Student Blog: Dancing with Myself

I love dancing. I love being in big group numbers and getting to learn cool choreography and to just have fun. But sometimes it isn’t as easy as that. I love dance, but we have a rocky relationship and we go back and forth quite a bit. Something that I don’t think is talked about enough, is how mentally taxing being in a dance class can be. Any class in school for musical theater can be so hard mentally. Acting classes, singing classes, etc. For me personally, it’s dance. So, I wanted to spend some time talking about my relationship with dance and the ups and downs of it all. Because it isn’t talked about enough.

I first started dancing when I was 7 years old. My mom put me in a ballet class to start out, and it was okay. Ballet was never my favorite thing in the world. So, after one year of just ballet and getting the basics, I took more classes. I took tap, jazz, ballet, and then eventually pointe. I loved it. I loved all of it. I loved being in the studio til 9 or 10 at night learning and practicing dances for our recital at the end of the year. I took these classes for about 6ish years and loved it. I just danced with my friends. I still have pictures of myself from years of dance recitals. 

When I was a kid in those dance classes, I was fearless. I danced, I made mistakes, I fell on my face-but I didn’t care because I loved it. I had so much confidence. My dance teacher even let me move up into the high school level class when I was in 5th grade because the other 5th grade class conflicted with another activity I had going on, and she thought I could handle it and I did. Wednesday nights I spent in the dance studio. I did this for a few years.  I quit dance around 7th grade because I realized I didn’t have time to participate in both dance classes and the theatre program I was in, and I chose theatre. I took some dance classes through my theatre program all throughout middle school and high school and I still had that love for it and that sense of fearless-ness. For some reason, that all came crashing down when I took my first college dance class.

I didn’t take dance classes consistently through high school. I took a ballet class my first year of college that I did at home, but it was a very short course that ended up having to be on Zoom due to COVID. My first dance class in college was musical theatre ballet 1 and I was terrified. I had taken ballet for 6 years previously and I still remember the basics, but this was a whole new ball game. This was collegiate level, which I hadn’t done before and I only knew two other people in my class at the time. I eventually got the hang of it and I wasn’t so scared anymore. But, I knew that I wasn’t doing as well as the other people in my class. That’s when my confidence started to disappear. I took Musical Theatre Ballet 1 again the following semester, and I had a lot more fun in that class. My teacher was really fun and I knew more people in it. I did have more confidence in that class after having one semester of it under my belt.

My sophomore year, I tested into Musical Theatre Jazz 2 which I was really excited about. I want to preface that I loved this class. I loved the professor, I loved the people in the class, everyone was very nice and supportive, I enjoyed it a lot. This class was very challenging and there were days when I would go back to my dorm and cry because I didn’t feel like I was good enough. There are good dance days and there are bad dance days, and in this class I had a lot of bad dance days. I was constantly comparing myself to other people in the class and I didn’t feel like I was keeping up and my confidence was shot. And looking back at my videos from that class-you can tell. I got in my head so much that I tore myself down before I even got the chance to perform. I had meetings with my professor to see how I could improve-which I totally recommend, I was given specific things to work on which was helpful and beneficial to me-my professor told me that I could pick up choreography quickly and that I was doing well. But there was still this little voice in my head saying that I wasn’t meant to be a dancer. I didn’t think I looked good. And it is so so frustrating. One of my professors calls that voice the monkey in our head and that always makes me giggle. 

I made it through the class and I took Musical Theatre Jazz 2 again the following semester and my mentality got better in this class. I struggled a lot in the beginning, I got in my own head a lot still, but by the end of the class, I was feeling pretty good. I was keeping up, I could see myself improving, I thought that yes, I’ve gotten over this, I’ve beaten this little evil monkey in my brain, I’m good. I was starting to love dancing again. Fast forward to this semester, and that little monkey has decided to make a reappearance. I felt awful again. I’m currently taking Broadway Dance, where we are learning big dance numbers from famous Broadway shows and working on building characters for them, which I’m loving. We’ve done stuff from Hamilton, Chicago, and we just finished a number from Moulin Rouge today. It’s a lot of fun. But, I am constantly still falling back into the routine of comparing myself to the other people in my class and not feeling like I’m a dancer. I beat myself up so much. I still feel so out of place sometimes. But, then I look back at the videos we take in class. And I know the choreography. I know the steps. I’m getting better and I am improving, even if I don’t feel it. I am working so hard even if my brain tells me I am not. I am a good dancer even when I don’t feel like I am. I can keep up. Of course, there are still things I need to work on and improve, but so does everybody. So why does my brain tell me that none of those things are true?

Feelings are so good at lying to us and tricking us. Putting on a leotard at 8am three times a week can be so so daunting sometimes. I wake up and say “okay, are we gonna have a good dance day and feel great about ourselves or are we gonna wanna curl up in a ball and quit dancing forever?” Why is it so hard? And why does no one ever talk about it because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Why can’t I be as fearless as I was when I was a little kid? What did little Grace have when dancing, that I don’t have now? Why doesn’t my love for dance trump everything else?

I don’t know and I don’t have all the answers to those questions. I wish I did, but I don’t. I’m still trying to figure it out. But, I do have a few things that help me fight the monkey in my head, And it’s been a while, but here is a mini list of things that help me when me and dance are at wits ends with each other.

1. Get leotards and shoes that make you feel good. If you have the expenses to, because I know dancewear can be so expensive, get leotards/dancewear that you love putting on and that you feel good in. If you’re wearing something that doesn’t make you feel good, you aren’t going to feel like you look good. And you have to look at yourself in the mirror 90% of the time in dance classes, so finding something to wear that makes you happy can help immensely with confidence.
2. Get some sleep and eat breakfast. Almost all of my dance classes have been at 9 am which is painful, and on days when I don’t sleep very well or go to bed late, I feel so dead in dance and have a hard time paying attention. I also used to not eat anything before my dance classes, I’ve just recently become a breakfast person, and I realized that I had no energy for class. So, getting as much sleep as possible and eating a little breakfast in the morning has helped immensely.
3. Do something before class that makes you happy and puts you in a good mindset. I like to take my time before class, if possible, and make a good breakfast/meal. I like to take my time doing my hair and getting ready. I also like to listen to a podcast that makes me feel good. I'm a Christian as well, so I also like to pray before I head into my class and invite God into what I’m doing. 2 Samuel 6:14 is a great verse that I like to meditate on as well.
4. Remember why you love to dance. Remember how good it makes you feel when you nail your pirouettes or you feel the energy in the room of doing a big dance number. Remember how fun it is. Find the joy of it all. It’s hard sometimes, but I know it’s there. I just have to tap into it.

I have to remember, that little grace never went away. She is still here. She is still fearless and she loves to dance. I love to dance. If you are feeling like I am in the slightest, please know that even if you don’t feel like it, you are a dancer. And you are a great one. You are a wonderful performer. As long as you go out there, work for it, and love it, you are doing something right. Keep dancing. Keep fighting. Don’t let the monkey in your head win. As always, go do great things.

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