Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 4 - January 8?.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.4.16 I want to start off by wishing everybody a Happy New Year, and thank you for being here! I know a lot of you are a little sore today after going to the gym for the first time since last January.
And as we start off the new year, the election is on everyone's minds. And get this, according to a new poll, Donald Trump was the candidate Americans would least want to have as their neighbor. It makes sense, because he'd build a MASSIVE WALL between your yards and make YOU pay for it.
Actually, On "Face the Nation" yesterday, Donald Trump accused Ted Cruz of copying his immigration reform plan, specifically his idea of building a giant wall. Then China said, "Uh, hello?"
And listen to this. A new poll found that women in America are angrier about current events than men. And if you want to make them even angrier, just tell them they seem angry. (DORKY HUSBAND) "Hey, you seem mad hon'! What's up?"
The same poll found that white Americans are angrier about current events than African Americans and Latinos. African Americans and Latinos would be more upset, but they're having too much fun watching white people get angry.
And this is pretty cool. I heard that a man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk. (DRUNK BRITISH) "Tooka Uber ta work this mornin', cuz I can!"
Hey parents you might want to listen to this. I just read about a new survey that found that teens in the U.S. are less rebellious than they used to be. Mainly, cuz it's hard to be a badass when your name is Caleb.
I saw that Koko, the 44-year-old gorilla that knows sign language, was recorded giving a New Year's message where she said that humans are stupid and need to protect the Earth. Then Koko's sister was like, "This is why you're 44 and still single on New Year's Eve. You can't go around being such a downer."
And finally, I heard that China just installed new public bathrooms in Beijing actually offer Wi-Fi. Yeah, a Wi-Fi-enabled bathroom. Or as we call that here in America, "Starbucks."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.5.16
Let's check in on the election here. In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that she would investigate UFOs if she becomes president, and even said that aliens may have already visited Earth. Not to be outdone, Bill actually volunteered to be probed. (BILL) "I'm down with whatever! What happens on Earth stays on Earth."
Yeah, Hillary Clinton said that she would investigate UFOs, and said that aliens may have already visited Earth. When he heard that, Trump said, (TRUMP) "Forget the wall. We need a dome! Just build a huge dome. A huge classy beautiful dome! We'll make the aliens pay for the dome."
And check this out. In an NPR interview last week, Jeb Bush revealed the ingredients for his guacamole recipe, but wouldn't give away the specifics of how to prepare it. So now I guess we HAVE to elect Jeb Bush.
And people are still talking about this. Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning continues to face allegations that he once used human growth hormone, after a report stated that HGH was delivered to Manning's wife in 2011. Peyton released a statement saying, "I have never taken HGH." While his wife said, (DEEP VOICE) "Yeah, neither have I." I take their word for it. Till they're proven guilty!
Yeah, Visa and Dell are investing three million dollars in the Girl Scouts to help them sell cookies online. It's all part of their plan to totally cut out the middleman - you know, girl scouts. (GIRL SCOUT) "Now I'll NEVER get my sales badge!"
A little more controversy here. Some people are upset about a billboard in Utah that advertises a dating site called "Where-White-People-Meet-dot-com." Even more controversial- it's now Utah's state motto.
And here's a local story. A street here in New York City once known as "Music Row" lost its last music shop when an accordion store moved away. When asked how an accordion store was able to stay open for so long, the owner said, "Because we were selling weed in the back."
And finally, some international news, here. China's new law allowing couples to have two children instead of just one went into effect in the New Year. So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry - it was just a billion people being told they were allowed to have unprotected sex at the exact same moment. (In bed!!)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.6.16
The first primaries are about a month away, and the candidates are really starting to go at it. In fact, at a rally in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders mocked Donald Trump for thinking that climate change is "a hoax created by the Chinese." Though at this point, most people are starting to feel like TRUMP is a hoax created by the Chinese. You're not real!
And the other big news is actually kind of scary. North Korea announced yesterday that it had successfully carried out its first hydrogen bomb test. Either that or they just got their first Chipotle. (Hard to tell.)
Of course we're a week into the New Year and a lot of us have New Years resolutions. Even Mark Zuckerberg posted on Facebook that one of his New Year's resolutions is to run 365 miles in 2016. That's right, he just had a baby and he's getting into running. So if there was ever a time to unfriend Zuckerberg on Facebook, it's now. "Just ran a 5K and dedicated it to my baby girl!"
Oh this was pretty exciting. Gem experts in Sri Lanka said they've discovered the largest blue star sapphire ever found, and it's worth over 100 million dollars. Unfortunately, last night some old bat threw it off the back of a boat. (OLD) "He drew me like one of his French girls!"
And finally, this is pretty cool. Several companies are working together to replace thousands of pay phones here in New York City with free Wi-Fi hot spots. Officials say that New Yorkers need a more modern, more technologically advanced thing to pee on when they're drunk.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.7.16
In an interview on "Morning Joe" yesterday, Donald Trump said that he thinks the media is starting to like him. Then the media said, "Like you? Have you seen our ratings? We LOVE you!" ("We hope you run FOREVER!")
That's right, Donald Trump said that he thinks the media is starting to like him. Then cable news said, "Yeah, but we also like natural disasters ("Hurricane Caleb is coming in this week...so get ready!)
Meanwhile, Donald Trump's wife Melania gave an interview and said she remembers her first date with Donald like it was two months ago. Then it got awkward when she was like, "But the marks on my wall clearly show that it's been 17 years, two months and six days."
Of course we're now just a few days away from President Obama's final
STATE OF THE UNION Address. Which means Joe Biden only has a few days left to decide what weird thing he's gonna do in the background. (BIDEN) "Already did finger guns. Already made a face. I'm thinking something with balloon animals?"
Oh this isn't good, yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called in to a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police.
And finally a little news for parents here. A report from a British public health group said that on average, five-year-olds consume their own weight in sugar over the course of a year. Which explains why their moms consume TEN TIMES their own weight in wine. (DRUNK MOM) "That's enough Pixie Sticks for today, Caleb."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.8.16
Of course, it's this power ball drawing tomorrow night. And it's huge, it's now up 800 million. The pot's gotten so big even one guy was like (TRUMP) "You know what. I gotta buy a lottery ticket. I gotta do it, it's a good business move."ery ticket. I gotta do it, it's a good business move."
And did you see this? At a rally last night in Vermont, Donald Trump refused to let anyone in that wasn't a Trump supporter, but several protesters got in anyway. So keep that in mind the next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in.
And I thought this was interesting. An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. "Aww, you ruined it!"
And this was a big story today. The president of Mexico announced that the notorious drug lord El Chapo has been caught. So good news everybody - Mexico is completely safe again!
Some tech news. At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this week, a company debuted a drone that can carry a person. People were like, "So... A helicopter? It's been done." "Oh this will take ya right up in the air!" And the company was like, "AH CRAP!" ("Jerry, why didn't we Google this?!")
