.co/yT72W8Rgrb http://t.co/93I0L8uF7I

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5/25 @ 5:00 PM
TheOnion - Pipeline Company Rushes To Contain Oil Spill To Small Section Of Media http://t.co/nFlqBsusWV http://t.co/TSqNEcSdFt

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5/25 @ 4:15 PM
TheOnion - In Focus: 87% Of Man’s Memories Shame-Based http://t.co/ost9EiWylm http://t.co/r0wQNwKPQ6

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5/25 @ 3:30 PM
TheOnion - Bigoted Asshole Makes The Best Barbecue http://t.co/bl1rwf3J9i http://t.co/VnypKAjK81

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5/25 @ 2:30 PM
TheOnion - In Focus: High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job http://t.co/FwqmebGUwf http://t.co/oFr2RYouFE

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5/25 @ 1:30 PM
TheOnion - Grapes 'Big Hit' At Area Picnic http://t.co/cy6hZGRKvp http://t.co/eo0Wrd5nmY

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5/25 @ 12:30 PM
TheOnion - The newly declassified items included a framed picture of bin Laden's Pomeranian, Mitzi http://t.co/Q1OFpzvOfV http://t.co/4CoRak6ZnS

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5/25 @ 11:30 AM
TheOnion - Area Man Beginning To Think He Has Memorial Day Off http://t.co/ceKubo9fR8 http://t.co/cRDHTjwiz8

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5/25 @ 10:15 AM
TheOnion - Study: Average Father Thinks About Sealing In Meat’s Juices 4 To 5 Hours A Day http://t.co/fVrfomnuKx http://t.co/Buf9rlMgNw

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5/24 @ 5:00 PM
TheOnion - Man Celebrates Raise Company Will Eventually Use To Justify Firing Him http://t.co/rP92tIlccL http://t.co/fJUANKp4SR

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5/24 @ 4:00 PM
TheOnion - “They’re real politicians whose agendas are being destroyed.” http://t.co/POaKdEUX0v http://t.co/9msrXFrA7J

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5/24 @ 3:00 PM
TheOnion - Hillary Clinton Campaign Shuts Down After Blowing Through $2 Billion In First Month http://t.co/Vc4uAoFUeW http://t.co/3InrnX7HId

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5/24 @ 2:00 PM
TheOnion - Researchers say we'll transition to a “roaming clan system” by 2025 http://t.co/bPI4FJQSJ6 http://t.co/GVuMXxk7ra

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