BWW Recap: Patti Murin Breaks Down THE BACHELOR; Two Virgins, One Chris

Happy Snowmageddon 2015, my friends! Tonight, on a very special episode of "Patti Watches 'The Bachelor,'" Patti sits on her couch, cozy in her pink fuzzy onesie, drinking a bottle glass of champagne with her fiancee who may or may not like this show more than she does. Rehearsal was canceled for tomorrow on account of the blizzard that has fallen upon the East Coast (come see us in "Lady, Be Good!" at Encores! City Center, February 4-8!), so we have hunkered down with our staples (ice cream, wine, cheese, candy, chips) ready to watch some bitches be cray. Here we go!

It's snowing in NYC, but hot as a fake tan in LA as Week Three of dating and mating begins. Chris Harrison arrives, having resumed his duties after getting a week of rest while Jimmy Kimmel crash-hosted the show, and he informs the gals that this week, some special guests will be choosing who goes on the one on one date with Farmer Chris. They are all going to spend some quality time with...HIS SISTERS. Yes, the sisters we met on last season of The Bachelorette, who all wear jewelry that was obviously handcrafted by their best friends from high school who sell it on Etsy and never make it to the "Most Popular" category. He also delivers the first Date Card, and Megan, Kaitlyn, the Ashleys, Juelia, Samantha, Kelsey and Mackenzie are the lucky recipients of the first Group Date. The card says, "Let's do what feels natural..." So naturally, the girls put on acres of makeup and enough extensions to weave baby blankets for the entire newborn population of LA County.

The Group Daters drive in some kind of nice-looking vintage cars (dude, I can't be smart about EVERYTHING) up to a lake for a relaxing day of drinking, skinny dipping inappropriately and judging other girls as they skinny dip inappropriately. Ashley I. (who loves to constantly remind us that she is a virgin) takes off her top, Kaitlyn takes off her bottoms, and Kelsey starts to lose her mind. As the day continues, she gets more and more irritated and crosses over into Snooty Bee-yotch territory, declaring that "My face is getting skinnier because I've spent so much time fake smiling," and "There are times I feel like taking a fork and stabbing it into my eye." Happily, karma exists and she immediately gets stung by a bee that was most likely committing suicide because a shrieking gaggle of "ladies" raided its formerly serene lake home.

Chris informs the Group Daters that they will not be moving on to another, usually nicer, location: they will finish the date by camping overnight by the lake! Kelsey outs herself as a Lake Snob ("If you want lakes, go to Michigan"), and Ashley I. informs us that she is "a virgin camping and a camping virgin." Enuf with the virgin talk, Ash! Virgins don't wear fake eyelashes as comfortably as you do.

Chris gets some alone time with each girl, but the most memorable chat is with everyone's favorite psychopath, Ashley S. After a quiet week last Monday, she's back in full-on Space Cadet Mode. I don't know which moment was weirder, when she interrupted herself to attack his face with her mouth, or WHEN SHE TOLD HIM SHE LOVED HIM. Farmer Chris is obviously freaked out by this and ends their alone time as soon as it is convenient and not too obvious that he fears for his life. Back at the campfire, he gives the Date Rose to Kaitlyn, who responds by telling us at home, "This is great. I feel awesome. I'm drunk." I instantly like her more for this.

Ashley I. (the Virgin, remember?) retaliates by sneaking into Chris's tent late at night and uttering the words no man ever wants to hear: "This is smaller than I expected." She leaves very confident in the fact that she told him her big secret (she's a virgin, remember?), but since she never actually said those words, he has no idea what she is talking about and the whole mission is a bust.

Back at THE BACHELOR Pad (not to be confused with Bachelor Pad the show), the remaining girls have been visiting with The Iowa Sisters. Not a Midwestern Christian girl group, though I wish it was. Out of the three, only one has a Kate Gosselin haircut, which I consider a real win. They interview each girl and eventually decide that Jade is the most deserving of the one on one date with their brother, much to Britt's dismay, who has just confided in all of America that she is most definitely the front runner in this race. Sorry, Britt. You are nuts, and I knew it from Day One. #itoldyouso

The next day, some hip/bizarre/fashion-y looking designers bust into the mansion to transform Jade into a princess for her Cinderella-themed date to a Royal Ball with Prince Farming. The other girls watch in blatant jealousy, and Ashley I. has some form of a psychotic break, claiming that she IS a Disney Princess and deserves this date more than else in the whole wide universe. Sorry Ash, but I don't remember Princess Jasmine wearing drag queen eyelashes.

