Quotables From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE's 'Weekend Update' 5/8 Edition

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR Seth Meyers - "Wall Street on Thursday was sent into a panic when the Dow suddenly dropped nearly 1,000 points in a matter of seconds.  It was so bad, the E*Trade baby had to be changed."

MEYERS - "To stop the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum lowered a four-story metal container onto the leaking pipe allowing the flowing oil to be pumped out.  If that doesn't work they go to "plan B": Vince."

MEYERS - "On Monday federal agents investigating the attempted Times Square bombing arrested Pakistani-born US citizen Faisal Shahzad.  Better known by his terrorist nickname: Mohammed al Corey Feldman."

MEYERS - "An estimated 100,000 people in Greece participated in violent nationwide strikes to protest harsh spending cuts aimed at saving the country from bankruptcy.  To give you an idea how bad the economy is over there, THIS is a Radisson."

MEYERS - “White Castle has begun selling candles scented like their hamburgers in honor of their self-proclaimed National Hamburger Month.  So if you like White Castle, now your house can smell like it probably already does.”

MEYERS - "A 19 year-old man in England legally changed his name to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk and the Flash Combined.  Though his agent still thinks it sounds too Jewish."

MEYERS - "A woman in Alaska says that she discovered that her handgun had been stolen after she left it on top of a toilet paper dispenser in a public bathroom.  Maybe a good next step is to move to a state where you don't have to sometimes shoot your way out of a toilet stall."

MEYERS - "Lawmakers in Tennessee have proposed a law aimed at preventing pedophiles from operating ice cream trucks. “Not fair” said kids who will now have to pay for their ice cream."

MEYERS - "A new website has been launched called "Cupidtino," which is an online dating site for fans of Apple products.  It is expected to do slightly better than the dating site for Microsoft fans."

MEYERS - "A couple in Indonesia was arrested for making meatballs from the meat of protected monkeys.  Well, poorly protected monkeys."


MEYERS - "Times Square was evacuated for the second time in a week on Thursday to investigate a threatening looking package that turned out to be a harmless cooler full of water.  It was one of four NYPD trips to Midtown prompted by calls reporting suspicious behavior.  This increased attention brings us to a segment we like to call Really?  We have to call in suspicious looking behavior in Times Square?  Have you ever been to Times Square?  It’s where “suspicious” goes to hang out!  Really."

AMY POEHLER - "And really, which thing would they like me to report?  There’s steam coming out the street.  Out of towners taking pictures of landmarks.  And 15 people are pedaling by on an alien super bike.  I mean really?"

MEYERS - "And Faisal Shazad?  What are you so angry about?  You’re a computer engineer living in Connecticut, our nicest state.  The only thing people in Connecticut have to be angry about is sun damage to wicker furniture.  I mean really?" 

POEHLER - "And really, speaking of Faisal Shazad, when are we checking the no-fly list?  I know we caught him, but he was already on the plane and the plane was about to take off.  You don’t want to check the no-fly list a little earlier than that?  It should definitely happen before telling people to turn off their I-Pods."

MEYERS - "We’re next for take-off.  Gonna do a quick, final systems check.  Wheels up.  Flaps down.  Dave, did we check for terrorists?"

POEHLER - "Uh-oh."

MEYERS - "Ladies, and gentlemen we are headed back to the gate.  I mean, really?"

POEHLER - "Really?  We all have to do better.  On Tuesday, two TSA agents got in a fight because one of them teased the other one for having a small penis when he walked through the x-ray machine.  Guys, we have terrorists.  We can’t waste time arguing over penises.  Besides, ladies don’t care how big a penis is.  Unless it’s really big or really small."

MEYERS - "Really."

POEHLER - "Really. I’ve told you that."

MEYERS - "And what’s going on with technology in general?  On Thursday the Dow fell 1,000 points because someone entered a billion instead of a million?  How is that possible.  How is there not a back-up system?  When I delete a picture on Facebook it asks me if I’m sure.  Why is Facebook more squared away than the Dow.  I mean really?"

POEHLER - "And really?  One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn’t have to approve it?  If I try to pay with a fifty at Starbucks it turns into a four man operation.  They have to call corporate headquarters.  I mean, really."

MEYERS - "Really?  And then the other reason the market may have plunged were the greek riots.  Really?  Greece?  You have to get it together.  You’re in crippling debt and you don’t want to make spending cuts?  Really?  Where do you think your money is going to come from?  Royalties for inventing civilization?  I mean, really."

POEHLER - "Really?  Your only exports are Olive Oil, take out coffee cups and Zach Galifianakis.  You know what…this would be easier coming from someone with Greek blood.  Which brings us to a new segment we like to call 'Alethea (Really) with Seth, Amy and Tina.'"

Tina Fey - "Really Greece?  Alethea?  Ellas?  I love you, but you need to make changes.  Your retirement age is 54.  Really? Greek people in America work the register at the diner till they die.  Come on Greece.  You’re embarrassing yourself in front of Turkey. Dreh-po-meh.  Dreh-po-meh, that means I am ashamed.  Pay your taxes. Agapioses.  I called my mom and asked how do you say taxes in Greek?  She said we don’t have a word for that.  Really."

MEYERS - "Really."

POEHLER - "Really."

PARDO - "This has been 'Really, with Seth, Amy and Tina.'"

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