Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.9.14

That's right, President Obama faced some criticism for chewing gum during a D-Day ceremony. He was like, "Sorry, but if I don't get my Nicorette, there's going to be another war on this beach."

And get this. In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won't make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she'll travel, she said, "New Hampshire, Iowa, maybe spend a few months in Florida..."

Oh, here's the other big story. A horse named Tonalist won the Belmont Stakes on Saturday, ruining California Chrome's dream of the Triple Crown. The owner of California Chrome was not happy. In fact he went on a crazy rant, and called the winning horse a coward for not also running in the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. Then the horse was like, (ANNOYED) "Hey, neither did you!" The horse did all that work.

Oh, and who can forget the Tonys were last night! And the musical that we had on our show, "A Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder" won the Tony Award for best musical. Yeah, it's about a wealthy man who wants to eliminate all the heirs in his family so that he can take over. Or as Prince Charles put it, "Go on..." ("Anyone else listening?")

And this was a big deal. Actress Audra McDonald broke Angela Lansbury's record last night when she won her sixth Tony Award. Yeah, now she's got more Tonys than a beach in New Jersey. (JERSEY) "Hey, Tony, how ya doing? Can I introduce you to my kid Tony? Go say hi to Tony. I don't like that Tony. I like that Tony. How ya doin?"

And finally. I guess this is for a good cause, but over the weekend, thousands of people rode their bikes naked around Portland, Oregon to promote cycling. Yeah, it sent a loud message: never buy a used bike in Portland.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.10.14

Hey, I saw that President Obama's daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today! Of course that means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he's used to people ignoring him. He'll be fine. ("Whatever, dad, you go to bed.")

And this is too bad. The Los Angeles Kings beat the New York Rangers last night to take a 3-0 lead in the Stanley Cup Finals. But look at it this way. If the Rangers lose, New Yorkers still got the Knick...Well, there's always the Yank...In just a few months, we got the Giant... Hey, how do the Rockettes look this year?

Here's some more sports news. With the World Cup two days away, the U.S. men's soccer team is facing some criticism because it has seven players who have citizenship in two countries. "I am SHOCKED!" said U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann. (My name is Jurgen Klinsmann! They call me Jurgen Clams! One time in Stockholm I ate 25 clams!)

Oh this is cool. Paramount is planning to re-release "Forrest Gump" this year to celebrate the movie's 20th anniversary. So it'll be back in theaters. Which is great cuz before if you wanted to see "Forrest Gump," you had to turn on your TV at literally ANY time of day. "It's GUMP day on TBS!" ("5-4-3-2-Gump!")

I just saw that lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a new bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey.

And finally, I just read about this guy here in New York who is selling the world's largest video game collection, which has 11 thousand games. He doesn't really want to sell it, but he needs SOME way to pay for the divorce.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.11.14

This is getting weird. For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Man, Obama wants to be out of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. ("Almost.")

Hey, I saw that "Game of Thrones" author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. And get this, he already has 80 thousand followers -- and that's just the cast of "Game of Thrones." (Better retweet that guy or he'll kill you off.)

Speaking of pets, I just found out about this new iPhone app similar to Tinder that helps people find dogs to adopt. Though it should be interesting when you finally meet your new dog and realize you've been catfished by a hamster.

This isn't good. I read that the mayor of Miami has rejected the proposed stadium site for David Beckham's new soccer team. Yeah, the Mayor said if he wants a team that only scores a couple of times a game, he'll just watch the Heat. (The mayor said it! The mayor of Miami. Well, I might have said it.)

Well, Donald Sterling's back in the news. Yep, he said he's fighting the sale of the Clippers because the NBA is a "band of hypocrites" and "despicable monsters." He said, "And those are my kind of people! Please don't make me leave!"

