know any jokes?

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nystateomind04
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know any jokes?#0
Posted: 5/15/04 at 9:23pm
i feel like i dont know any, i was asked to tell one off the top of my head at a college audition and i had to tell this old one that im sure everyone knows (the one about the girl from the bronx who goes to harvard, anyone?)

we all need a few laughes, huh? they can be dirty if you want (by all means know any jokes?)
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re: know any jokes?#1
Posted: 5/15/04 at 9:32pm
a little boy went up to his dad and said "dad, i don't understand the difference between theory and reality". the dad said, "okay son, i will show you the difference. first, go up to your mother and ask her if she would sleep with brad pitt for $1 million, then go up to your sister and ask her if she would sleep with orlando bloom for $1 million." the little boy slightly confused said "okay" and went to see his mother.

he asked his mother, "mom, would you sleep with brad pitt for $1 million", his mother replied "don't tell your dad, but yes i would." the little boy said, "okay" and went to find his sister. he said to his sister "would you sleep with orlando bloom for $1 million"? his sister replied, "of course i would!!!!"

the little boy went back to his dad and said "dad, I now understand what the diference is between theory and reality". his dad replied, "i am glad son, explain it to me."

the little boy replied "well, in theory we are sitting on $2 million bucks. but in reality we're living with a coupla whores!!!!
r.i.p. marco, my guardian angel.

...global warming can manifest itself as heat, cool, precipitation, storms, drought, wind, or any other phenomenon, much like a shapeshifter. -- jim geraghty

pray to st. jude

i'm a sonic reducer

he was the gimmicky sort

fenchurch=mejusthavingfun=magwildwood=mmousefan=bkcollector=bradmajors=somethingtotalkabout: the fenchurch mpd collective
Updated On: 5/15/04 at 09:32 PM
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re: know any jokes?#2
Posted: 5/15/04 at 9:44pm
haha! thats great! keep em coming, people!
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re: know any jokes?#3
Posted: 5/15/04 at 10:08pm
A few that make me laugh

1. Two hillbilly guys are walking down the street when one hillybilly looks over and sees a large dog in a front yard hunched over licking himself, the hillybilly then says" gee I sure wish I could do that!" the other hillbilly replies" well, maybe he'll let ya, if ya pet him first!

2. did helen keller burn her face? she was bobbing for french fries.

3. How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw

4. Why does Michael Jackson like twentyeight year olds? Cuz theres twenty of them.

5. How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? Because it's not called a teethbrush

"Noah, someday we'll talk again. But there's things we'll never say. That sorrow deep inside you. It inside me, too. And it never go away. You be okay. You'll learn how to lose things..."
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re: know any jokes?#4
Posted: 5/15/04 at 10:15pm
since i'm feeling generous i'll share two of my all time favorites:

rene descartes walks into a bar. bartender says, "will you have a beer?" rene replies, "i think not." and promptly disappears.

how many dadaists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? fish.
r.i.p. marco, my guardian angel.

...global warming can manifest itself as heat, cool, precipitation, storms, drought, wind, or any other phenomenon, much like a shapeshifter. -- jim geraghty

pray to st. jude

i'm a sonic reducer

he was the gimmicky sort

fenchurch=mejusthavingfun=magwildwood=mmousefan=bkcollector=bradmajors=somethingtotalkabout: the fenchurch mpd collective
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re: know any jokes?#5
Posted: 5/15/04 at 10:35pm
I remember the dadist joke, but we used surrealist instead.

I love stupid jokes.

Two peanuts were walking down a dark alley. One was a salted.

Two nuns walked into a bar. The third nun ducked.

What's the difference between an elephant and a grape? Elephants are grey.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of elephants approaching? "Look out for the elephants!"

What did Jane say when she saw the herd of elephants approaching? "Look out of the grapes!" Jane was color blind.
"What can you expect from a bunch of seitan worshippers?" - Reginald Tresilian
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re: know any jokes?#6
Posted: 5/16/04 at 12:32am
papalovesmambo, i told that first joke to some of my friends and they cracked up.

ok, i'll go ahead and tell the joke that i think you all know already;

so, this girl from the bronx works really hard in high school and she manages to get some really good grades. she ends up being the valedictorian and going to harvard. well, when she gets to harvard she looks around and finds that she's a little lost, so she goes up to a nice looking blonde girl in a checkered skirt and a sweater that says "harvard" on it, and askes:
"excuse me, could you tell me where the librarys at?"
and the nice looking blonde in the checker skirt says
"im sorry, at harvard we don't use prepositions at the end of sentences."
and the girl from the bronx says:
"oh im sorry. then... could you tell me where the librarys at, bitch?"

