TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Quotables - Week of 11/24

Below, check out quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of November 24 - November 27:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.24.14
Today, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel resigned after sources say the White House became frustrated with his often embarrassing and contradictory remarks. At which point Biden quietly started packing his things.

During a recent interview with George Stephanopoulos President Obama said that after his presidency, voters will want a quote, "new car smell" in 2016. Then Americans were like, "Actually, we just want you to finally put the key in the ignition. We'd like you to do something. Get a jumpstart."

And get this, over the weekend, President Obama played golf with Derek Jeter in Las Vegas. Jeter enjoyed hearing Obama describe what it's like to be president, while Obama enjoyed listening to Jeter describe what it's like to be retired. (OBAMA) "So you just sit there in your sweatpants? Sounds so great."

And this was a little embarrassing. Last week, President Obama was spotted leaving the Marine One helicopter shortly after boarding, because he forgot his Blackberry inside the White House. Yeah, his Blackberry. Which got worse when he had to go back a second time to get his Discman. He was like, "I need some Ace of Base for the trip." (SINGING)

Of course this week, in keeping with tradition, President Obama will pardon a turkey during a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden. When he heard that, Ted Cruz was like, "Another executive order! Who does he think he is, a KING?!"

Yeah, not everyone's happy about it. In fact, PETA is asking President Obama's teenage daughters to go vegan for THANKSGIVING to support ANIMAL rights. As opposed to the OTHER reason teenagers go vegan on THANKSGIVING - just to be difficult. "I decided five minutes ago. I can't eat any of this." "Can you shave a veggie burger to look like a turkey piece?"

Oh, listen to this. During a recent interview, "Game of Thrones" actress Natalie Dormer said that the series could use some more male nudity. Though it'll be awkward during a nude scene when an actor is like, (LOOK DOWN) "Sorry, uh...winter is coming?" (It just got here apparently.) A little brisk outside.

Well this just seems like a sign of the times here. Last week, Colorado approved the world's first credit union that specializes in marijuana businesses. So if you think the line is slow at YOUR bank ... (STONED, COUNTING BILLS) "Twenty-ONE...oh man, sorry, I need your name again...and your social security number...Oh man, you see this video on YouTube?"

And finally, I heard about a new device called the "Sonic Decanter," that can age wine and make it taste better in just 20 minutes. Not to be confused with the other way you can make wine taste better in 20 minutes: drinking wine for 20 minutes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.25.14
Yeah, everyone is on edge in Ferguson, Missouri after the Grand Jury decision last night. And of course a lot of people have questions about what exactly went on there. But don't worry - your Facebook friends have ALL the answers.

And last night, President Obama addressed the nation, and called for calm and restraint in the wake of the Ferguson grand jury decision. And Americans said, "When have we ever shown calm and restraint? We overthrew the English because the tea was too expensive." (We don't even LIKE tea! We like coffee!)

Some news out of England. It's rumored that Kate Middleton is buying her brother-in-law Prince Harry a yellow Labrador puppy for Christmas. When asked when they'll get him fixed, the Royal Family said, (BRITISH) "Probably before his next trip to Vegas. Oh, you mean the puppy! The puppy yes. Harry get back to your quarters! The puppy of course..."

Of course a lot of people are going to be headed to the movies this weekend, probably to see the new "Hunger Games" film, "Mockingjay: Part 1" which is currently number one at the box office. And get this. New data shows that the "Hunger Games" movies have inspired 29 couples to name their daughters "Katniss." Then kids who were born when "The Hobbit" came out said, "You got off easy." (MOM) "This is my daughter Bilbo...Bilbo, say hi to everybody. We love the Hobbit."

Oh, and get this, Christian Bale just said that at first, he was jealous Ben Affleck was cast as the new Batman, but since then, he has emailed Ben with some advice for the role. His first piece of advice? (BATMAN VOICE) "Don't do this stupid voice." (It sounds cool at first, but gets old real fast.)

And get this, it's so cold in the midwest that they're saying parts of Michigan's Great Lakes are already covered in ice, which is the earliest it has appeared in 40 years. It's important to remember that those lakes could STILL be dangerous, so be sure to send out the kid you like the least to skate first.

And finally thought this was nice. I heard about a church in Chicago that recently gave its regular members 500 dollars each to "do something positive." Churchgoers said it was a great way to do something good for the community while still holding on to 495 dollars.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.26.14
There are rumors out of Washington this week that Joe Biden was not happy with the way the White House forced the resignation of Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel, because the two are apparently good friends. Biden strongly denied that he's unhappy with the administration, while Hagel strongly denied that he's friends with Joe Biden. See each other in the hallway, but yeah.

Yeah, people are saying Biden was upset with how they handled Hagel's resignation. Especially the part where they told Biden he was just going to live on a farm upstate. Can you believe it?

