Centaur Theatre to Stage URBAN TAILS: AN EROTIC CHRISTMAS, Dec 10-19

Centaur Theatre meets the urgent need for an effective antidote to the holiday frenzy of plush toys and department store Santas with URBAN TAILS: AN EROTIC CHRISTMAS from December 10 to 19, 2015.

Enjoy six new sassy stories of the yuletide season gone sideways, with live music by Urban Tails director, Harry Standjofski. Centaur's Artistic and Executive Director Roy Surette explains the cheeky pun: "We promised a season of 'luminous' theatre, and what better way to brighten the spirit as we settle in for the winter than with a little Christmas 'tail' ! This is triple 'X' rated holiday fun for the randy at heart so you may want to leave the kids AND the parents at home."

Marianne Ackerman, author of last year's hit season finale, Triplex Nervosa, pays homage to the famous fat man and his fetish for full-figured women in Mankind. The mastermind behind the first Urban Tales, Yvan Bienvenue, renowned for his walks on the wildest side of the season, explores the practical uses of vibrators for an aging mother's aches and pains in Madame Butterfly. Everyone has that one Christmas office party they'd rather forget, and Centaur shines a glaring last-call light on two accounts of revelry gone awry. Luciana Burcheri's, Feliz Navidad, dabbles in anonymous sex while Dayna McLeod's Christmas Hands questions the wisdom of bedding the boss's wife. No Christmas caricature would be complete without tales of teen angst, provided by Stefanie Buxton, pining for her latest crush on none other than Jesus in Do We Have a Mary?, and an awkward high-school boy who gets to first base under the mistletoe in Quimby, by Harry Standjofski.

To get you really excited, here is the full list of sexy seasonal stories, playwrights and actors.

Mankind written by Marianne Ackerman, performed by Leni Parker
He reaches out and takes my hand and we both roll back on the bed like two empty barrels. And I'm thinking, whoa, he's fatter than me! And he's a breast man. For men like that, well ... there's no such thing as too much breast. Fat does not exist in that area of the female body. It's all just more of what they like. I mean, he really seemed to get worked up over my ... which is ... you know ... a very big turn on, to see a man get worked up over.... Not that he was pushy, or anything. Not one bit. He treated my breasts like they were a treat.

Madame Butterfly written by Yvan Bienvenue, performed by Bill Rowat
The uh... the Butter - the Butterfly? It's a... uh... well, it's a clitoral stimulator... that's what's written on the... so while I can't personally vouch for its efficiency? It laid my old mother out on her back... seriously...

Feliz Navidad written by Luciana Burcheri, performed by Nadia Verrucci
Tonight. Christmas Office Party. A chichi club in Brossard. A Christmas show called Santa Baby with a duo of plastic generic performers in short tight dresses, revealing more cleavage and cellulite than was meant for the human eye. We - me, him and a few other people from my department, standing at the back of the hall, up against the bar; the place packed. I was standing right in front of him and I could feel him. His body vibrating behind me. He didn't move; he just stood there playing it casual. I couldn't even see his face. All I could feel was his breath on the back of my neck and I could smell him. And he smelled like yearning. I was on fire. My belly, my red lace panties ... everything inside me ached.

Do We Have a Mary? written & performed by Stefanie Buxton
I was fourteen years old, almost fifteen, when I fell in love with Jesus. I was also panicked, wondering when the hell my period would ever come. Sure, I was a late bloomer, but understand when I say "fell in love with Jesus", I don't mean in the "church way". I wanted him to be my boyfriend. My lover. Seriously!

Santa's Wife and The Baby Dyke written & performed by Dayna McLeod
I met her at an office Christmas party. I knew she was married but didn't know who her husband was until he was banging on the other side of a squeaky styrofoam snowman hanging on the bathroom door. I was face deep into his wife with her legs wrapped around the back of my head, coming up for breaths like a swimmer doing the butterfly. It was the 90s, she was twice my age, and her husband was my boss.

Quimby written & performed by Harry Standjofski
"Look" she said, pointing above the vestibule door. Mistletoe. "Come on then," she said. I froze. "Don't be a suck," she said. I couldn't stand. She leaned down - oh the smell of her hair - and she kissed me. My lips were puckered but her tongue kind of snaked its way in. Our teeth bumped as we necked. Do I have to mention that I got excited? "You've never done this," she said. If I could have managed to get some oxygen into my lungs I might have responded. She kissed me again. Our tongues did a slow-dance, like to "Stairway to Heaven"...

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