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a question of relationship ethics... (I need advice)

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My best friend is a guy. I have been interested in him for quite some time, and he's generally receptive, but for very long complicated reasons we have not yet moved beyond friendship.

I recently introduced him to my best female friend. Tonight it became obvious that they are interested in each other. She already told me, "Honey, you want him. I'm not going anywhere near that". He told me that he almost kissed her last night.

Is it wrong for me to keep my claim on him and prevent them from getting together?
Would it be dumb of me to actively work against my own goals and tell them to go for each other?

Normally, these are the two people I would go to for advice, and I can't now.

Please help me.
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Updated On: 9/30/04 at 04:10 AM
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Marquise
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Wow Flowery Friend, that's a tough one. On one hand you don't want to seem selfish and keep him all to yourself. And on the other hand you don't want to lose him as a potential boyfriend.
And then again you don't want to lose either one of them as friends PERIOD.

Flowery --- your girlfriend already knows you're interested in him and already told you she wasn't going anywhere near him, she's obviously made the choice not to lose your friendship over a guy. Now with that out of the way...if you really have feelings for your male friend I suggest you speak to him and you tell him how you feel. Be honest with him.

Sometimes in this life you have to "go for yours" (so to speak) take the opportunity now that he's not involved because then you're going to have to worry about someone else snatching him up.

Good Luck!
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flowery...that's a tough one. oddly enough i went through something very similar when i was in college. i will tell you how it played out in the hopes it will give you some clarity.

christian was the boy i had grand designs on. unfortunately, we had a friendship that involved a lot of mutual friends so there was always an awkwardness about going any further than friendship.

katy was a pretty good girlfriend who started coming with me to "theatre folk" parties and such. katy and i had the same sense of humor, similar tastes, looked similar..etc.

so christian started moving in on katy... i kept my mouth shut because i didn't want to get hurt. the two of them started dating and i became the confidant of both parties. katy was always belittling christian behind his back. he was completely taken with her. i still kept my mouth shut. in the end he got hurt... pretty badly. but christian and i remained friends.

years later after college we both ended up doing a community show together. of course we got together. we talked a lot about katy and how it had affected us individually. i admitted that i had always cared for him, and he admitted that he had gone for katy because he didn't think i was interested in him... she was the closest thing to me (according to him)

i guess the point is that my fear and his kept us from a relationship for four long years. he didn't end up being the love of my life, but it caused me four years of inner turmoil.

don't let your fear hold you back babe.

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check your pm's flowery
Ocean Breeze soap. It's just like taking an ocean cruise only there's no boat and you don't go anywhere.
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this is a tough situation. i can tell you what happened with my somewhat similar one.

i met chris at a conference. he was in charge of my group (he's 4 yrs older). we became friends and kept in touch. the next year at the conference, i went back as an intern. he showed up one day and totally hung out w/ me the entire time. however, one of the other conference ppl was hanging out with me too, so they met each other through me. however, i totally had a crush on him. soon enough, he told me that they had hooked up. i was jealous, but i knew that me and him getting together wouldn't work b/c i was only 17, and therefore illegal. i talked to both of them, usually him, throughout their relationship, which lasted 2 years.

this past summer, i was again at the conference, and he again showed up for one day and hung out with me the entire time. he flirted the whole day (much like he had the 3 yrs prior). however, this time, everyone just assumed that we were together, which we weren't. after the conference he i talked to him everyday, which i hadn't done before, and we ended up hooking up 2 weeks later. and yes, we're together and oct. 5 is our 3 month anniversary. i know, 3 months isn't lot, but i'm 6000 miles away right now, and it makes it hard. the fact that i knew him for so long makes me able to trust him. but i guess the point is that hooking up w/ a friend isn't necessarily a bad idea, as long as you go about it the right way and make sure that it's what both of you want. and i don't think you have to worry about your female friend b/c she already said that she wouldn't pursue it. hope i helped.
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5:20 EDT chat on this.
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Please help.
I starred in a short film called Magnetic Personality. Check it out!
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when is 5:20 EDT?
"Applause begets applause in the theatre, as laughter begets laughter and tears beget tears." CLAYTON HAMILTON, "Theory of the Theatre" "I think theater ought to be theatrical ... you know, shuffling the pack in different ways so that it's -- there's always some kind of ambush involved in the experience. You're being ambushed by an unexpected word, or by an elephant falling out of the cupboard, whatever it is." TOM STOPPARD
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It was Eastern Daylight-savings Time, early this morning.
And I know that's the proper abbreviation because it was an answer in the New York Times crossword puzzle last week. re: a question of relationship ethics... (I need advice)
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I such at relationship advice, so I won't give you any. I do wish you the best at figuring all of this out though.
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flowery, i've changed my answer. guys svck. they change their minds and don't make any sense. they say we don't make sense, but at least we're logical... they're not (sorry to all the guys who i just offended. had to vent) ugh! life's so much easier w/out guys!
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It's really not that difficult. If they are interested in each other, that's the way it will be. And if she likes him, and he likes her....even if she "stays away" from him because she knows you like him...that really does nothing to create a romantic relationship between him and you. I'm not trying to be harsh here; just realistic. Attempting to block their attraction won't work...at least I've never seen it... if it exists... and standing in the way might even enhance their attraction by creating a sense of a "forbidden" relationship. People don't "decide" to fall for each other...it just happens. The fact that the boy in question is TELLING you, as his FRIEND, that he almost kissed her should tell you everything you need to know about where things are at right now.

Again, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but honestly, human emotion...especially romantic attraction...has a will of it's own.
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Updated On: 9/30/04 at 06:34 PM
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Thank you Flit.
That makes a ridiculous amount of sense.

This situation is more complicated than I posted, and I've been holding back on posting more for fear that I'd confuse myself and any potential advice givers in the process. I feel that this is an appropriate time to add a couple more facts.


1. The reason I never got with the guy is that he has had an obsessive crush on the same girl for 6 years. Even though we were interested in each other, it would be uncomfortable to get together with both of us knowing that he wanted her more. My best female friend is not as familiar with the situation with the other girl, and I don't know whether or not I should warn her.


2. My second best guy friend is the roommate of my first best guy friend (the one I'm interested in). He has had an obsessive crush on my girl friend for a long time. He is in a very fragile emotional state, and if I back down and give my approval to my two friends progressing in a relationship, it will have a very negative impact on my third friend (who I believe has undiagnosed clinical depression, and is afraid of doctors... this could send him over the edge).



(I'm sorry if I'm being a bit of a drama queen. My life always feels like a soap opera, even though I know that on the whole, my problems are completely and totally inconsequential when compared with the problems of other people in the world. Forgive me.)
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Here's my 2c. I've been in this position before and it didn't turn out well. I wanted my girl friend and guy friend to get together despite my feelings, and it lead to a lot of resentment towards both of them. We're not friends anymore.

Ultimately, as cliched as it is, friendship is more valuable than this relationship. Can you see these two marrying or having a long term relationship? If not, then you more or less know they're going to break up eventually, and by then, your friendship will have been altered without any chance of getting back to where it was before.

What I'm trying to say (incoherently) is that these hormones should not take priority over your friendship with these 3 people. You shouldn't encourage your friend to get together with this guy, but that shouldn't mean that you pursue him instead. Chicks before dicks, sweetie. re: a question of relationship ethics... (I need advice)

Hope that helps!
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