Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, Week of 5/18

In 2014, "The Tonight Show" returned to its New York origins when "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" made its broadcast debut from Studio 6B in Rockefeller Center. Emmy Award- and Grammy Award-winning comedian Jimmy Fallon brings a high-tempo energy to the storied NBC franchise with his welcoming interview style, love of audience participation, spot-on impersonations and innovative sketches.

An American television institution for almost 60 years, "The Tonight Show" continues to be a home to big-name celebrity guests and a stage for top musical and comedic talent. Taking a cue from his unforgettable predecessors, including hosts Johnny Carson and Jay Leno, Fallon carrys on the tradition that audiences know and love - kicking off every show with the iconic "Tonight Show" monologue.

Below, check out quotables from last week's shows!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.18.15

Welcome to The Tonight Show! My name is Jimmy Fallon and I am the only person in entertainment NOT featured in Taylor Swift's new video.

I saw that this weekend, many potential candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination attended a fundraising dinner in Iowa. And you can tell the Republican field is getting a little too big, because half of them had to sit in Illinois.

That's right, Republican presidential candidates attended a dinner in Iowa with 1400 guests. I don't want to say Republican voters are getting old, but half of those guests were baseball players who walked out of a nearby cornfield. ("If you caucus, they will come.")

Actually, I saw that George W. Bush gave the commencement speech at Southern Methodist University on Saturday. Yeah, he told graduates that other than being president, college was the best eight years of his life.

And did you see this? During a charity boxing match on Friday, MITT Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised one million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his OTHER ear talking about his 18 grandchildren. "Then there's little Nate, there's Nate #2..." "Lets go lets go I give up!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.19.15

Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm Jimmy Fallon - and I can say with complete confidence I would lose a push-up CONTEST to everyone in this room.

(REVEAL THE AUDIENCE)

That's right, it's Fleet Week here in New York! And I'm proud to say our entire audience is filled with military personnel. You can tell it's Fleet Week because this morning I was walking through Times Square and just like that famous poster, I saw a sailor grab a young woman, dip her... and take a SELFIE with her.

(GRAB/DIP/SEFLIE) Everyone knows it.

Yeah, it's Fleet Week and members of the armed forces are visiting New York City. It's nice to see Times Square filled with our country's bravest and strongest, instead of our drunkest and Elmo-est.

Let's get to some news. Oh this is big. I saw that President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain was like, "Welcome to the Internet, GRANDPA!"

And a new poll found that almost 70 percent of voters said that whoever our next president is, they must have political experience. You know, cuz it would be rude to say "Anyone but Donald Trump." That would be rude.

This is a little awkward here. Alan Thicke just revealed that he and his wife like to quote "get freaky" to his son Robin Thicke's song, "Sex Therapy." Which explains Robin's NEW song: "Regular Therapy."

Some news out of England here. In a recent interview, Prince Harry said that he's, quote, "very happy not having a girlfriend." Which is exactly what you say when you're very sad about not having a girlfriend. ("I'm GREAT! Not lonely at all! I LIKE going to the movies by myself.")

And finally, I'm sure you guys are very excited about this, the new season of "The Bachelorette" premiered last night, where 25 men picked BETWEEN two women they want to fall in love with. Yeah, 25 guys vying for a couple of women. Or as that's also known, ANY bar near a military base.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.20.15

I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I want to thank you for watching this on your DVR after you watched Letterman.

Yeah, I had kind of a weird day. This morning, my dad called me up and said, (GRUFF) "So, tonight's your last show, huh." And I said, "No Dad, that's someone else." And he was like, "Ah well - wishful thinking." (HANG UP)

But I'm excited about the show we have tonight. You guys, Pitbull is here! That's right we have Pitbull and Jeff Foxworthy on the show! Or as Republicans call that: The perfect ticket for 2016.

Yeah, that's the big story of course. The race for President. And get this, I read that Rand Paul is trying to keep his name out there and even organized vans to bring reporters to his speech in Philadelphia. So if you want to be packed in a van with a bunch of Rand Paul supporters...you probably already live in a van. (CRAZY) "Gotta stay off the grid man!"