And finally, Father's Day is this weekend guys! And get this, the average American will spend 113 dollars on a gift for Father's Day. Or in other words, none of us are average Americans. I get my dad the same thing I get him every year: a six-pack and a scratch-off ticket. And if he wins, we split it. That's a good deal!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.12.14

Great news you guys. The New York Rangers beat the LA Kings in Game 4 last night to stay alive in the Stanley Cup Finals. So they now trail 3 games to 1. Or as they say in hockey, they're hanging on by the skin of their tooth.

Speaking of sports. Today was the start of the World Cup! It's that special time of the year when Americans in bars are like, (SHRUG) "I guess we're watching this now." ("Is there a lumberjack competition on ESPN 5 or something?")

Of course Father's Day is just a few days away. And in a new interview, President Obama said that he is a fun dad who teeters on the edge of embarrassing his kids. Cuz nothing says you're a fun dad like SAYING you're a fun dad. (NERDY) "Hey kids. Who's up for a dance party in the driveway? Aren't you glad I'm so fuuuuuuuun??" I'm a fun dad!

Oh, and the big political story this week is House Majority Leader Eric Cantor losing Virginia's Republican primary to a Tea Party candidate. And get this. It was revealed that Cantor's campaign actually spent more money at STEAKHOUSES than his opponent spent on his entire campaign. Or as one of my guests tonight put it, "So? What's wrong with that?" (I'm talking about Chris Rock! He likes steak! He's a steak head.)

And finally, Scientists are predicting that there's a 90 percent chance of the weather system El Niño happening this year. That's right, El Niño could be back! Or as God put it, (GOD VOICE) "It's Throwback Thursday, y'all!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.13.14

That's right, Father's Day is this weekend, don't forget. And get this, a new survey found that 64 percent of people plan to get their dad a card for Father's Day. You know, cuz people want to tell their dads how they really feel. But since it's Father's Day, they'll be nice and just him a card instead. (ANGRY) "You're the BEST dad ever!"

That's right, 64% of people say they're getting their dad a card. While 64% of Dads still haven't read the card you gave them last year.

Sounds like MY dad. Just kidding. I don't have a dad.

No, I was raised by a family of schnoodles. It's a schnauzer-poodle mix. Back in the day they were called mutts. But now they have a cute name, they're rich now.

Hey speaking of parents - you guys should listen to this. There are reports that Amazon is launching a new service to help you find a babysitter. And if you want to see how that turns out - (SERIOUS) tune into Dateline. Friday at 8, on NBC. "They ordered their babysitter off the internet, but only murder was delivered." I'm Lester Holt.

And this is pretty crazy. During Nevada's Democratic primary for governor this week, the option "none of the above" actually got more votes than any of the real candidates. Yeah, they had to go with the runner up who only got 25 percent of the vote. Yeah never good when you choose your governor like he's the last guy left at the bar at 2am. "Eh, what the hell, they're playing Eric Clapton."

And this is just a weird story here. The mayor of San Marino, California has apologized after he was caught on video tossing a bag of dog poop into his neighbor's yard. It got even worse when he said, "Not only that - I don't have a dog." (It's not easy to poop in a bag, trust me. I was raised by schnoodles, I should know.)

Hey, I saw that Disney is coming out with a show that will be a sequel to the Lion King called "The Lion Guard." "Lion Guard?" That sounds like a knockoff costume your stepdad buys you at a 99 Cent Store. "C'mon, it's just like the other guy. So what it's purple. It's a good deal. Who cares if he's got a cigarette. He's a guard at a prison."

Check this out. Heinz ketchup is teaming up with Ford Motor company to turn leftover tomatoes into plastic for car parts. Yeah, they say the tomato fibers can be made into plastic that's ALMOST as tough as whatever they make ketchup packets out of.

This is really cool. Microsoft says it's next Windows phone will have a new feature called "3D Touch" which will let users control the phone with gestures. Yeah, you just gesture, but don't actually touch the phone. Which will make it officially impossible to tell if someone's crazy. (BATTING AT THE AIR) "Hi mom! You look great in that photo!"

Another tech story. The dating site Match.com has a new feature they say will find the perfect match for you based on pictures of your ex. Which explains why every woman on Match.com is now claiming they dated George Clooney.