BWW Recap: Patti Murin Guides Us through a Partner-Swapping BACHELOR IN PARADISE Premiere

Well, hello again! Didn't we just see each other? Oh yes, we were only afforded a mere six day break before the premiere of the latest installment of the "Bachelor" franchise: Season 2 of "Bachelor in Paradise"! And paradise we are in indeed, as this season opens up in Sayulita, Mexico, a vacation destination that I have been dying to go to for years now. Hopefully these fools don't contaminate every hot tub in town before I get there. Let's get started, cause this was a three-hour event, and these people switch partners more often than I did in college.

Lucky us! It looks as though Chris Harrison will be joining us this evening! No good golf courses nearby, Chris? Paulie, the stage manager/bodyguard who is now Bachelor-famous for kicking out the drunkies on Night One, hands Señor Harrison a coconut to drink out of, and we're off! We get a quick review of some of the crazies (said affectionately in most cases) that we will be meeting tonight, and the arrivals begin.

We kick off with Jade, aka "Playboy Jade." She was on Chris Soules's season, and he sent her packing as soon as she sat down and shared with him what she did in her spare time. And then showed it to him on a laptop. And watched his face intently as he watched her. IN A PORNO. Welcome, Jade!

Jared is next, and his head is barely on straight again after getting kicked off of Kaitlyn's season just a month ago. He greets Jade and they form an instant connection, which can also be called "First Man and Woman on The Beach So We Should Hold Hands Just In Case I Don't Find Anyone I Like Better." Tenley shows up next, fresh off of a broken heart of her own. She met fellow castoff Kiptyn on "Bachelor Pad," and they dated for 5 years. Immediately after breaking up, he started dating someone else and is now expecting a baby with her. So obviously the next step for her is Paradise! Carly the Cruise Ship Singer (Chris's season) joins the crowd, bearing eyebrows that actually look like they could be caterpillars, and Jared is the luckiest man in the world for about one minute, until...

Jonathan and Tanner join the party! Both also from Kaitlyn's season, these boys are ready to find a hookup or two or five true love here in this magical place called Paradise. The ensuing scene could be described best as a bunch of girls on the first day of eighth grade in the cafeteria, checking out who got cute over the summer, and who is recently single, and calling dibs on who gets who. We are 25-31 years old, people! Get it together! We are thrown for a bit of a loop when Mikey T. (who?) arrives, a huge meathead who is apparently from Desiree's season. Which is perfect, because...

Ashley I. isn't far behind! With her sister, Lauren, whom Ashley describes as, "the slut version of me." I'm taking it that Lauren is not a virgin, and she quickly confirms this by saying, "I'm pretty much the opposite of a virgin." In any case, Ashley I. has elected to bring her sister, yet is nervous about her being there, because guys always want her first. Dumb question, but... WHY DID YOU PACK HER IN YOUR SUITCASE?

Obviously it's weird when the sisters walk in together, but Jonathan is into it, and brags to Bachelor Nation that he's been with sisters before. Gross. Thankfully, Mikey decides that he wants him some Lauren, and he and his underboob sweat pull her aside for some private time. They swim, they flirt, she's not really into it. Why is she here again?

Adding a bit more class to the room, Juelia shows up next. Juelia was the much beloved widow and single mother from Chris's season, and all of the other girls are in full support of her finding her special someone. "As long as it's not the guy I'm into," is implied, of course. Next up, Kirk, Dan and Jillian. Kirk is from Ali's season, Jillian is from the Soules season, and Dan I swear I have never seen before. I guess he fought for Desiree's heart as well? Geez, talk about a boring crowd for Desiree. Jillian is once again toting her BLACK BOX along with her, plus a new set of friends: She got a boob job! I have to admit, she looks fantastic, and also the only one to show up in her bikini. Between Ashley I.'s side boob blur and Jillian's Black Box, when they hug each other, they basically just disappear.