And a little bit of a SCANDAL here. Billy Joel is denying rumors that during a recent visit to the White House, President Obama offered him a cigarette - even though he supposedly quit back in 2009. But Joel did confirm that the president is quick with a joke, or to light up YOUR smoke, and there's DEFINITELY someplace that he'd rather be." (SING) "Laaaa di dah diddy dah..."

This is interesting. According to a new poll, nine out of ten Latino voters agree with President Obama's executive action to protect undocumented immigrants. People were like, (SURPRISED) "Wait, 9 out of 10 of you actually VOTE? AND you agree on something? Forget becoming citizens, wanna be members of Congress??"

Check this out. I read that a new elementary school in Texas will open in 2016 and be named after George W. Bush. While its detention hall will be named after Dick Cheney. (CHENEY) "Sit here in the dark til we determine your punishment."

You guys ready for Thanksgiving? Well, people are worried that the big snowstorm could delay everyone's travel throughout most of the East Coast. I'm not saying the drive looks bad, but the traffic report just said to "bring empty bottles."

Of course a lot of you will be flying this weekend. Well, get this, JetBlue says they plan to reduce passengers' leg room by an inch and a half so that it can add more seats on each plane. Or as JetBlue put it, (SALESY) "That way, our broken TVs can be even closer to your face!" (PILOT) "I'm sorry everybody the TVs seem to be out uhhhhhhhh. And it looks like we'll be getting in an hour earlier because of tail winds...but the problem is they didn't KNOW we would get in early, so we need to sit on the tarmac for another three hours. And of course when we shut off the plane, the air conditioning ALSO shuts off. So uhhhh welcome to JetBlue...we'll have someone hand out a couple of blue nachos and that should confuse until we de-board the plane..."

Some TV news here. I heard about a new Lifetime reality show that follows a group of women who are thinking about becoming nuns. OR you could just watch "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" backwards.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.27.14
Happy Thanksgiving, you guys! I hope you all had a great meal with your family - and that all your siblings are doing just a little bit worse than you are. (Pass the bar, I mean GRAVY! It doesn't matter.)

Of course, today was the Macy's THANKSGIVING Day Parade! You know, I can still remember when I was a kid, sitting on my dad's shoulders so I could see everything. And my Dad saying, (HOLDING KID ON SHOULDERS) "Why the hell are we doing this when we're just watching it on TV?" It felt exciting, you know.

Everybody loves Macy's Parade. And this year kids got to see Elmo and Big Bird and a Power Ranger. Unfortunately, they were all Times Square performers being led away in handcuffs BEFORE the parade. But still, the kids got to see it and wave hello to them.

There were six new balloons in the parade this year, including Pikachu and the Red Mighty Morphin Power Ranger. Yep, those were the two "new" balloons. I guess they came before and after the Spin Doctors float. (SINGING). "We got a new balloon this year. Little orphan Annie."

Oh and get this. A restaurant here in New York City is offering a nine-course THANKSGIVING dinner package, that comes with dance lessons, a shopping spree, and grandstand seating at the Macy's parade for 35 thousand dollars. They say it's the perfect gift for a husband to give to his wife and her gay best friend. (COUNTING OFF MONEY) "Enjoy your dancing, your shopping..."

And I don't know if you guys are going shopping tomorrow, to try and get some good deals. But I just read that millennials - people between 18 and 29 - (the Fallennials) - are the most likely to shop in stores for Black Friday - because they like the experience. And so next year, they can try and top grandpa's stories about being in ACTUAL WARS. (OLD) "I spent five days in a foxhole!" "Yeah - well I wrestled a nun for some ear buds, sooooo...aren't they the same?"

And this was just crazy. I heard that competitive eater Joey Chestnut ate more than nine pounds of turkey to win a turkey-eating CONTEST last weekend. He would have celebrated, but he fell asleep for two days. (It's called a turkey coma. Just laying there, drooling with his pants unbuckled. Very sad.)

Oh, listen to this. It's rumored that the trailer for the new "Star Wars" film will be featured before the next "Hobbit" movie in December. Then "Hobbit" fans said, (NERD) "Great, now the theater's gonna be full of NERDS!"

Here's some important information if you're thinking about visiting Venice, Italy anytime soon. Apparently tourists in Venice could face up to 600-dollar fines for having noisy suitcases with loud wheels. Residents were like (ITALIAN YELLING) "We are-a fed-a up with these-a loud noises!" Do you a-believe-a all this rolling around? What are you-a talking about? I'm talking-a about rolling around!! The people with-a the wheels!! (YELLING BACK AND FORTH) Wheels! I hate a-the-a the wheels! A-go to bed why a-you wake up so early!? $600 fine.

This is a nice thing to think about this time of year. According to a new study, the U.S. is tied with Myanmar for being the world's most generous country. The U.S. said, "You know what? You guys can have the title." Then Myanmar said, "Thanks!" Then the U.S. said, "Ha! That was a trick! We're the champs, baby!" (USA!) We're that generous...



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