Prince Farming nervously practices his ballroom dances as he waits for his surprise date, and seems genuinely happy to find out that it is Jade. They are adorable together, and by the end of dinner, it is clear that they have a real connection. He gives her the Date Rose, and she very sweetly hugs him. They then head into the next room of the castle and dance to a live orchestra, playing a theme I can only assume is from the upcoming live action motion picture, "Disney's Cinderella." Because this entire date was ONE BIG COMMERCIAL. Ugh, I feel so dirty and consumer-istic. #alreadyboughtmytickets

The clock strikes midnight, and Jade runs away from Prince Farming. Though she doesn't dare leave behind a slipper, as her shoes are Louboutins and that would just be insane. Everyone knows you choose those shoes over any man.

Back at the ranch, Ashley I. is continuing her descent into madness, and insists on wearing the glittery evening gown she had packed to wear on the "princess date" she was destined to go on. One of the best shots of the night is her sitting on the couch with a glass of champagne, chomping down on an ear of corn. I mean, I don't know about you, but my favorite part of "Beauty and the Beast" is when Belle gets drunk and mows down on some crops.

The next day, the second Group Date Card arrives, and Nikki, Jillian, Becca, Carly, Whitney, and Britt squeal in delight as they open the large boxes that have arrived for each of them. These boxes contain wedding dresses for each, which I'm assuming magically forces all of them to put a deposit down on their dream wedding venue of choice, sure they will be engaged by nightfall. They don their duds, hop on a private jet and meet Chris in San Francisco, where they roll up to...a mud pit/obstacle course/death trap. As it turns out, they will be running for MuckFest MS, which is a 5K obstacle course that raises money and awareness for multiple sclerosis, and looks like a boatload of fun. It is filled with mud and water and dirt and all other things most of these ladies hate. But when there's a one on one date with Chris on the line, they're in it to win it, so they give it their best.

For like a minute. It is instantly obvious that Jillian the Frat Boy is going to win, so the girls pretty much lay off, and Becca uses her time wisely by chatting with Chris as they stroll the course. Jillian crosses the finish line miles ahead of everyone else, and the rest of the girls are forced to go home empty-handed.

Note: I HATE the competition element of these group dates. If the whole point of this show is to create a lasting relationship, why would you choose who to spend time with based on who can shovel manure or finish a muddy obstacle course the fastest? He doesn't actually get time with the girls who don't win, so why make them come out in the first place? Get it together, ABC.

That evening, Chris and Jillian have what should be a lovely, romantic dinner on (where else?) a rooftop, but when he asks where she sees herself in five years, she doesn't have an answer for him. Although she has an answer for everything else, as she proceeds to talk and gab and babble at him for what seems like hours, until he admittedly starts thinking about...unicorns. Maybe it's time to lay off the "vitamins," Jillian.

She seals her own fate by starting an intensely awkward game of "Would You Rather," and he declines to give her the Date Rose. She immediately picks him up and throws him off the rooftop, eats the rose, and declares herself the next Bachelorette. Nah, I just made that up, but wouldn't that be more fun than watching her cry? RIP, Black Box.

With Jillian gone, and Kaitlyn's and Jade's futures secure, it's Rose Ceremony time at the compound! Megan spends her one on one time with Chris blindfolding him and drunkenly feeding him fruit dipped in chocolate and demanding that he identify what he is eating. My favorite quote of the night: "Let's see if you know your five senses, but you can only use three of them." I guess that motorcycle helmet didn't do much to protect her brain when she banged it on the wall a few weeks ago.

Ashley I. feels like the attention may be slipping away from her, so she decides to, yet again, tell Chris that she is a (guess? guess what she is??) VIRGIN, because she's not sure he understood her the first time. She assures him that "it's not anything I'm, like, super serious about, I'm just, like, waiting for the right person." Sooo.....huh. Chris is actually impressed by this and it makes him respect her MORE, which confuses her and sends her into a tizzy. Ashley I. assumes that because he didn't kiss her after this major confession, he must be terribly turned off by her, and spends the rest of the evening crying to anyone who will listen. Until Becca drops the bomb that she is, also, A VIRGIN. I dare say, I don't think those two are the same kind of virgins.

The last major event of the night occurs when Britt corners Chris and asks him, in short, why he is making other girls feel special. This farmer isn't all sunshine and roses, and he becomes visibly annoyed with her, prompting him to make a speech to the gals that anyone who is NOT there with the "right intentions" should leave now. Ooh, could we have a new catch phrase??? We end up saying goodbye to Nikki (who?), Crazy Pants Ashley S., and the lovely Juelia, who leaves on an incredibly positive note after Chris spends an extra minute with her to tell her how wonderful she is. I knew I liked this guy.

At this moment, I am rooting for Whitney, Jade and Becca. Next week, one of my favorite cities, Santa Fe! Okay, I gotta go drink some wine now. Happy Snow Day everyone!!!

Photo Credit: David Moir | ABC

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