Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - Week of 4/11

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' for the week of April 11 - April 15.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.11.16: Of course, we're just three days away from the big Democratic debate right here in New York. And both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have been busy campaigning throughout the city. Bernie even had some time to see the Broadway show "Hamilton" with his wife. Though it got awkward when Bernie stood up and said, (BERNIE) "I knew Alexander Hamilton! And you sir, are no Alexander Hamilton!"

Actually, the debate will be held over in Brooklyn. And to keep it authentic to Brooklyn, each candidate will debate by just shouting out a window at each other. (HILLARY, SHOUTING OUT WINDOW) "Your plans are no good!" (BERNIE, SHOUTING OUT WINDOW) "Ah, you don't know what you're talking about!"

And get this, Bernie Sanders said on Friday that his goal for financial reform is to quote, "make banking boring again." I think I speak for all Americans when I say, let's just make ELECTIONS boring again.

Meanwhile, Senator Lindsey Graham said in an interview last week that if he can support Ted Cruz, anybody can do it. You know it's bad when your best endorsement sounds like a bad diet plan. ("If I can do it, anyone can do it!")

And this isn't good. Hotel and casino tycoon Steve Wynn is under fire after he said, quote, "rich people only like being around rich people. Nobody likes being around poor people, especially poor people." In related news - Donald Trump needs a new opening line for his inauguration speech. (TRUMP) "My fellow rich people - but not you depressing poor people..."

Oh and check this out. The U.S. military is experimenting with a "self-driving warship" that is designed to hunt for enemy submarines. It's a billion dollar, state-of-the-art piece of naval technology, but when they want it to move, they still have to say, "H-6." "Aw, you sunk my battleship!"

But this is kind of cool. Ikea just launched a virtual reality app that lets you design a complete kitchen. So now you can fight with your spouse or girlfriend from the comfort of your own home. (Yellow backsplash? Why did I ever love you?)

And I saw that a "hedgehog café" will be opening in Tokyo where customers can pay to cuddle with hedgehogs. Or as Sonic put it, (SMOKE VOICE) "Hey - at this point, a paycheck's a paycheck."

This is nice. A man in the UK celebrated his 104th birthday by getting his first-ever tattoo. The man said it was something that had always been on his bucket list, while the tattoo artist said it was like trying to draw on a wet paper towel with a ball point pen.

And finally this is just a crazy story. Three men were rescued from an island in the Pacific Ocean after a Navy aircraft spotted the word "Help" written out in palm leaves. Then after they were choppered away, the fourth guy came out of the woods and said, "I found some coconuts!" (Guys??)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.12.16

I saw that Bill Clinton was in the Bronx campaigning for Hillary yesterday, and visited the "Hebrew Home for the Aging." While Hillary actually went there to drop off Bernie Sanders.

But it does seem like everyone's weighing in on the election these days. In fact the director of the CIA says that no matter who the next president is, the agency will not use waterboarding ever again. Instead, he's come up with a NEW way to torture people: turn off the Wi-Fi when they visit their parent's house.

Well, this isn't good. A Starbucks customer in Florida was just in the news because apparently, when he ordered a grande white mocha, the barista labeled it, "Diabetes Here I Come." But on the bright side, it was the first time that "Diabetes Here I Come" ever had his name spelled correctly on a Starbucks cup.

And this is interesting. Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like ONE CHILD better than another. Then one mother said, "Don't use my name, cuz I don't want Jeb to find out."

I read that hoarding is getting worse in the U.S. and affects over 15 million Americans. Of course it might be higher now, cuz I read that in a newspaper I've been saving since 2003.

And finally here's a local story. Robbers drilled a hole through a bank ceiling in Brooklyn over the weekend and stole more than 280,000 dollars. Police are looking for someone who knows Brooklyn and has a reason to attack banks and oh my God - it was Bernie Sanders! (BERNIE) "I'm taking matters into my own hands like Batman!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.13.16

Of course it's the big New York Primary which happens next Tuesday, which is looking pretty good for Hillary Clinton. In fact, website Five-Thirty-Eight says Hillary has a 99 percent chance of winning the primary for New York. When he heard, Bernie Sanders said, (BERNIE) "My God, I've become part of the one percent!"

