BWW Recap: THE BACHELORETTE Returns & so do Patti Murin's Perfect Recaps!

Welcome back, friends and family of The Bachelorette!!! The eleventh season has officially begun, and I am officially in my happy place. Although not quite as happy as I would normally be, due to the fact that this time around, there are TWO Bachelorettes to start. Kaitlyn, the fun-loving, Canadian dance instructor, and Britt, the absolutely stunning yet possibly manipulative waitress from Los Angeles (duh: actress). Can you tell whose side I'm on?

I don't know why the powers that be decided that this twist would be a good one, because it immediately made a lot of people VERY angry. The entire point of creating "The Bachelorette" was so the women would finally have the power after many seasons of men always doing the rose-giving. So this season turns that entire concept on its head, as the 25 Most Eligible Bachelors are the ones deciding whose love they would rather compete for, and on the very first night no less. So after a brutal season of Kaitlyn and Britt fighting 28 other women for the heart of a successful small town farmer who absolutely can NOT dance, they have to fight it out one last time with an entirely new group of guys. Sexist? Yes. Misogynistic? Kinda. Unfair? ABSOLUTELY. Am I still going to watch and recap despite being outraged and offended? Hell yes.

We begin with a brief reintroduction to our ladies, each looking beautiful in her chosen evening gown. Though Britt is being a little on the nose in her bridal white, she has the desired effect on the men, who can't stop talking about how gorgeous she is. On a scale of 1 to 10, one guy gives her a 15, and one gives her a billion, neither seeming to understand how a scale of 1 to 10 works. The ladies have a brief chat with our esteemed host Chris Harrison, who takes a brief break from swimming in his pool full of money, and while Kaitlyn is understandably nervous, Britt has that old familiar confidence from last season. The ladies are positioned approximately 10 feet away from each other in what promises to be a bunch of VERY awkward interactions with the contestants, and the limos start to arrive.

The first group of guys all flock to Britt, with Kaitlyn feeling more and more out of place. Jonathan, an automotive spokesman (read: used car salesman), basically offers Britt his child in exchange for her love, Ryan B. greets her with words I would have loved to hear when I was five ("Hi, Disney Princess"), and Brady, a singer-songwriter from NASHVILLE has melodies inside of him that I think he should get checked out. Britt is glowing from the attention and the super high gloss BB cream she spread over her whole body, and Kaitlyn is starting to panic.

But hold on! The next group of men all have their sights set on Kaitlyn! And this group apparently includes anyone with any iota of a personality. Ian is a supremely good-looking runner who got into a car accident when he was younger and beat the odds to not only walk, but run every day. JJ (not last season's Pantsepreneur JJ, but Former Investment Banker JJ) wins Kaitlyn over with a hockey puck, telling her "I would like to puck you." For anyone else, it would have been a mess of a line, but considering this is the girl who told Chris Soules she would "plow the f*** out of his fields any day," it's extremely well played. And then we have Josh, who is a recent law school grad, studying for his Bar exam and stripping on the side. (I feel like I should comment on that, but it seems to be a normal sentence in the Bach-iverse). Round it out with Shawn B., who is a fitness trainer or something but it doesn't matter what he does cause he looks a little like skinny faced Ryan Gosling, and Kaitlyn is back in the game.

And here comes Tony. By profession, he is a Healer. Or a Flexibility Specialist. Or just the super Zen guy who just happens to have a yellowing black eye that no one mentions or bothers to explain. He feels energy radiating from Britt's chest (but don't they all?) and quickly chooses his favorite.

Some other highlights of the man intros are Shawn E., who sdcgrvt (sorry, one of the two ADORABLE puppies I'm currently fostering wrote that-anyone want a new friend??) is an Amateur Sex Coach and drives up in a car that is also a hot tub, which could be the biggest oxymoron on a show filled with morons. When asked later why he is an Amateur Sex Coach, he gives some sort of answer that includes the word "anal" and I believe a confession that he is a virgin? Very unclear. There's also Chris, an adorable dentist who drives up in a car that is literally a cupcake, which makes me laugh so hard I almost spit my Sauvignon Blanc through my nose. With all these bizarre cars, I'm surprised one of the men's job titles isn't "Specialty Auto Engineer." Then there's Joshua, a true hunk of a man who is a welder from a small country town, which is WAY sexier than a farmer from a small town.

