Student Blog: Missing the Theatre Kid in Me

Moving to New York, I knew that I was going to see Broadway shows all the time. Whether I had the funds to get there myself, or had to save money from my minimum wage job, I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. I decided this for my current self, but also for my inner child who has loved music and musicals her whole life.

My first role in a musical was in third grade, when we did ‘Peter Pan’ at my elementary school. They were always sure to include everyone who auditioned in every show, so I was a ‘star’. Literally. Myself and some others were “stars”, and we narrated the show for the audience. We wore sparkly silver shirts and never missed a beat in our storytelling. I did a few more shows at my elementary school before I graduated. ‘Aladdin’ and ‘The Wizard of Oz’ were the main ones. I was always cast as a narrator. I didn’t mind though! I was just happy to be included.

When I got to middle school, I was heavy into my ‘High School Musical’ phase. I’d discovered it over the summer and adopted it as one of my favorite musicals. This was also around the time that ‘Hamilton’ came out, and I now regard that as what started it all for me. So, imagine my excitement when our spring musical was announced and it was ‘High School Musical Jr.’ I don’t think I’d ever been more thrilled in my life. 

Unfortunately, this was also the time in my life when my separation anxiety had started to worsen, and my emetophobia was at its peak. For those who don’t know, emetophobia is the phobia of vomit, whether that’s me getting sick, or others getting sick around me. It was difficult for me to go to school a lot of the time, and I was constantly worrying about what I was missing at home, or if my family was sick when I wasn’t there. This anxiety stopped me from going to the initial auditions for the musical that year. Auditions=stage fright=nausea=vomit. You can see how I made that conclusion.

I was so disappointed in myself, but I wanted to be included so badly. So, my little 11-year-old self worked up the courage to email the director and ask for a second chance. Luckily for me, someone had just dropped out of the show, and I was cast in the ensemble! I had a few lines, but I would’ve been completely fine with none. That show was one of the best experiences of my life, and it’s one of the reasons I fell in love with performing. 

For the next two years of middle school, I got really involved in the drama program. I did the main-stage musicals in 7th and 8th grade, which were ‘The Music Man’ (I was in the ensemble again), and ‘Once on this Island’, which was when I had my first solo performance as Andrea! I also did some smaller plays at school, such as ‘Hamlet’ (I played Laertes), ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ (I played Puck), and ‘Alice in Wonderland’ (I played Alice!). In high school, I got involved in my school's Creative Writing program, and basically dropped performing for good. I watched my best friends perform in our school musicals, and secretly wished I was up there with them.

Now we come to today, where I’ve still abandoned performing, at least, performing theatre. I write music for myself now, and am slowly learning to be more comfortable performing my original songs for people. I still love theatre more than most things. I consume some form of it every day. While I have yet to heal that part of my inner child who still longs to see ‘Hamilton’ on the stage, I’m working toward that goal every day, and praying that I never lose the part of me that loves musicals.