BWW Blog: Decisions, Decisions, and Nothing But Decisions!

Wait...what was that? You wanted me to make ANOTHER decision about the upcoming school year? I really hope that is not what you said...

Oh, so that is what you said.

*sigh mixed with high pitched scream*

Being a college student comes with anxiety and stress, but being a college student during a pandemic adds about 30 extra layers of anxiety, stress, and a little confusion to top it all off. It has felt like an endless cycle of uncertainty for the past few months. As the five month long spring break comes to a close, the ever present Fall semester has made its way to the forefront.

I imagine if you are a current college student, you have been presented with numerous decisions needed to be made within what feels like milliseconds. This idea of uprooting our new normal and entering uncharted territory once more is horrifying.

When starting college last Fall as a freshman, I was more excited than anything. I was nervous, of course, but more than anything I was just so happy to start college and be surrounded by other amazing people who wanted to do theatre as much as I did. I longed for that sense of home, and comfort. I was prepared to start this chapter alone, and figure out how to navigate everything.

The tables have turned in the most unexpected way.

Now, a year and a pandemic later, I want nothing to do with going back. The world we live in now is completely different then the one we had last year. Last year, there was still the excitement of being a theatre major and a possibility of performing on a collegiate stage. Last year, we could look forward to being with our friends, and making new friends by being able to actually be near them. Last year, we were not given an ultimatum of choosing safety over an education.

That is indeed the ultimate decision.

How can anyone truly, and honestly make that choice?

I have felt so lost during the last few months; longing for a sense of direction, clarity, and purpose while hoping I could muster up the ability to choose "correctly" and "wisely". I have teared myself up inside, shedding tears that have mixed with the rain falling from the black cloud that hovers over me.

I thought for a very long time that I had to make the best choice, not for me but for the people around me. That right there was immediately not what I needed to do at all. I did not need to make the choice for anyone else other than myself. I needed to do what was best for me.

Perfection does not exist, nor will it ever. School is school, yourself and your mental health is important.

That is the choice I made. To focus on me. To prioritize me.

I decided to opt for online classes this semester. I had to jump through a couple hoops to get there, but I am content. Going back to campus this semester scared me in more ways than I could articulate. Choosing to go online feels right, for right now. I won't be able to take any of my classes required for my theatre major, but that is alright. I will still be involved in my department this semester and have faculty that have supported me every step of the way. I feel at peace. And peace is hard to find in the midst of a hurricane.

Every path is going to be different. Each journey varies. Being mindful of where you are at and celebrating the small wins is what matters most now, and forever. People will always have an opinion and will try to undermine you. Just remember that working on you is not shallow, it is vital. You cannot put your best foot forward if you don't make sure your own feet work first.

Wait...what was that? You want me to take a deep breath? AND you want me to focus on the small things rather than looking at the big future? AND you want me to know that I am okay exactly where I am?

Now, that...I will do.