har har har
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re: know any jokes?#7
Posted: 5/16/04 at 12:45am
LOL, yes i have heard it but its always good to hear that one again (and when i say LOL i really mean it this time)
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re: know any jokes?#8
Posted: 5/16/04 at 11:58am
good one. i'll have to remember to site my sources when i tell these
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re: know any jokes?#9
Posted: 5/16/04 at 12:11pm
another Helen Keller i heard recently: (it's all one joke)

-How did Helen Keller burn the right side of her face?
-She thought the iron was the telephone.

-How did she burn the LEFT side of her face?
-They called back.
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re: know any jokes?#10
Posted: 5/16/04 at 12:14pm
Now, if you're going to just be mean and tell Helen Keller jokes, tell two or three and than tell this one -

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?

A: Because she's a woman.

"Noah, someday we'll talk again. But there's things we'll never say. That sorrow deep inside you. It inside me, too. And it never go away. You be okay. You'll learn how to lose things..."
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re: know any jokes?#11
Posted: 5/16/04 at 12:26pm
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?
She screamed her hands off

What did Hellen Keller say when she fell down the hill?
Nothing. She had her mittens on.
"What can you expect from a bunch of seitan worshippers?" - Reginald Tresilian
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re: know any jokes?#12
Posted: 5/16/04 at 12:40pm
another oldie but goodie:

three couples die in a car crash and go up to the pearly gates and meet saint peter. when they get there, saint peter says to the first man; "sir, you cannot enter heaven for you loved money so much that you married a woman named penny." then he looks at the second man and says "sir, you cannot enter heaven for you loved cars so much you married a woman named alexus." at which point the third man turns around and says to his wife; "maybe we ought to just leave now, i dont think we really have a chance, fanny."
Updated On: 5/16/04 at 12:40 PM
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re: know any jokes?#13
Posted: 5/16/04 at 1:02pm
those are some great ones!
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re: know any jokes?#14
Posted: 5/16/04 at 1:23pm
I know lots of amusing jokes, but unfortunately I'll offend the entire free world re: know any jokes?
"You're every gay man's wet dream!" ~ MA

If in Heaven you don't excel, you can always party down in hell...

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re: know any jokes?#15
Posted: 5/16/04 at 2:13pm
ohhh, too bad :)
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re: know any jokes?#16
Posted: 5/16/04 at 2:16pm
feel free, cjr
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re: know any jokes?#17
Posted: 5/16/04 at 2:53pm
Hmm...just heard this one...

"Why did Michale Jackson go to Wal-Mart?"

"Why?"

"Boys paints half off"!!!
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re: know any jokes?#18
Posted: 5/16/04 at 3:01pm
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blond replies...”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Finally, a smart blonde joke!
"It's the little things; the details, that distinguish the Barbra Streisands from the Rosalyn Kinds."~Gilmore Girls~
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re: know any jokes?#19
Posted: 5/16/04 at 3:01pm
How do you punish Helen Keller?
Re-arrange her room.

How do you REALLY punish Helen Keller?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.

How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
Trying to read a stucco wall.

What's Helen Keller's favourite colour?
Corduroy.
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re: know any jokes?#20
Posted: 5/16/04 at 3:06pm
love that blonde joke. these hellen keller one's are gold too
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re: know any jokes?#21
Posted: 5/16/04 at 3:53pm
the blonde one's good.

anyone know a site of these? they're funny!
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re: know any jokes?#22
Posted: 5/16/04 at 5:07pm
I'll gladly PM them to anyone who asks.... but if you're easily offended, don't bother lmao
"You're every gay man's wet dream!" ~ MA

If in Heaven you don't excel, you can always party down in hell...

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re: know any jokes?#23
Posted: 5/16/04 at 6:01pm
Well, dammit! We should have a BWW Jokes get together at some bar or restuarant sometime! Hosted by CJR and papalovesbush.

:)
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re: know any jokes?#24
Posted: 5/16/04 at 6:19pm
Hahahaha yeaaah! That would be fun times re: know any jokes?
"You're every gay man's wet dream!" ~ MA

If in Heaven you don't excel, you can always party down in hell...