And last night, CNN hosted a town hall with Republican front runner Donald Trump, and at one point he complained that the rules of the election are stacked against him "by the establishment." You gotta give it to Trump. He's the only man who could inherit millions of dollars, have his name on buildings, and still go, (TRUMP) "Life is totally unfair!"

Trump's family was also at the town hall, and Trump's daughter Ivanka was asked if the election is straining her friendship with Chelsea Clinton. Which means we have officially begun the Presidential campaign of 2032 everybody!

Oh, and this isn't good. Seven Andy Warhol paintings from his famous "Campbell's Soup" collection were stolen from a museum in Missouri and are valued at 500,000 dollars. Or as one janitor put it, (UNION GUY) "Hey, I took down all those old soup ads."

Yeah, seven of Andy Warhol's "Campbell's Soup" paintings from 1962 were stolen from a museum. But if you still want to see soup cans from 1962, you can just go hang out in my parents' kitchen. (DAD) "I'm telling ya Jim, soup doesn't go bad!"

And I read that audience members at the Broadway musical version of "American Psycho" are complaining that fake blood has been splattering on the people sitting in the front row. It's not just ruining their clothes - it's making it impossible for them to hail a cab after the show. "Okay - I can explain the blood!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.14.16

Tonight was the big democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. They discussed important issues such as national security, the economy, and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook. (BERNIE) "The Bernie Bros! They never stop with the ranting and posting!"

And last night, over 27,000 people attended a massive rally for Bernie Sanders in Manhattan's Washington Square Park. Well, technically seven thousand people showed up for Bernie, while 20 thousand New Yorkers just saw a line and got in it. ("It's gotta be good with this many people!")

And after Donald Trump said that the Republican primary process is unfair, the RNC chairman responded that Trump should've known the rules a year ago. In Trump's defense, he didn't expect anyone to fall for this a year ago. (TRUMP) "I totally expected to be the first contestant voted off the island!"

Listen to this. Producers for "Game of Thrones" confirmed that President Obama has requested and will receive episodes of the show's new season before it airs on HBO. You know, so he can call up Republicans and spoil it for them. (OBAMA, ON PHONE) "Uhh, hey McCain! Jon Snow's alive! Ha-ha!" (HANG UP)

Let's get to some sports. I want to say congrats to Kobe Bryant! Last night, he scored 60 points in his last game before retiring. When asked if they're excited to start getting the ball more often, his teammates said, "Oh, he took the ball with him."

Some celebrity news. In a recent interview, Kourtney Kardashian said that she eats avocado pudding for breakfast. That's when you know the Kardashians are out of touch - when they don't even know the word for "guacamole." (KARDASHIAN WHINE) "Avocado pudding?" Uh this burger tastes ok, do you have any tomato pudding?

And this is interesting. A new study finds that attending live concerts reduces your stress. The one factor they forgot to consider: the guy right in front of you filming it on his iPad. (HOLDING IPAD UP) "Yeah!! I can't wait to get home and watch this!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.15.16

Hey just a reminder you guys, that this Monday is Tax Day! It's that one day of the year when even Democrats turn into Republicans. ("How did I make NEGATIVE money this year?!")

And get this. I saw that several alumni of "The Apprentice" held a press conference today to say that Donald Trump should not be President. While on the other hand, Gary Busey went to the park to register squirrels to vote. (BUSEY) "President Trump will protect your acorns!" (Acorn! Always ... crunchy ... or... raw... nut.")

Meanwhile, Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a Town Hall on CNN recently, and Ted Cruz's wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's Chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like ANYONE who's watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. "Bring 'em down to the bunker!"

And Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall, and said if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup! I have 200 cans."

You guys, we have Robert De Niro on the show tonight! He's celebrating the 40th anniversary of "Taxi Driver," which gave us the quote "Are you talkin' to me?" As opposed to UBER drivers, who inspired the quote, "STOP talkin' to me." "Is the AC okay?" "Yes." "You thirsty?" "No." "Is the AC making you thirsty?" "Will you please stop talking to me!"

Oh, this isn't good. I just read that the cicadas are coming back next month. These unusual insects spend almost all their lives in holes underground, and only emerge once every seventeen years to mate, sort of like any couple with a Netflix account.



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