Just as Jade declares, "Hopefully there are no douchebags," we cut to a crab scuttling along, and then JJ arrives in bright pink pants. Seriously, these editors need an Emmy. Shortly after JJ is Ashley S., affectionately referred to as "Onion Girl," stemming from her exploits with an onion/pomegranate in Chris's season. This time she becomes enamored with the birds upon arrival, but generally holds herself together. Kirk is impressed, explaining, "I expected inability to converse type girl." Oh, the irony.

Chris Harrison reappears and explains the all-important "House Rules." The men will be giving out the roses this week, and Ashley I. and her sister Lauren will count as ONE person. Meaning if you want Ashley, you have to keep Lauren too. Somehow I don't see this really happening, but then again, Jared is the most sought after guy in the room, so this can't actually be Earth anyway. The group is led down to the beach for a surprise, which turns out to be...

Marcus and Lacey's wedding! Oh, how joyous! Marcus and Lacey met during the first season of BIP, and instantly fell in love. Props to them for actually going through with it and getting married, but they really got the shaft as far as ABC weddings go. Chris Harrison officiating a small ceremony on the beach, with maybe 10 of their family members in attendance, and a bunch of strangers in the form of Mikey T. and Ashley I.'s sister. Also, damn you for tricking me into watching Marcus and Lacey's wedding. Marcus sweats from every single pore on his bright red face as one of the little puppies I'm fostering pees on the couch. I couldn't have said it better myself, young friend.

Party time! Every male in Paradise is in love with Jade, Jillian has somehow contracted a Black Bar for her nipples as well, and Lauren is crying and wants to go home. Oh honey, buck up. You could never make it in Bachelor-Land. Ashley sits next to her beloved Jared....and doesn't say a single word. She is very into him., but can't manage to make herself speak. And when she finally does, it's a comment about how she likes Jasmine better than Cinderella. Jared tells her that she looks like Jasmine, and she almost has a stroke as she tells him that she's wearing herJasmine bathing suit. Oh my goodness, it must be meant to be. Ashley I. is incredibly pleased with this exchange, so she is shocked a few moments later when Jared asks Jade to join him for a chat down by the water. And Ashley I. cries for the millionth time.

Meanwhile, Carly and Kirk have hit it off and are cute and flirty in the hammock, and we have our first kiss in Paradise.

The next day, the first Date Card comes, and it goes to...Ashley I.! Man, she is just stealing the spotlight this time around. She hems and haws over how to ask Jared, because she (very astutely) notices that he maybe doesn't seem so excited about potentially going on a date with her. After a lengthy coaching session from Lauren, she finally asks him, and he, being a gentleman, graciously accepts. Jade is bummed, but I REALLY don't think she has to worry with this one.

Jared and Ashley have a blast off-roading in the jungle, and they end up on a beautiful beach where they get time to talk. She asks about Kaitlyn, and he responds by saying that he doesn't know what he wants right now, but he's glad he got to spend time with her. Translation: If you were Jade I would totally have my tongue down your throat. Ashley is thrilled to pieces though, which means no more crying for the moment.

Back at the homestead, Ashley S. is still bonding with the parakeets, but also Dan! He joins her for a little bird time as JJ brings Jade the second Date Card. She really wants to ask Jared, but she's afraid it will look strange because he just came home from his date with Ashley I. So she settles for her second choice, which is Tanner. They head off to a romantic dinner in Puerto Vallarta, where he wastes no time in bringing up the whole Playboy situation. He is in full support of her (yeah, because duh) and doesn't judge her at all for what she did. Seems like Tanner knows the quickest way to a woman's boobies. Jade kisses him, and they go for a dip in a nearby river before heading back home...

....where Ashley S. is mysteriously being TAKEN AWAY in an ambulance! Dan is so concerned that he hops in with her, sans shirt, further committing himself to a possible life of talking to cats and vacationing in Mesa Verde. Inside, Ashley I and Jared have another stimulating conversation, this time about fast food chicken nuggets. Way to nail him down, Ash. Outside, a hurricane is brewing: Hurricane Clare. And actually a real hurricane. But Clare arrives before the rain hits, teetering in her stilettos, with her eyes on Kirk, Tanner and Jared. The only three guys who are taken so far. The first half of the premiere event concludes with a montage of sand crabs scuttling around every single person, in every single part of the house and resort. So, bottom line: Everyone in Paradise has crabs.

