BWW Recap: THE BACHELORETTE Goes Broadway & Murin's There to Mock it

Good day, Bachelorette lovers! This week's episode was full of drama, musical theatre and bromances gone wrong, much like most of my early 20s! Thank you for joining me yet again as we delve even deeper into Kaitlyn's search for everlasting love, or at least someone with nice lips.

The evening begins right where we left off last week (without a Rose Ceremony, damnit!), and Kaitlyn takes Clint outside to grill him about his intentions or lack of them or whether he loves round-faced former investment bankers more than her. After declaring that he and JJ "have grown very very very very close," and that they "have become best best best friends," Clint tries desperately to manipulate and sweet talk her into keeping him. After a tense moment where America is collectively afraid that our Bachelorette will turn a blind eye to clearly despicable behavior, Kaitlyn says firmly, "I'm done." YES, GIRL! Back to the pink Ken doll box with you, Clint-y face.

Kaitlyn marches Clint into the Man Gossip Circle and tells everyone to say their goodbyes. Our of nowhere, JJ pulls a whiplash move and demands an apology from Clint for wasting all of their time. JJ! Wants Clint to apologize! His Best Best Best Friend! Clint is obviously way more torn up about this than being sent home by the woman whose heart he is supposed to be winning, and responds by cursing JJ out in a bleep-fest that puts the Black Bar's screen time to shame. I'm not sure whether he's going to hit him or kiss him though, since they're standing about 3 inches apart. I mean, their chests are literally touching. Clint stalks off, and JJ cries. Yes, he cries. And then he slaps himself. I thought we'd seen it all on this show, but self-flagellation is a new one.

JJ returns inside to the dismay of the rest of the guys, and Kaitlyn interrupts what could potentially be another blowup. She declares herself not ready for a Rose Ceremony, so after getting her permission slip signed by Chris Harrison, it is official. No Rose Ceremony tonight! Or probably ever again! It's going to be a never-ending Group Date, all aired on ABC FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Chris Harrison literally hasn't been in the country for weeks.

Everyone, pack your bags! We are going to New York City!!! The requisite champagne toast ensues, and we are transported to the Far Cooler East Coast, where the shining lights of Times Square await.

After checking into their amazing suite at the Knickerbocker Hotel, the suitors initiate themselves into NYC life by yelling things off of a rooftop like the proper fraternity they are. The Date Card arrives, and it's a Group Date for Corey with an "e," Ryan B. who is the only Ryan left so we don't need an initial anymore, Tanner who I don't know, JJ the Douche, Shawn aka Ryan Gosling, Benzee, Jonathan the Hottie, and Justin who I don't know but needs more Vitamin C because he still has a black eye from two weeks ago. They are going to do one thing that Kaitlyn loves most in the world, and compete for her love using their words! And the words must rhyme! It's a RAP BATTLE, friends!

This seems to be a pretty terrible idea, but surprisingly, it turns out to be a completely terrible idea. Shawn is from NASHVILLE and doesn't believe in music that isn't sung by a white dude with a guitar, and JJ has listened to zero rap music in his life, instead preferring to listen to Broadway show tunes...religiously. Kaitlyn just about sums it up by saying, "I don't think there's ever been a rap battle with two guys in khaki pants." Super lame but kind of adorable rap battles follow, JJ manages to offend all of New York City in one shot, and nobody wins anything, meaning it was all a huge waste of time. After the show is when the REAL drama happens. Ashley I. from last season (remember her? Kim Kardashian eating corn in a princess dress?) happens to be there, and she is with the least surprising surprise guest of the season: Nick Viall from Andi Dorfman's season, he of the incredibly public "why did you make love with me" accusation. Kaitlyn is shocked to see him, and tells America that she and Nick had gotten in touch after she got kicked off of The Bachelor, and had spent a month texting before she was named the Bachelorette. He pulls her aside and asks if he can stay and fight for her heart. She is literally giddy about this, but knows that it will really upset the other guys who are there for her. But like, she's really excited that he's there!!!

