Quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, June 16 – June 19

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.16.14

We're still getting used to the humidity here in Florida. I don't wanna say it's playing tricks on my hair, but when I got to work people were like, "Hey, what's up, Questlove?"

But there are some great deals for shoppers here at Universal. Today at NBA City, I was able to get a Miami Heat "World Champs" shirt for, like, two bucks. It's a great deal. (They're giving them away.)

That's the big story. Last night, the San Antonio Spurs beat the Miami Heat to win the NBA Championship. You could tell the Heat players didn't have their heads in the game - especially when five of them left to catch the season finale of "Game of Thrones."

LeBron James had 31 points, 10 rebounds and five assists in the Heat's loss to the Spurs. While his teammates had...uh...lot of fun out there? They had a good time out there.

And did you see this? A soccer stadium in Germany has invited World Cup fans to bring their sofas onto the field so that they can be comfortable while watching the games up on the big screen. While the stadiums in Brazil invited fans to bring their sofas, cuz there still aren't any chairs. They're still building those stadiums.

Here's some political news. President Obama just had his annual physical, which showed that he's suffering some pain in his right foot. When asked why he doesn't get it treated, Obama said, (OBAMA, BITTER) "It's not covered by Obamacare."

I saw that Alex Trebek has broken a world record for game show hosts, after hosting 6,829 shows in his career. Yeah, he hosted 6,829 shows - or as Ryan Seacrest calls that, "the weekend."

When asked how he's made it through so many shows, Trebek was like, "What is scotch." Scotch whiskey.

I don't know what to make of this. But I just heard that Japan is actually opening a new nursing home for older dogs. They can relax, get groomed, and play the world's most confusing game of Bingo. "Bingo!" "Yes?" (That's my name-o.)

Yeah, kids can tell when adults are lying to them. You know, like when parents tell them that their dog just went (AIR QUOTES) "to a nursing home in Japan."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.17.14

We're having such a good time. I walked around today and saw all my favorite theme park characters: Optimus Prime, Scooby Doo, Spider-Man, the sweaty dad in jorts, the kid having a Meltdown because he dropped his ice cream, the sullen teen, all your favorites. (SARA VOICE) "I wanna go back to the pool! What is this place?!"

The resort is actually broken into three parts. Islands of Adventure, Universal Studios, and City Walk. Basically it's roller coasters, movies, and Mommy & Daddy need a drink when it's over. You go ride the roller coaster -- daddy needs a mai tai.

Oh, this is so exciting. I have to say congrats to the U.S. soccer team, for beating Ghana in the opening round of the World Cup! Yeah, they did the impossible. Getting Americans to watch soccer.

Let's see what else is going on. In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said that The Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, (SOUTHERN) "Oh come on y'all - little old me??" ("My word.")

Last night was another episode of the Bachelorette, America's favorite show. And this time, Andi and the guys went on a group date to a mime school in France. Marking the first time a group of MIMES were like, "Damn, these people are annoying."

I think this actually sounds like a good idea. Google just introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so that they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: Getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on.

I read about a woman in Massachusetts who recently had twin boys who were actually born 24 days apart. Which got weird when the second baby was born and his brother was like, (ANNOYED) "Ugh. YOU again."

Then the second twin said, "Man - guess I should download that app that wakes me up when it's my stop!" (DIVE THROUGH)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.18.14

It's Day 3 for us here at the Universal Orlando Resort! I'm starting to really feel comfortable here. In fact today, park security only had to help me find my parents ONCE. (OVER INTERCOM) "James and Gloria Fallon, could you please retrieve your lost child from the booth next to The Hulk Roller Coaster. He's the one who's crying...and drunk."

That's right, it's our third day here at Universal! I don't wanna say I've gone on the rides too much, but today, E.T. was like, (E.T.) "Jimmy - go home."

And I saw that Al Roker was here with the "Today" show this morning to take a look at the new Harry Potter attraction Diagon Alley. Which begs the question, "How far do I need to travel to get away from that guy?"

Yeah, the "Today" show was here at Universal. Kathie Lee and Hoda would've also come, but you need to be THIS sober to ride the roller coasters.

Did you see this? During a town hall last night, Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond, cuz they were too busy swimming in a pool of money. "Here, towel yourself off with these hundies."

Check this out. It's rumored that a new video game is in the works inspired by Kim Kardashian's life. It's a weird game - you just sit around and let the gold coins find YOU.

Oh this is good news here. Scientists in North Carolina say they are developing a new peanut that is safe for people with peanut allergies. It's pretty simple - all you have to do is never mix up your safe peanut with your identical-looking deadly peanut. "I know it seems risky but I gotta get that peanut." (EAT PEANUT) "EpiPen! EpiPen!"

This wasn't too surprising, but they just did a new survey that found that 27 percent of airline passengers don't like making small talk with the person sitting next to them. While the other 73 percent of airline passengers can't take a hint. ("I see you got your headphones are on. Do you mind if I sit on your lap? I get scared when I fly.)

And finally, this is crazy. A couple in New York found a three-foot python inside a couch while they were cleaning out their new apartment. But on the bright side - at least now they can stop looking for their cat.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.19.14

After an exciting week, this is our last show here at Universal Orlando Resort. And I just have to say that everyone here in Orlando has been so nice to us, so accommodating, enthusiastic and friendly. So as a New Yorker, I just wanted to take a moment to say, "What's the catch?" You trying to sell me something? Is this a pyramid scheme? ("I'm not trying to sell you anything, I'm trying to GIVE you an opportunity. Ever think of a timeshare? Just sign your name and we'll give you that free doughnut we talked about.")

And I gotta say, one of the craziest things about Universal is that they let you DRINK in the park. Although you gotta be careful. There was one point when I asked for help getting off the roller coaster and they said, "Sir, you're just sitting on a bench." (DRUNK) "I wanna go one more time!"

Actually the roller coasters here are amazing. You got the Rip Ride Rocket, The Hulk, The Dragon Challenge. But tomorrow we have to ride scariest ride of the week: the flight home on JetBlue. "The TV's aren't working! Guy in 3F, your seat automatically goes back, so just enjoy the nap."

Some fun TV news. I heard that Queen Elizabeth is planning to visit the set of "Game of Thrones" next week. She said things are hard to keep track of, cuz everyone keeps dying - and then Prince Charles said, (BITTER) "Not EVERYONE." (CLEAR THROAT) (YELL) "Good morning! Good morning mom!"

Get this. Domino's has a new voice-activated iPhone app, similar to Siri, that will help customers order pizza. Yeah, you just speak your order into the phone. Or as that's called now, "ordering a pizza."

You guys are on Facebook right? Well, there's a new study out that says Facebook users can be affected by the mood of their friends. For example, if your friend is depressed on Facebook, you'll be depressed. And if they're really happy on Facebook, you'll be even MORE depressed. ("SHE'S getting married? She's so ugly! Ew!")

Here's a little controversy from Colorado. Marijuana activists have filed a lawsuit against Colorado's governor to protest paying taxes on the weed they buy. And by "filed a lawsuit," I mean they wrote (STONER) "Not cool, bro" on a placemat at IHOP.

And finally, the American Medical Association has just come out and said that cheerleading should be classified as a sport because of the skill and training that goes into it. Then LeBron's teammates said, "See? We ARE athletes!!"