Student Blog: Live Audiences >>>

There’s something special about being on stage and getting laughs and applause from a live audience. Don’t get me wrong – film is also amazing, and can make someone very rich if they make it big. But, I was just recently reminded of why I love acting, and how much I missed it. 

 I am currently in my post-show depression phase after closing the biggest role I’ve had since my senior year of high school (over 2 years ago now). The process was chaotic, and the whole company was down to the wire. Like, literally. Yet, when I stepped on that stage for opening, it felt so good to be there again. To be clear, I’m in no way an attention - seeking actress who always needs to be in the spotlight. I don’t hate that, I can’t lie, but I’m very okay with being in the background most of the time.

This show was different, though. There were 7 characters and 5 scenes. 4/7 characters were on in every scene, yet there wasn’t necessarily a “lead”. Sure, there was the instructor character, teaching the others self-defense and leading consent workshops, but all the characters got at least one monologue, an attention - grabbing trick, and had their own moments to shine. Additionally, 3.7 characters were double cast, with me being one of them. Although a challenge to work with, and slightly unfortunate, I loved the cast. We all got to rehearse together and truly did become friends. 

The coolest thing about the double casting, though, was seeing how the characters were played differently. My character was named Nikki. She’s the shy, somewhat pious girl who’s insecure. She likes comics, specifically Marvel, and she has trauma of her own. I played her as shy and scared of the world, since I am an anxious individual who would be incredibly terrified in her shoes. My double cast played her as goofier and more sarcastic than I did. Since the show was a dark comedy, we had the two techniques of realism versus comedic effect.

The part that I want to memorialize, though, was opening night. I am not a comedic actor, that’s just a fact. I try my best, but dramatic stories are more my style. Throughout rehearsals, I tried to find moments to make funny, even if more subtle. A couple of these moments were picked up, and it took everything in me not to externalize my excitement. These moments were mostly physical – a grimace or small gesture, a head tilt, or even a bold choice after exaggerated vocals. It felt really awesome because none of the comedy felt unnatural. It felt like I was performing, yet still natural. There were two other moments from this show that really reassured my path in life. Throughout the show, Nikki is randomly skilled at all these self-defense moves. In scene 4, she finds herself volunteering to demonstrate a move to do when someone is on top of you. Yes, I had to have someone straddle me and make it good when I bucked and rolled them off. Yes, he was very tall. And yes, I had been terrified about it since getting the role. Besides the fight call before the show, I hadn’t run the move in a week. Yet, I did it, and it felt perfect. There was a short delay, then a huge round of applause and cheering from the audience. I felt so cool and energized, and I just wanted to stay in that moment forever. 

The last moment wasn’t as fun, but it proved that the intent of the show worked. Warning, I’m going to quote the show here, and the line is explicit. I will somewhat censor it, but feel free to stop reading or skim over it. 

I had a monologue at the end of the show about getting SA’ed (the show was about SA Awareness). In it, Nikki states how a man said to her “I can smell your p***y and it smells delicious”. At my final show, the audience was silent, except for one voice mumbling, “What the f***”. I think only the actors heard it, but it felt right. Immediately after leaving the stage, I told the rest of the cast, and they agreed that person had the right idea. It’s insane what happened to Nikki, and what happens to people in general.

Overall, I missed acting. I miss the fun and sense of accomplishment I get from applause for me. But most of all, I miss the messaging I can spread through art.