The Good Body: Straight Guys Rejoice! Eve Ensler Has a New One!

Hey, straight guys! I got great news for you. Eve Ensler has a new play in town. No, no really... this is great news for straight guys. You want to impress a girl? You take her to an Eve Ensler play. You don't even have to say anything. Just sit with her in the theatre and just being there makes you seem like the most sensitive, wonderful guy she's ever met. It's like ten times more effective than taking her to a Merchant Ivory movie and a lot shorter.

You guys who took a girl to her last show, The Vagina Monologues know what I mean, right? I hear statistics show that 92% of all straight guys who took a date to see The Vagina Monologues scored that night.

But hey, don't take my word for it. Listen to a couple of fictitious buddies of mine:

Tony from The Bronx: "I took my girlfriend to The Vagina Monologues a couple of years ago. At first I was a little freaked because the lady who played Mrs. Garrett in The Facts of Life was in it and it was weird to hear her talking all about her cooch. But two days later my girlfriend surprises me with playoff tickets! She said she really appreciated having a boyfriend who'd take her to see that play. So when I heard about The Good Body I got tickets for a preview right away. And when the show was over and we're leaving the theatre, she asks me 'When is the Super Bowl?' Dude, The Super Bowl! Eve Ensler, you rock my world!"

Vinnie from Great Neck: "My wife and I have been married for eleven years and I love her more than anything. But after the kids were born she started feeling bad about the way she looked. Yeah, she put on a few pounds but that's nothing. But she's been so down about herself that she won't do... you know... any more. We used to do... you know... all the time, but now she says she feels self-conscious about her looks. So I took her to see The Good Body. Now we're doing... you know... every night! Twice on Sundays! Eve Ensler, you are awesome!"

Steve from Flushing: "I had an ad on Match.com for a year and nobody ever responded to it. I sent emails to women on line every week and never got any answers. But then I changed the headline on my ad to say 'I have tickets to see The Good Body' and now I get a dozen responses every day! The kind of women who'd never look at me before are now asking me out! Now I see The Good Body three times a week with a different date every night. Thanks to Eve Ensler, I'm a stud!"

That's right guys. Women look at you differently when you take them to an Eve Ensler play. The kind of women who want to be "just friends" now look at you as serious boyfriend material. And the best part is you don't have to really understand what Ensler is talking about. Just making an effort and being sincere about it is enough.

Now, I know what you're thinking... this must be some really boring chick play. But really, it's good. A lot of it is really funny and there's some good serious stuff in it too. See, this woman Eve Ensler, she's the whole show. She's up on stage talking about how she gets all stressed out over the size of her stomach and how she never feels like she's good looking. But the weird thing is she's really a babe. She's got that whole sexy/nerdy thing going on and you know how hot that is. That's the whole message. No matter how sexy a woman is, she always thinks there's something about her that makes her ugly. And the most important thing to remember is that there's nothing a guy can do about it. No matter how many times we tell them they're beautiful, they're not gonna believe it until they think they're beautiful. There's this one scene where she says how her partner (Yeah, "partner". Don't worry about it.) tells her how sexy she is and she responds, "That doesn't count. You love me." Remember guys, it's not about us. It's about them.

Oh, and she plays a lot of different people too. You know Helen Gurley Brown? She's the lady who was the editor of Cosmopolitan. (You know, that magazine you keep picking up by mistake cause you look at the cover and think it's Maxim.) Anyway there's this monologue she does as her where she explains all the face lifts and plastic surgery she's had in her life. And then she's got this other scene where she plays this model who falls in love with her plastic surgeon. It's like, he gives her lipo and does a boob job on her so when they have sex it's like he's doin' it with his own creation. You ever see that painting of that guy Pygmalion, where he's making out with the statue he just sculpted? It's like that. Funny, but kinda sad too.

She plays other people too, like this Puerto Rican chick who's all about showing off her big booty, but she's careful about making sure the sagging places don't show. Then she's got this scene with women in India going to the gym and running on the treadmill. You know, I never thought about women in India working out before, but I guess they have to if they wanna be able to do all that Kama Sutra stuff.

But then she plays this wise old lady from Africa who's like, "You got a big stomach? So what? It's a stomach. It's supposed to be big." And she's all about embracing the body you have and being happy with it. So your girlfriend or your wife or your date -- they're gonna leave the theatre feeling good about themselves. And you know what... they're gonna connect that good feeling they have with you, cause you're the cool guy who was sensitive enough to take her to see The Good Body.

Oh, and if you don't have a date just remember that the theatre is packed with hundreds of women. And after the show they're all feeling really good about themselves. So what you do is you approach someone you like and ask if she'd like to join you for ice cream. Not a drink. Ice cream. You'll know why when you see the play.

And Eve Ensler, if you're reading this, I just want to say on behalf of straight guys everywhere, "Thank You". If it's not too much trouble, do you think you can write a new play every year? If you can open one on Broadway every year just a few weeks before the World Series, that would be awesome!

Photos by Joan Marcus

For more information visit thegoodbody.org

For more from Michael Dale visit dry2olives.com