Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
Below, check out highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S 'Weekend Update' with Colin Jost and Michael Che:
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "With all the complex issues facing America right now, President Trump decided to relax and solve a much simpler problem. The Middle East. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week, and you're not going to believe this but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the announcement, flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion."
JOST - "Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas warned President Trump in a phone call that the move would result in 'dangerous consequences.' And it didn't help that Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas 'Merry Christmas' and asking for extra falafel."
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "I don't know why anybody would take sides in the Middle East conflict, unless they're actually from the Middle East. It's like watching your girlfriend's parents fight. You're just supposed to quietly nod and say, 'I hear you.' I don't know nothin' about the Middle East. I have one Palestinian friend. And every time I ask him about the Middle East, he says, 'Che, I'm Pakistani.'"
JOST - "After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday the White House announced that he will undergo a physical exam early next year, and the results will be made public. Which sounds great, but will Dr. Muppet be doing it? Because if he is, someone's gonna have to shake him out of his 'ludes coma first."
JOST - "Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shut down this weekend. So, for now, 'a government shut down' is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up."
JOST - "Three members of Congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means: Time to open three more doors on our Sexual Harassment-themed Advent Calendar."
JOST - "President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying, 'Go get 'em, Roy!' Come on, man. When you're endorsing an accused child molester, you can't say 'Go get 'em!' This isn't Pedophile Pokémon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way 'Go get 'em, Roy!' is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic."
CHE - "Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting, 'I think they're afraid I'm going to take Alabama values to Washington.' No. we're afraid you're gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always blame their terrible behavior on where they're from? Like when a guy whips out his junk on the subway and screams, 'Only in New York, baby!'"
JOST - "According to a report President Trump did not invite any Democrats to the White House Hanukkah Party on Thursday. Which is like not inviting any gay people to the 'Tony Awards.' It's not a good look when the most Jewish person at your Hanukkah Party is Ivanka Trump."
JOST - "Pizza Hut has announced that it will start testing beer and wine delivery in certain cities. Cities such as Lonelytown and North Shamefield."
CHE - "At least four major wild fires have broken out around Los Angeles, forcing the evacuation of over 150,000 residents. The fires are the worst thing spreading in LA since Harvey Weinstein's bathrobe."
JOST - "Applebee's is selling $1 Long Island Iced Teas for the rest of 2017. This according to a teacher sleeping at her desk."
CHE - "It was reported that while singer R. Kelly was away on tour, thieves broke into his Atlanta home and took nearly everything from it. Damn, I bet he was pissed."
JOST - "A woman in Bristol, England, says she's had sex with at least 20 ghosts. Or, hear me out, British dudes are just super pale."
For more information on "Saturday Night Live," visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/