To her credit, Kaitlyn is honest with the other guys on the date and tells them what is happening. The first of about 17 very awkward silences follows, as the guys are obviously pissed and disappointed that the girl they have spent the past 4 weeks getting to know is now bringing another option into the mix. Kaitlyn takes a brief intermission to run outside and kiss Nick (yes I said KISS NICK, hello, nice to meet you, this is my tongue in your throat) before coming back in and informing the guys that she needs the night to think about whether or not to let him stay. Justin, who I SWEAR I have never seen before, makes a lovely speech about how she has to do what she has to do, and gets rewarded with the Date Rose.

The next day, Kaitlyn arranges a meeting with Nick on a random street corner in the East Village. But first! She needs someone to talk to, so she goes to get her hair done by none other than The Bachelor's Favorite Crazy Gal Pal, Ashley S! Her advice is far superior to her hairstyling skills, as the curling iron doesn't seem to be turned on and Kaitlyn's hair ends up in a braid. Kaitlyn and Nick make out a bit on the street corner before she relents and lets him stay to duke it out for her love. Ugh, so predictable.

The One on One Date is that evening, and Jared/Ashton Kutcher is the winner! He cleans himself up a bit and actually looks like something closely related to handsome, and meets Kaitlyn at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where they have a very special after hours dinner planned. Kaitlyn is distracted though, and as Jared rambles on about who knows what, we hear Kaitlyn's inside voice as she admits to thinking solely about Nick. Until Jared pulls out the poem he wrote for her, that is. And then that little act of love convinces her to keep going on the path she's been heading down with these incredible men, and to journey on blah blah blah she gives him the Date Rose and they fly way too close to the Statue of Liberty in a helicopter.

Kaitlyn goes over to the guys' suite the next day to let them know that Nick will NOT be joining them on the Group Date that day, but he will be moving in with them that night. And right on the heels of this great news, it's Group Date time! Ian, Chris the Dentist, Joe, Joshua the Welder, and Ben H. follow Kaitlyn to the New Amsterdam Theatre, where the hit Broadway musical "Aladdin" is currently running. They walk in to find Adam Jacobs and Courtney Reed singing a duet from the show, and they can only guess what is coming next. Much like the "Lion King" on Broadway date in Ali's season, they shall be forced to audition to appear in the show that evening by singing and dancing.

These guys must REALLY like her, because they put it all out there. Just a bunch of very masculine frat boys learning a dance combination with jazz hands and chugs. They don't show nearly enough footage of the actual dancing, but they do show every single singing audition! It's charming and terrible, until Ian gets up there, all eager to show his singing talent, which, sadly, is nonexistent. So it's just more confidently terrible, which erases some of the charm. Chris the Dentist is last up, and he has clearly wanted to do this for a long time, because he has faces AND gestures to go with his song. He is ACTING. This bold move pays off, because Chris wins the CONTEST and everyone else has to go home.

A bit later, after an exhausting blocking rehearsal that involves standing upstage left, they put on their costumes and make their Broadway debuts (oh man I'm really suppressing the vomit now)! They do a brilliant job of not saying anything, not tripping over anything, not dropping anything, and smiling nice, and that's it. A sensible 30 seconds of stage time. I hope ABC donated a ton of money to BCEFA for that. After the show, they climb to the top of the building where the Times Square New Years Eve ball drops from (is there nothing ABC can't do?), and Kaitlyn gives Chris the rose, obviously ignoring the fact that maybe Chris likes musicals and costumes a little too much. Hey, welcome to the theatre world!

The show wraps up with Nick walking his little roll suitcase that couldn't possibly fit a single suit through Times Square. Yet again, there is not a Rose Ceremony and I'm beginning to think there is a global rose shortage. Next week, Nick moves in with the guys, they all fight, and Kaitlyn probably cries! My Lord, this season is exhausting. Until then, friends!

Photo Credit: Heidi Gutman | ABC

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