danecook on Twitter

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http://www.twitter.com/danecook
4/22 @ 4:11 PM
DaneCook - When you're at the gym the next song on your shuffle better start in .01 sec or it's getting skipped.

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4/22 @ 2:18 PM
DaneCook - Blemish Spotlight, Drunk 'N High, STD Host, Slutty Sluthole & I Shit Me Pants. #RejectedInstagramFilters

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4/21 @ 4:12 PM
DaneCook - .@FunnyJS said "@DaneCook 1 left. Pick a follower - I'll send to them. http://t.co/1PGOUwrCQG” - Who wants the last 1 of only 1000?

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4/19 @ 9:33 PM
DaneCook - Life is a journey of a thousand assholes.

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4/19 @ 3:54 PM
DaneCook - If a girl has long hair that goes past her waist you have I treat her right or eventually she will kill you.

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4/19 @ 2:28 AM
DaneCook - Every time this commercial comes on all I think is Captain Big Win here's gonna get rolled in the… http://t.co/TjGvFfAhNB

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4/19 @ 2:26 AM
DaneCook - Every time this commercial comes in all I think is Captain Big Win here's gonna get rolled in the… http://t.co/KZ4kcC3IDQ

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4/18 @ 11:48 PM
DaneCook - I don't have a spirit animal but I do have a shitty neighbor.

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4/18 @ 11:11 PM
DaneCook - If a girl has a little freckle on her nose she is basically down for whatever.

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4/18 @ 9:58 PM
DaneCook - #TheBestPartAbout being a comedian is the support you get from your family.

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4/18 @ 9:48 PM
DaneCook - #TheBestPartAbout being a comedian is all the free buffalo wings.

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4/18 @ 9:45 PM
DaneCook - I just relaxed my potential. What a let down.

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4/18 @ 7:38 PM
DaneCook - Hey .@Abercrombie can you maybe pump some more of that cologne into the air? I reek so bad my girl think I'm sleeping with you.

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4/18 @ 7:34 PM
DaneCook - Why the disabled person gotta have a smaller head? http://t.co/njuVKLdMM7

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4/18 @ 5:49 PM
DaneCook - I don't win because I'm better. I succeed because you're worse than you give yourself credit for. And I know how to adapt.

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4/18 @ 3:20 PM
DaneCook - I would love to see DeNiro lying to get out of a ticket.

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4/18 @ 1:24 PM
DaneCook - I'm headlining the Laugh Factory Hollywood at 10 tonight and tomorrow. Get down there.

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4/18 @ 12:48 AM
DaneCook - "Who the fahk give care buddy. Be like a ball. You go higher des people essplode demselves." - Masada I just literally laughed my face off.

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4/17 @ 9:38 PM
DaneCook - Whenever you spot a moving van in your neighborhood there's always a wooden chair in the back that you never see when you visit the house.

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4/16 @ 11:24 PM
DaneCook - I wish there was a stay lost and not found.

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4/16 @ 8:01 PM
DaneCook - I was never a cutter but I was a stirrer.

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4/16 @ 5:33 PM
DaneCook - If all of your dreams came true? ALL OF THEM? That'd be a fuckin' hassle. Managing one dream is hard enough. But ALL of them?

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