Student Blog: B.F.A Blues- The Second Semester Slump

When I stepped back on campus this semester, I felt so much more relaxed than the first. I felt like I didn’t know anything last semester. Every question I answered, I questioned my own artistic thoughts. Every choice I made, I second guessed. I caught myself looking at everyone else’s work comparing myself, wondering if I was secretly behind them on my theater knowledge and nobody decided to tell me.

Some people went to performing arts high schools. Some worked at multiple theaters. And then there was me: a kid from a heavily defunded arts program at a public school, a lighting designer who had never made a light plot. I felt like I’d snuck into theater school by accident and was waiting to be escorted out.

But then I survived. I passed my first semester. I had knowledge aggressively thrown at me, and suddenly I felt like a brand-new person. Looking back at my old work felt painfully surface-level — like baby’s first theater project. I thought, Wow. Growth. I figured I was smooth sailing this semester.

…Or at least I thought.

This is what I call,”B.F.A. Blues”. The dread I feel creeping up on me as I face the self-doubt in my head, asking myself if I even belong at a theater school. Since I’ve felt this slump before, I had to fall back onto what helped me get out of it last semester. If there’s anything I learned last semester, nervousness means you care, and nerves are no reason to give up. So, I found some other ways to distract myself from my February burnout I face. 

Find theater in non-theater

If I’m being real, I am the last person to feel excited about reading a play sometimes. Sure, Shakespeare is a legend I guess, but I don’t really care. There’s no stage directions in sight, the words make no sense to me half the time, and it takes me a million light years to read it. 

When I have fixed attention on something, I know it’s only for one purpose. I find myself reading Shakespeare because I have to, not because I’m thrilled to do it. Naturally, this means the script sits on my shelf collecting dust until the night before it’s due, when I panic-read and retain absolutely nothing.

I get stuck in this loop of,”I am consuming theater because I have to,”, which leads me to producing sub-par work that isn’t a reflection of me. I have to come up with exciting ways for me to be excited about design without torturing myself.

One thing I’ve found useful is looking at theatrical design in a non-theater perspective. Recently, the Grammys were my go-to for this. One thing that’s special to me about the Grammys is the difference between audience visuals and camera visuals. Because everybody has their phones, I found so many different perspectives of each Grammy performance. This was especially interesting during Tyler the Creator’s performance when the camera turned black and white to mimic his album cover, or when his stunt double was run over by the car to create the illusion of killing his old persona. Viewing the lighting from multiple angles was fascinating. It allowed me to break down and analyze the production multiple times without getting bored or overwhelmed with information, finding something new every time, and suddenly I was analyzing design without realizing I was “doing homework.”

I try not to box myself into defining what theater is. Of course the Grammy performances aren’t theater in a traditional sense, but the design and production are still fascinating to break down. There’s a lot of value in consuming non-theater media as theater to expand my creative thinking in ways I didn’t expect. 

Routine! But other than theater

As much as I love theater, it can be… a lot. My classes are theater. My homework is theater. My evenings are tech rehearsals. At some point, it starts to feel like I can’t escape it. 

Finding something other than theater has been sort of a saving grace.

I find going to the gym in the morning before class is most helpful. It forces me to not slump around before class, worrying about what’s to come later in the day. It helps me stay present and focused, versus anxious and negative. Sometimes I’ll go with my friends Maggie, Sophia, Alicia, and George.We’re all theater majors — just not the same concentration — which means we get to talk about something other than theater for once. Revolutionary.

I think of routine outside of theater as self-care. If the only thing I think about is theater, I find myself uninspired, bored, and walking in circles. It feels like passing yourself on the highway after you’ve left your keys at home. Finding something to do that’s not boring helps keep me accountable and prevents me from burnout. 

Ask for Help!

If I’m being honest, I HATE asking for help!! It hurts my pride, makes me feel weak, and honestly, I worry it’s a dumb question. But why fight something alone when you’re not expected to?

I’ve learned to lean into asking questions, not as a sign of weakness, but as a sign of strength. It takes courage and honesty to admit,”I don’t understand what’s going on, can you help me?” And who even are we without honesty? Burnout stems from uncertainty, and by asking for help I found myself more confident in my work and my choices. 

Someone I’ve leaned into a lot lately is Grace. Grace is a dramaturgy major, but we often have a lot of the same classes. Even if we’re not in the same class, she’s a great resource for me to bounce ideas off. 

I think it’s really important to make friends outside of your concentration. Sure, if I’m in my Vectorworks class, I’ll reach out to one of my classmates, but even people who are in the realm of theater but not my specific major are a really good resource. Scenic designers, costume designers, even actors — they all see things differently, and that perspective is invaluable.

I think our greatest enemy, especially in theater, is ourselves. You should never have to fight that battle alone. 

Gratitude

Above all, I remind myself why I’m here. I’m here because people believed in me. I’m here because my family believed I could succeed, the faculty believed I belonged, and my friends supported me. Remembering and reminding myself of my why encourages me to move forward. 

At the end of the day, I’m still learning. If everything was easy, we would all be robots. I just try to be kind to myself, and remember that everyone is human, including myself. Humanity makes progress, progress makes better people.