CRITIC'S CUT: The Most Awful (Theoretical) AMERICAN IDOL Judges
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Since American Idol has turned into basically a game of has-been musical chairs, we thought we'd cast out the nets on who might just be, theoretically, the producers' worst potential picks for the impending 13th season. I mean, we can't expect mega-divas Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey to actually outlast Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, can we?
The original diva on IDOL? Madge might not be TOO horrible on the panel. She is notoriously mean, after all. Madonna might be right at home (in an igloo) on Project Runway with her infamous fashion sense, but an icy/vacant glare only goes so far on IDOL. And Seacrest has had that role locked up for years.
Photo by: CamilLa Morandi / Rex / Rex USA
9) John Mayer
Boy, John Mayer is one cool cat, huh? Just kidding, everyone actually hates him. His music is tolerable, but having to listen to him mumble on and on every week about his past flings (and asking the female contestants if they want to be his next one) would just get old. Madonna might keep him in line, though.
Photo by: POOL/RETNA LTD.
8) The Spice Girls
All of them. This might not be such a horrible idea, actually. Let's just go ahead and throw out Minaj, Carey, Jackson, and Urban, and replace with them with a group of wack-a-doo girls named after hobbies and garnishes. There's enough personality in those five girls to more than warrant them taking over IDOL. Girl power, yeah.
Photo by: Richard Young/Rex
7) Joey Fatone
Otherwise known as, 'That One Guy' from NSYNC. He's only less recognizable than Chris Kirkpatrick (the one with dreads.) Fatone has proven he can handle reality TV (he competed on DANCING WITH THE STARS.) But come on...if the producers of IDOL want a former boybander, they should really, really go after someone remarkable, like one of the guys from LFO.
Photo by: Sara De Boer / Retna Ltd.
6) Katharine McPhee
I'm sorry, but 'snore.' If IDOL was to ever bring a former contestant back and plop them on the judge's panel, let's hope it's not McPhee. She's got a great voice, but definitely lacks in the 'spark' department. Just tune into SMASH to see her get upstaged by Megan Hilty. Hey, let's just let Hilty rise in the musical ranks, and then bring her in!
Photo by: Patrick Randak/NBC
Everyone fawns over her, but have they also forgotten how boring 'Queen B,' or whatever it is she calls herself these days, is? I don't understand Sasha Fierce, or why she needs an alter ego. I have so many questions, and she does nothing to answer them. Is she a robot? Does she eat? Do singing automatons eat?
Photo by: Mark Makela
4) Robert "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle
Mr. Van Winkle just isn't relevant enough to keep viewers tuned in. Obviously. But as his rockin' hand tattoos (and the picture above) show, his schedule's probably 'Wide Open.'
Photo by: Everett Collection/Rex USA
3) Bob Dylan
Dylan is undoubtedly a legend. A lyrical genius who's contributed considerable amounts to the musical soundscape of the 20th century. At the same time, no one can understand what he's saying either.
Photo by: Owen Sweeney/Rex
2) Lindsay Lohan
Can you imagine Lohan sauntering in late with fettucini alfredo stains on her shirt, ceiling eyes, and having difficulty finding her chair? In short, she'd be just like Britney on X FACTOR, but less charming and more alarming. But seriously, she used to sing, and she's constantly in the headlines. She'd probably get IDOL back to being 'Must Watch TV!' You know, if she actually showed up.
Photo by: Walter McBride
1) Marilyn Manson
Yeesh. For full disclosure, I used to have nightmares of Manson as a child. But who didn't? The thought of him judging next to Mariah Carey and Randy Jackson is equally hilarious and horrifying. Sidenote: he does genuinely seem like a nice guy, though! Just maybe not right for the general masses. Or, you know, the public view.
Photo by: Rob Monk / Future Publishing/Rex/Rex USA