The ladies head inside, where this season's Drunk Guy has wasted no time in revealing himself! It is Ryan M., a Junkyard Specialist (maybe he's the one making all these cars?) who has professed his undying love for Kaitlyn, with Fireball on the rocks being a verrrrrry close second. He isn't just wasted, he is belligerent, insulting Shawn E. and his hot tub car immediately upon his arrival in front of the women, stripping down and jumping in the pool, somehow managing to fall in AND out of said pool simultaneously while not spilling a drop of beer, actually uttering the phrase "Why am I not raping you right now?" to one of the other (male) contestants, and the worst crime of all, slapping Kaitlyn on the ass. Oh no, my friend. We as a country may be just fine with objectifying our ladies and gentlemen to the tune of a bajillion dollar television franchise, but it is NOT cool to sexually harass one of them. Pauly the security guard takes Ryan M. out of the room, where a very sober Chris Harrison puts him in a van and sends him home, presumably where some poor intern must stay UP ALL NIGHT making sure he sleeps on his side so as not to choke on his own vomit.

Chris informs the men that the voting room has opened! "Voting" consists on each man taking his "rose" and putting it in his favorite woman's "box" which has a "rose-shaped hole" on the top. I mean...yeah. Tony the Healer knows immediately which box his rose wants to get into, so he charges into the room quietly and casts the first vote. Kaitlyn has a lovely sit down with Shawn B., aka skinny Ryan Gosling, and he proclaims love at first sight. Britt and Brady the Songwriter have a competition to see who can use the most virtual exclamation points in their one on one time ("Oh my gosh, you live in NASHVILLE?? I LOVE Nashville!!!" "You like baseball?? I LOVE baseball!!!!!!"). But the first of our two part Bachelorette season premiere ends as Chris Harrison tallies the votes, rose by rose, and heads off to tell the women who will be our next Bachelorette. Tuesday comes around, and we immediately find out that the winner is...

KAITLYN!!! Oh, thank the universe and heaven above. I don't think I could have taken a whole season of Britt's wide eyes and permanent makeup. Britt is in an obvious state of shock, as this is most likely the first time she has ever been rejected. She climbs into the limo and cries her way to the hotel.

When Chris tells Kaitlyn that she won the Rose Box Competition, she shows just how classy she is by asking immediately how Britt is doing. Then she allows herself to freak out and cry and call her mom. But wait! There is a Rose Ceremony tonight, so she must go inside and talk to all of the men who ignored her because they were here for Britt! Tony the Healer spews out some deep thoughts about water fountains before re-committing to winning Kaitlyn's love. Jared, aka LoveMan, aka Ashton Kutcher with a toupee and bushy eyebrow stickers, decides that honesty is the best policy and admits that while he voted for Britt, he would love to remain and get to know her better, a move that impresses Kaitlyn. She is SO impressed that she makes out with Cupcake Chris almost as soon as she is able. But the First Impression Rose goes to Shawn B.! Who she also makes out with, therefore setting the record for Most Kisses on the First Night. At this point, my mom texts me and says, "She's a tramp!" and my straight male neighbor who works in finance and has been forced to watch this notes that every guy on this show looks like every guy he has ever worked with.

Rose Ceremony Time! Brady the Songwriter pulls a fast one and decides to leave in search of Britt, which shouldn't be too hard since the producers and camera crews are more than willing to provide her address, and a mode of transportation for him to get there. Kaitlyn gives roses to Chris the Dentist, Ben H., JJ, Joe, Kupah (SUPER MARIO!! No? Okay), Daniel, Ryan B., who is now just Ryan because the other Ryan went home, Joshua the Manly Welder, Tony the Healer (seriously??), Clint, Corey and Cory (who?), Jonathan, Ben Z., Tanner, Ian, Justin, and Jared the LoveMan. Not going further are Josh the Stripper, Shawn E. the Amateur Sex Coach, and David and Bradley, neither of whom I actually remember a thing about.

The previews for the upcoming season are FASCINATING, as they reveal that not only does Nick Viall of Andi Dorfman's season return for Kaitlyn, but they seem to REALLY like each other, and possibly know each other already. Also it seems as though Kaitlyn goes too far too fast with one of her noble suitors and instantly regrets it. Hey, Kaitlyn. Welcome to my 20s. Literally, all of my 20s.

The episode ends with Brady pulling up outside Britt's hotel, where she is still crying. I hope next week begins with a serenade. Until then, I have to go see about some puppies.

(Seriously, if you're looking for a puppy or kitten or cat or dog, go to www.inourhandsrescue.org and take a look!)

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