Oh, and this is pretty big. President Obama broke a world record after he reached one million followers on Twitter in just five hours. Yeah, the only guys NOT following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track MONTHS ago. (INTO WRIST) "I swear he was in here...can we have two tequilas?"

This is nice. Chrysler just announced that it plans to offer free college tuition to thousands of employees at dealerships across the country. Chrysler says it's just a small way of making up for the PT Cruiser.

Hey, you might want to listen to this if you're headed to Disneyland this summer. Disney has put up new signs around the park to remind guests that they are not allowed to use SELFIE sticks on any of the rides. When asked why, Disney said it's so that roller coaster passengers can safely...pay 35 bucks for their photos at the end of THE RIDE just like everyone else. That's how they get ya.

And this is pretty amazing. I just read about a 93-year-old woman who is currently the country's oldest park ranger. So if you see a bear - don't worry. There's at least one person you can outrun. "Out of the way, Mildred!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.21.15

Let's get to some news here. This week, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced a new bill that would make four-year college tuition free. Which was great news, unless you were the student who was just walking out of your graduation. "Wait what?! What is going on?"

Speaking of Bernie Sanders. There are reports that he made just two thousand dollars last year for speeches and TV appearances. I hope he doesn't ask for MORE, cuz then we gotta get someone else to play Hashtag the Panda.

Yeah, Bernie Sanders made around two thousand dollars last year for two speeches and a TV appearance, compared to the 25 million dollars the Clintons made. Making him the first person in history to run for president just because he really needs the money. Something's gotta give.

Some TV news. It was announced that Alfonso Ribeiro will replace Tom Bergeron as the new host of "America's Funniest Home Videos." It's great news for all those fans who watch "America's Funniest Home Videos" for the host. "Fast-forward through the dads getting hit in the crotch! I wanna see the host have some good jokes!"

I read that Bruce Springsteen is selling his house in Beverly Hills for around 70 million dollars. And for that much money, the house actually comes WITH Bruce Springsteen. (BRUCE) "Scrambled eggs! Scrambled eggs! How was your day? Come on in lets go to the kitchen! What do you want? It's your house."

Hey check this out. Martha Stewart has partnered with Triscuit to release a new coconut and sea salt-flavored cracker. It's for people who love crackers, but wish they tasted more like a loofah soaked in sunscreen.

I thought this was interesting. There's a new survey out that says the most popular time to have a serious conversation with your partner is 8:15 p.m. In a related story, the most likely time for couples to get into a huge argument is about 8:16 p.m.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.22.15

Of course, it's the Presidential election. And this was kind of a surprise. In a recent interview, the rapper 50 Cent said that he is going to be supporting Hillary Clinton. Hillary would be excited, but she doesn't even get out of bed for less than a million cents.

And I saw that this week, Hillary Clinton joined the networking site LinkedIn. And you thought she was deleting a lot of emails BEFORE. (Leave me alone, LinkedIn!!) Get ready!

That's right, Hillary Clinton joined LinkedIn. Or as LinkedIn executives put it, "Hey, look - we got one! Hey! Someone signed onto our server! What do we do now? What does LinkedIn do?!" All my inbox is LinkedIn. They're a little pushy there.

And now even Newt Gingrich is weighing on the race for President. In an interview this week, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "dangerous" and "incompetent" and suggested that Hillary Clinton would be even worse. Unfortunately, the only ones who heard him were the goats at the petting zoo where he works. (And they STRONGLY disagreed.)

And I saw that Sarah Palin went on Facebook to announce that her daughter Bristol's wedding has been called off, though she said the two families will still get together on the wedding day to "celebrate life". In other words, the catering's already paid for. You gotta show up, do something.

Some big tech news here. I read that Apple is developing a service called HomeKit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, PLEASE don't tell my parents about it. (DAD) I can't be explaining everything. Huh? What? I pressed that -- it's a 105 degrees in here!

And get this. Playboy has a new app that will offer "safe" content that's different from what's offered in the magazine. It's already broken a record: LEAST downloaded app of all time. I read it for the articles.

I saw that Gatorade chose Michael Jordan to narrate its newest commercial called, "We Love Sweat." Yeah, "We Love Sweat." Yup, "We Love Sweat." Then 7-Eleven said, "Great - now we gotta get a new slogan for our hot dogs!"