Review: NUTCRACKER NOIR, Protein Studios

Yes, it’s less than a month until Christmas so time to get stuck into a yuletide favourite – albeit with an immersive theatre/cabaret twist.

Fine dining meets ball culture in Secret Theatre’s Nutcracker Noir as we meet Clara (Anita Nicole), a dancer who has lost her mother and, while she tries to find her father, is working as a choreographer to restore Club Noir to its former glory. She falls for Frank (Jairus McClanahan), son of club owner George (David-Michael Johnson). Just before the young couple are about to have their first kiss, George suddenly realises something and pulls them apart. Whatever could he be about to tell them?

It doesn’t require a PhD in Soap Opera Studies to work out where writer/co-director Richard Crawford’s plot is going next. It’s enough to say that there’s little point dwelling on the  dramatic elements when there are far finer aspects to talk about. Set in the cavernous ballroom of the Protein Studios, a large cast in magnificent costuming bring to life a series of fantastically executed dance numbers in between five courses of classy food. 

The catering is care of immersive dining specialist Jenny McNeill at Feast & Fable whose creations have been seen at The Fat Duck and Gingerline’s latest venture The Grand Expedition. Her trademark playfulness is seen in having not just one but two connected starters: Club Classic is based around a sweet sliver of trout glazed in treacle and served with celeriac, herb and brussel remoulade and a slice of clementine while Contemporary Cooking sees the fish cured in brown sugar and nori before being served with a salad featuring tomato ponzu and griddled cucumber. The vegetarian equivalent sees the trout swapped out for flavoursome beetroot.

The dishes are tasty but lack the strong, authentic flavours and spicy heat that experienced palates might expect. A case in point is the smooth entree of Brick Lane Butter accompanied by a solid slab of earthy sourdough; the former apparently contains five spice but maybe that ingredient went on holiday to warmer climes. The main course of slow-braised beef checks is very edible, even if it isn’t very exciting (the spiced cauliflower steak served up to my companion appeared a more enticing option). The finale dish of baked basque cheesecake is elegant, if predictable.

Far less predictable is the set up as we slowly delve into this kooky world. After a brief taster in the foyer, we are shuffled from room to room to meet various characters. First off is Christopher Howell’s tall, blue elf Eldar who welcomes us in with a twinkle in his eye and a deeply knowing look. Can he tell whether we’ve been good boys and girls and everything in between this year? Probably. 

This Punchdrunk veteran knows what it takes to make any scene immersive enough to draw us deep into his brand of magic realism while not scaring off those who like things like personal space. He is criminally underused for most of the time but strikes an imposing figure whenever he is allowed on stage.

Once into the ballroom, the dancing begins. Choreographer and co-director Gary Lloyd delivers scintillating action throughout, every group sequence a brilliant melange of movement that wouldn’t look out of place in seminal ball culture documentary Paris Is Burning or pandemic-era must-see Pose. 

Claudia Bartlett’s costumes are a phenomenal sight, a diverse set of colourful catwalk-ready creations that pop and fizz. Throw in David Keetch’s compositions and arrangements of contemporary pop tunes — ranging from Adele’s stonker “Rolling In The Deep” to Chappell Roan’s song du jour “Pink Pony Club” — and there’s often a sensation of watching in a music video.

With its luxury production values, Nutcracker Noir is very easy on the eyes and ears and is a notch or two above live dance/dinner/cabaret shows like those held by London Cabaret Club or Lio London, not least due to its endearing cast of walkabout actors. High kicking critic Madame Zel (Jessica Alonso) is a real delight to talk to as is the cooler-than-a-barrel-of-griddled-cucumbers DJ Enzo (Safeena Lahda).

It heavily falls down, though, when it comes to engaging the grey matter and the heart. While Howell sets expectations high with his mesmeric manner and intriguing patter, the script from there on in is painful to hear. A barely plausible plot is rolled out via dialogue that is clunky as all hell. In short, emotional scenes lack emotional impact. 

Kick any tree around Soho or Clapham and a self-proclaimed dramaturg will fall out and offer to help. Given the high quality of literally every other aspect of this high-end production by DesignScene (high praise especially to the waiting staff), why wasn’t one employed here? 

Nutcracker Noir continues until 21 December.