We enter the third hour of BIP with Clare sitting down all of the ladies to see what the status of the house is. Each girl wastes no time in "claiming" her respective guy, and Clare realizes that her only options are Mikey T. and JJ. But being Clare, she is determined to find some freaking love in Paradise, and with the help of a friendly talking crab in her bedroom (sorry, Raccoon), she commits to being open to anything. The next morning, she notes that everyone seems to be in "relay-shees" but her, and that she normally doesn't go for "beefhearts" like Mikey T. But he corners her and essentially asks himself out on her date, and after a long awkward silence, Clare smiles and says YES!

They head to the Punta de Mita Resort, where Clare is hoping to zipline, or bungee jump, or talk to the animals, but alas, this is not their fate. It's tantric yoga time! "Ooh," squeals Clare, "I hope I don't have to rub privees with Mikey on our first date." Seriously, what language does she speak? They turn out to be pretty terrible at tantric yoga, with Mikey T. sweating all over Clare. He tells the camera that his favorite position was "Downward Clare," which causes the nation to collectively gag and reach for a bottle of vodka. The only thing worse than that is the terrible beef heart laugh that comes out of him after each sentence. He tries to move in on Clare and get a kiss, but she insists that she wants to get to know people better first and she's not just here to hook up. And by "people" she means, "anyone but you." He, of course, completely misinterprets her, and comes away from the date a happy little clam.

And now, the Final Date Card of the week! That goes to Ashley S., and she immediately elects to take Dan. They go out to a romantic dinner, where they dance and kiss and talk and fall in weird Onion/Who the Hell are You love. Oh, also, the ambulance that took them to the hospital tonight was completely glossed over with a passing, "I hadn't been feeling well all day." Lame, BIP. LAME.

Back at the house, Tenley is bummed out because she doesn't have a guaranteed rose, so she meets up with Jared on the beach for a nice talk. When Ashley I. finds this out, she- shocking! -cries to her sister and asks for help. She ALSO makes one of the worst comments yet as she opines, "I hate it when they're with the old ladies." Meaning Tenley, at the ripe old age of 31, doesn't deserve love because she is OLD. If that's old, I deserve a Smuckers birthday shout out from Willard Scott.

Eventually Ashley I. gets up the courage (6 lemon drop shots later) to "steal" Jared from Tenley, and does so in an abominable fashion. But during their alone time, Jared is very clear with her about wanting to get to know everyone there, and not wanting to limit himself right away. Ashley I. (I can't handle this) cries again to her sister, who comforts her with a sensible, "You're just awkward with guys." Thanks, sis!

The next night is our very first BIP Rose Ceremony. JJ thinks the women should kiss his feet since he has the power this week, Jillian is confident that she will get his rose since he kissed her the night before and HE PROMISED, and Tenley wants to stay so bad that she actually lets JJ kiss her. And in a shocking, out of left field twist, Jared tells Clare that he will definitely give her a rose if her name isn't called by the time it is his turn. Paradise is DEFINITELY an alternate universe.

Rose Ceremony time! Tanner chooses Jade, Kirk picks Carly, Dan gives his rose to Ashley S., and Jonathan and Juelia couple up. Next up is Mikey T., and because he doesn't have a clue, he asks Clare to accept his rose, which means that Jared is forced to ask Ashley I. (and Lauren) to stay in Paradise. Last up is JJ, who has to choose between Jillian and Tenley. And the winner (loser?) is...Tenley! Jillian and her Black Bar head home, and this adventure has officially kicked off.

In the coming weeks, we can look forward to lots of couplings and uncouplings in Paradise. But hopefully at least one couple will have the same fate as Marcus and Lacey, and will get a wedding of their own on a random beach in Mexico in front of people they don't know wearing bright yellow bathing suits. Goodnight, all! #loveforeveryone #adoptthispuppy

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Photo Credit: Rick Rowell | ABC