Review: Dita Von Teese Stars In DIAMONDS AND DUST, Emerald Theatre

Burlesque royalty has come to London in the form of Dita Von Teese and her new show Diamonds and Dust.

Conceived and directed by herself and Tosca Rivola and fronted by Steps’ Faye Tozer, there’s a plot of sorts rooted in the 19th century Wild West. As the hard bitten Kitty Le Roy, Tozer paces around her saloon The Mint, telling of how she made her way to the top while working her way through different states, five husbands and more outfits than a Eurovision host. 

Set in the new Emerald Theatre (previously the site of Proud Embankment), the thin story is loosely based around real happenings but reality is not the main focus here. Instead, Teese is here to sell a fantasy version of one of the US’ most enduring historical episodes. She appears sparsely throughout the show in the character of Lady Luck, turning up at the end of each half and fleetingly at the beginning of the second (her appearances in London will be even sparser as she has committed to only five shows per month through the run).

The show stutters along for the most part, too heavy on the storytelling, too light on the burlesque and let down by too many so-so dance numbers. This all turns out to be foreplay heralding the grand reveals of the First Lady of burlesque. Her first outing is a standout spectacle, a ten-minute sizzler of a performance that shows off the best (and worst) of her.

Aided by four backing dancers, she leisurely struts around the stage in her bespoke Christian Louboutins, pulling off jewel-encrusted gloves with her teeth while knowing full well all eyes are on her. It feels something of an age before she strips behind some giant fans and makes her final reveal. She still has stage presence in enough buckets to bail out the Thames but what used to be slow and sensual is now just slow.

The second number makes more impact - but only just. After climbing atop a surreal hybrid of a pink Chesterfield sofa and a mechanical bull, she reclines back as it casually revolves under her. This is the closest we get to seeing her in one of her famed martini glasses and she works the prop well. With every spin, she casts off more of her Jenny Packham-designed clothing and stares deep into the audience. Even if it underlines how much less mobile she is now compared to her more dynamic days when she used to dance en pointe, it’s a handy reminder of how she has grabbed headlines and an international coterie of fans over her three-decade career.

Von Teese is the real draw here in a schizophrenic show that can’t decide what it wants to be. In a thick Southern accent that is more RADA than Montana, Tozer rolls out enough exposition here to sink the Titanic all over again but - as many unfortunate Wild West miners found out - there’s precious little gold in the cliché-ridden script. There are plenty of musical dance numbers but the choreography (by Matt Nicholson, Von Teese and Rivola) is highly inconsistent: an exciting opening gun fight scene is the highlight but there are too many examples of well-meaning filler sequences saved by jaw-dropping costumes.

So is this musical theatre or more along the lines of a variety show or burlesque? There are far ecdysiast for this to be the latter while cabarets like Sabrage have a wider range of acts. What variety action there is here provides the high points of the evening and more would have been welcome. A cyr wheel number fizzes along and a boylesque performance sees the dancer fly out over the audience holding onto a chandelier. Most impressive is a scintillating duo straps routine that turns into the most sensuous scene of the night.

There’s a general sense that the night has been designed by a committee rather than a single voice. Elegance is in abundance but the sense of a unifying vision far less so. An art form that has come into its own in recent decades, burlesque hasn’t had a major presence in the West End since the days of Miss Polly Rae and the Hurly Burly Girls in 2012 so — even with its marquee star — Diamonds and Dust feels like a missed opportunity, possibly here to just whet the appetite ahead of another incoming show.

Diamonds and Dust continues at Emerald Theatre until September 28.

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