REVIEW: Touring 'Altar Boyz' Are Heaven Sent

There are a few reasons to approach Altar Boyz, a new musical whose National Tour opened this week at Baltimore's Hippodrome Theatre, with cynicism.  First of all, it parodies boy bands, a musical phenomenon whose ship his long since sailed.  Then there's the content - the titular "Boyz" are a Christian rock band, which, if you are up late at night, you know is a big seller on the Time-Life music scene.  Christian themes, boy bands and theater mixed together in parody?  It will either be a miserably uncomfortable night, as conservatives put their noses in the air, or it will be eye-rollingly cute, schmaltzy, and about 15 minutes of the one-joke content of the show will get dreadfully old.  So which is it?  Neither!  It is a charming, hugely funny evening that manages to bring back fond memories of the boy band era, and an irreverent, but respectful nudge to the secular set to LIGHTEN UP.

The entire production is praise-worthy, so where to begin?  Well, when you walk into the theatre, the stage is set like the rock concert that the show really is.  Smoke, musicians milling about, and that incessant backbeat that all such shows seem to play from an unknown source.  Then, the voice of G.O.D. (laughably played by DJ and TV personailty Shadoe Stevens) lets us know that "The Altar Boyz are in the building."  Then, to build the anticipation (and the laughs), G.O.D. returns regularly to let us know that the Boyz will begin in "3 minutes", "2 minutes", etc.  This is a rock concert with tongue firmly in cheek.

The, um, communion wafer-thin book, by Kevin Del Aguila, gives us just enough "theatre" to make us care about who we are seeing, and why this "band" is so popular.  The story - the Altar Boyz are winding up their world tour and saving souls in the process - wisely takes a backseat to the real fun, which is the amazingly dead-on "set list" of the boy band era.  In just twelve numbers, we get it all - the name of the group hit ("We Are the Altar Boyz"), the dance hits ("Rhythm in Me"), the power ballads ("The Calling"), and even a Ricky Martin send-up ("La Vida Eternal"), and even the embarrassing attempt at hip-hop by these decidedly un-fly boyz.  Each one is both a tribute and razor-sharp, um, crucifixion, of the genre.  The lyrics are uniformly clever, self-aware, and funny.  In one number, a ballad about abstinence, Matthew, group leader and hottie (of course) croons that Jesus called him on his cell phone and told him to wait, but later, tells an unsuspecting audience member that she makes his "Levis tight."  Even the patter between numbers is a hoot - a cute girl is "Marymagdalicious" - and the "story of how the Boyz got together" is also cleverly told from each point of view.  But just when you think they can go no further, the final scene comes, an absolutely hysterical show-stopper called "Number 918."  It seems that not every soul in the house has been saved by what was supposed to be at the end of the concert, so the Boyz, VERY SERIOUSLY bring out the big guns - a song sung to them as little boyz by a nun, which they harmonize to the hilt, all the while performing an exorcisim, religious idols in hand.  In the end, after a surprisingly touching, um, confession, the Altar Boyz leave you smiling, but with a nice message - love everyone.  Everyone.  Would that actual religious events espoused such a simple, lovely idea.

There really are 6 stars here on the "Raise the Praise" tour - the five cast members and the choreographer, Christopher Gatelli.  He has done amazing work here - a meticulously developed set of moves that parodies and pays tribute to the boy band era mixed with devilishly fun religious moves, getting the same point across that Madonna apparently is trying in her world tour, but without the Vatican intervention.  The five Boyz (there are almost always 5 boys in a boy band) are Matthew (the Justin Timberlake), Mark (the Lance Bass), Luke (the clueless yo boy), Juan (the Ricky Martin/attempt at diversity in this white world of music), and Abraham (the smart one - who also happens to be Jewish).  What makes this show really work is that all five of the actors really know what they are sending up, and do so with such earnestness that it is both believable and funny (like Saturday Night Live used to be).  Matthew Buckner plays Matthew with the authority of an unnamed group leader, and oozes the very sexuality Mr. Timberlake is currently "bringing back."  His oblivion to the charms and come-ons of Mark is a scream.  Mark, played with way over-the-top swishy-ness by Ryan J. Ratliff, is a charmer, and has the benefit of Lance Bass's recently in the news "coming out" to give his performance even more timeliness.  Deeply in the closet, but obvious to everyone, a la Bass, Mark charms all the screaming girls (soon to become fruit-flies) and titillates all the guys who secretly own the entire boy band CDs collection.  Jesse JP Johnson, as the hip-hop thug wannabe Luke, takes playing dumb to new and winning heights and Jay Garcia, as Juan, manages the near impossible - to make a disturbingly one-dimensional stereotype work and not offend.  He is also terrific in the "La Vida Eternal" number.  Finally, and most winningly, in my mind at least, is Nick Blaemire as Abraham, the lone Jew in the band, who spews Snoop Doggy-isms, and intelligent ideology with equally convincing gusto.  He even plays the final moments, which I won't give away here, with such sincerity that you never even think to roll your eyes at the schmaltzy ending.  All five are terrific singers and dancers - so good together that one wishes they might actually form a group!

Like the "Rent Heads" before them, this show has a devoted legion of fans known as the "Altarholics", which includes a veritable who's who of theatre, television and film stars, and thousands of everyday converts like me.  Count me in!  No matter your religious leanings or musical tastes, Altar Boyz is a great show and great fun.  You will leave energized and elevated - kinda like church is supposed to do, right?  It would be a, um, sin to miss it.

And you don't have to put much in the collection plate to see Altar Boyz before it leaves Charm City, either!  Go to Ticketmaster.com, call 410-547-SEAT, or go directly to the Hippodrome Box Office and give the password "VOTE" and get 50% off tickets at all price levels!  Restrictions and handling fees apply.  This offer is valid for all performances, EXCEPT Saturday Evening. November 11, and is not applicable to previously purchased tickets or with other offers.  Subject to availability.

PHOTOS: By Carol Rosegg (2006).TOP: (L to R) , Jay Garcia, Matthew Buckner, Ryan J. Ratliff and Jesse JP Johnson. BOTTOM: (L to R) Matthew Buckner, Ryan J. Ratliff, Jesse JP Johnson, Jay Garcia and Nick  Blaemire.Nick Blaemire

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