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Student Blog: How To Go Back When You Don't Know How

It's undeniable that Covid has changed all of us one way or another. So, is it possible to go back to "normal" when everything about your normal has changed?

Student Blog: How To Go Back When You Don't Know How

After a year and a half of living in my hometown, it's nearly time to go back to New York. I moved to New York in 2018, and I lived there until the first months of the pandemic. So, the question is, why do I feel more nervous about going back than I felt when I first left my hometown?

For the majority of last year, all that my friends and I talked about was how we couldn't wait to go back, and I genuinely wanted to, but for some reason, now that I have last than a month, I feel more nervous than excited.

I remember everything like I just came back for a holiday, but at the same time, it feels like I have never left Izmir after high school. Going back to old habits is really easy, and the feeling of familiarity and comfort draws me, probably like it does most people. I never left my city because I didn't like it here. In fact, Izmir is my favorite place on earth. The weather is perfect; I know where everything is. Maybe because it's my home, but I do belong here. But as much as I like it here, I also feel stuck.

New York makes me anxious; 90% of the time, I don't feel at home. I hate the weather; it's too rainy and too cold for me. Everyone's in a rush, there are countless times people yelled at me for being too happy. But it also makes me feel alive.

When I'm in Izmir, I can see my life too clearly, which is something I don't like. I need a sense of uncertainty to keep me motivated; I like living spontaneously, and I like not knowing what I would be doing or where I would be in a year or so. New York gives me that feeling of living on the edge.

This is normally what makes my returns to New York easier; it makes me fill with excitement, but this time, the excitement is mixed with nervousness, and I really don't like it. I don't know if it's the fact that I have spent a year stuck in my home, but I feel like the sense of spontaneity I have in New York can be too much for me right now.

I've been spending the last two months on the beachside of my hometown, and I am mostly living on my own again. All winter, I thought that I would directly go back to my normal restless self, and for the most part, I did; but as much freedom as I have here, I still am living within certain lines, and it is much easier to think I am acting freely when I have limited options.

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From This Author - Student Blogger: Melis Tavmergen