Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
Below, check out highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S 'Weekend Update' with Colin Jost and Michael Che:
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "Well, the good news for President Trump is that his tax plan just passed the Senate. The bad news is he might not be president long enough to sign it."
JOST - "Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn plead guilty to charges that he lied to the FBI during their investigation of Trump's ties to Russia. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Did Hillary Clinton secretly join ISIS?' These days, I have to say it's just refreshing to see a powerful man plead guilty for something that isn't sexual harassment. When I heard Flynn was in trouble, I was like, 'Wait, he only lied to the FBI? He didn't also whip it out during a meeting? Solid guy!'"
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "President Trump knew we had a show tonight, so he was kind enough to go on Twitter and do half of our job for us. He said, 'I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI.' Ah, thanks, man - I got it from here. So you knew Flynn lied and then asked Comey to stop his investigation? That's obstruction! Who's your lawyer? Oh right, the oatmeal guy. You know, what's the crazy thing is that as bad as this looks, this is still Donald Trump we're talking about. And I've heard people say, 'Oh, there's no way Trump walks from this one!' at least 38 times already. But this slippery bastard is still the president somehow. I mean, what else does the FBI need? They have like a 95 percent conviction rate, a high ranking snitch and a confession on Twitter. So if this time next year, Donald Trump isn't in prison corn-rolling some brother named Lunchmeat's hair, then damnit, I want the 'oatmeal guy' as my lawyer too."
JOST - "After news of Flynn's plea broke, former FBI Director James Comey tweeted a Biblical verse saying, 'But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.' It's a powerful reminder that no matter what you think about James Comey, we can all agree that he's a humongous dork. Also, his use of the phrase 'ever-flowing stream' makes me think he has seen that Russian pee tape."
JOST - "The Senate also voted to pass a $1.5 trillion tax reform bill early this morning that experts say would add $1 trillion to the national debt. Wow, I knew Trump was going to run the country like a business. I just didn't know he was going to run it like one of his businesses. Experts also say the plan will give huge tax cuts to households making over $1 million a year. Of course, all that money will eventually trickle down - first from rich parents to their kids, and then from those kids to their molly dealers at Coachella."
CHE - "You know, once the Republicans get this tax bill passed, they won't need Donald Trump anymore. They got what they wanted. I mean, it's not like they like you. Don't you think it's a little odd that they passed this bill at 2 a.m. without reading it - the same night they found out Flynn was snitching on you? They know something. It's like your family showing up to your hospital room saying, 'Look, we need you to sign this will tonight!' Can I read it first? 'No time!'"
JOST - "President Trump also hinted in a tweet this week that MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough should be investigated for an 'unsolved murder.' Can we just take a second to appreciate that that story barely even registered as news? At any other time in history, the headline 'President Openly Accuses Man of Murder' would probably make the front page. Now it's just part of the 'Wacky News Corner' right next to 'Local Squirrel Learns Karate' and 'North Korea Can Now Nuke All of U.S.'"
JOST - "YouTube has removed more than 150,000 videos dues to disturbing content involving children. But if you still want to watch disturbing content involving children, there's always the Alabama Senate race."
JOST - "Trump criticized Roy Moore's Democratic opponent Doug Jones as a Chuck Schumer puppet. But he's not a Chuck Schumer puppet. Statler from THE MUPPETS - that's a Chuck Schumer puppet."
CHE - "The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in more than 13 years. So if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that's just how he always looks."
JOST - "A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace - while one out of five couldn't respond because their boss's penis was blocking the keyboard."
JOST - "On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit. And so was Ann Curry."
CHE - "According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today Show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift, which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return THE SECRET SANTA gift I got for Colin."
JOST - "In a new interview, Jay-Z admitted that he cheated on Beyonce. Yeah man, we know."
JOST - "A historian in Virginia believes a Confederate statue of Robert E. Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extrememly rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. Starring Nicolas Cage."
CHE - "According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don't know - I've never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick."
JOST - "A special performance of the off-Broadway show 'Afterglow' is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It's the play critics are calling, 'Maybe Not Right Now?'"