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Student Blog: Top 10 Broadway Characters That Would Bully Me in High School


I was NOT cool. Here's my professional opinion on the mean girls and guys of the Big White Way.

Student Blog: Top 10 Broadway Characters That Would Bully Me in High School

I just graduated college in May, where I was generally well-liked among the student body of my small campus! At least as far as I know. However, high school was a VERY different story, and I was wildly, ridiculously uncool. I was in all of the choirs, sang bass for the female barbershop quartet, was a major teacher's pet and the occasional snitch, co-captained the district-wide speech and debate team, was an orchestra nerd, and was extremely quiet and uptight. In the spirit of school beginning at the end of the month, here's a comprehensive list of ten Broadway characters who I think would ruthlessly bully me if I attended the stinky, pubescent halls of academia with them.

  1. The Entire Cast of Heathers (minus Martha): Let's be honest, Martha undoubtedly has the best personality in this story. We see how awful the rest of the student body at Westerburg high is from the opening number, during which all of the teens are brutally roasting each with zero prompting to do so. Even the nerds seem awful and rude. Meanwhile, Martha just wants to chill and watch The Princess Bride on repeat. She would be my only friend in that abusive sea of posers and backstabbing brats, especially including all of the Heathers and Veronica. Anyone who leaves their best friend for the mere chance of popularity is definitely a bad apple. I'd be getting swirlies in the bathroom toilets left and right.
  2. Prince Eric's Maids in The Little Mermaid: I get it that these working queens are maybe a bit upset that the prince hasn't fallen head over heels for any of them after a stolen glance in the hallways or while clearing away his dishes. HOWEVER, that gives these girlbosses ZERO reason to put down Ariel just because she hasn't spoken since arriving at the palace. It's not even just one or two alpha maids leading the hate for everyone's favorite mermaid, it's every single one of them. Since Ariel has done absolutely nothing wrong and they feel the need to ruthlessly gossip behind her back, I have zero doubt that the baggy bootcut jeans and musical theatre t-shirts I wore in high school (accompanied by a stunning colonial-style ponytail), would spark all kinds of mockery from these girls.
  3. Galinda from Wicked: Galinda was the Regina George of Shiz. Let's not mince words here. That girl was blonde, bubbly, beautiful, and the biggest bully at that school. She got the rest of the student body to do her bidding and follow her opinions, setting them all against Elphaba from the start of college, just because she was green. Galinda would threaten to have her boyfriends (yes that's boyfriends PLURAL) beat me up in exchange for homework, make up lies about me to the teachers, force me to do her chores, and find a way to kick me out the school and ruin my life.
  4. George from Sunday in the Park with George: George has absolutely zero patience for anyone who distracts him from his art. If this brilliant painter can't even be swayed to pay attention to his girlfriend when she CHEATS on him, only meeting her with apathy and coldness, he most certainly would be extremely irritated by my desperate need to fill awkward silence with anxious chatter. I would be kicked out of his posing squad within minutes for fidgeting too much, and he would find a way to blacklist me from all art communities in the area. He's cutthroat, and I would not be able to avoid accidentally letting my goofiness ruin our potential friendship or working relationship.
  5. Anatole from The Great Comet: Anatole is the old-timey Russian equivalent of a frat boy. And seeing as how the frat boys in college would snicker at me when I passed their tables in the college dining hall, I doubt that I would make Anatole's list of appropriate people to associate with. This is a man whose whole descriptor is "HOT" throughout the show. And seeing how I am very much "NOT", I would fall into his fire of degrading insults and cruel laughter. Perhaps he'd even entertain himself by pretending to like me, then embarrassing me in public upon breaking his act.
  6. Wednesday Addams from The Addams Family: Wednesday has no patience for anything bright and sunny, let alone people who have that disposition. I wear crocs, almost exclusively bright colors, love stuffed animals, and try to bring positivity to everything I do. Wednesday would absolutely eat me alive with her heart of steel. Wednesday most certainly wouldn't be cool at school, but she would find a way to make me the lowest in the social hierarchy. I wouldn't put it past her to "prank" me by spray-painting everything I own black, then slipping ink into my shampoo bottle somehow.
  7. Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady: Alright, so Julie Andrews/Audrey Hepburn weren't good enough for this pinnacle of stoicism and properness. There's no chance on Earth he'd consider me worthy enough to use the same bathroom as him. I have a Philadelphia accent, and considering how American accents are already so much less refined than the tradition British way of speaking, I would be verbally slaughtered by Higgins, or, Piggins, if you'll indulge my stupid pun. He would pull up the tips of his gloves and smack me across the face with the empty piece of cloth. If I was walking into the high school building, he'd find a way to run me over with his brand new Mercedes-Benz.
  8. The Von Trapp Children from The Sound of Music: These kids were absolute devils for treating all of their nannies so horrifically. I'm far too much of a soft-spoken patsy to last even one day in the house with these beasts. They would manage to convince me they were sweet so I would let my guard down, and they would cut all my hair off, burn all of my belongings, and wrongfully report me to the government as a war criminal before I could even blink. These kids would fully break my spirit, I am 1000% convinced. If we attended high school together, I would transfer ASAP.
  9. Danny Zuko from Grease: Let's be real, high school boys like Danny still make me shake with fear and want to run from the room. These types of guys absolutely destroyed my already low self-esteem in high school, and Danny would be the king of all my former bullies by far. If pre-transformation Sandy was too much of an embarrassment to his image for him to date, there's no chance on this green Earth that I would've managed to escape the brutal, sexist gaze of that little creep. I can't even begin to imagine how awful the things he would say about me would be. They would probably include being compared to a pig, likened to a boy, and annihilated for my nerdiness. Thank goodness this man is fictional.
  10. Alana Beck from Dear Evan Hansen: Alana would be my high school nemesis. I was a straight-As overachiever, and we would end up coming toe to toe with each other for the title of valedictorian during senior year. She's the type to stop at NOTHING to achieve academic success, and she would hack into my phone and leak something about me on Facebook, distracting me from the last few weeks of school and causing my grades to drop, successfully boosting herself to the top of the academic pyramid. Would she have any sort of guilt about unfairly destroying me? Absolutely not, she'd be laughing at me all the way to Harvard.

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From This Author Student Blogger: Marissa Tomeo