Borderline Personality Disorder - Page 2

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 1/27/20 at 5:38pm

Highland Guy said: "Did the hospital refer you to longer-term support groups? Often, LGBT Community Centers offer a variety of client-run, no-cost groups that address various issues. If there is a Center near you, you might want to check to see if they have programs of interest to you. Just a suggestion. Good luck"

There was mentions but I’m following up with doctors in 2 days so I’m sure more long term will be discussed then, I just needed to get through this week lol. I appreciate the thought however, thank you. 

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 1/30/20 at 12:25am

Just reading that I would say my unprofessional opinion is that you earned your rest! Sounds like you worked hard! I mean, my guess is somebody who DIDN'T want to get better wouldn't be saying "This was the hardest thing ever but here's the good stuff I got out of it." That's impressive, man, good work.

[sabrelady]

Posted: 1/30/20 at 12:37pm

Yes It sounds like you have a path now. Keep up the good work!​​​​​​

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 1/30/20 at 1:54pm

Thanks for the kind words y'all 

 

Still a long process to get through. I am doing more DBT now moving forward, along with twice a week doing group sessions of other people who either have BPD or are suffering from severe or chronic depression. It will be a good thing to get me out and about more. Slowly getting there and taking things one day at a time. Thanks as always for the support here, it truly means a lot! 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 2/11/20 at 9:55am

So DBT therapy sucks. Its extremely intensive and I am trying to work and find a job but doing so with this therapy is impossible. Im not sure how anybody can do this. Obviously its only been a week but its simply too much for me. Another victory for BPD! 

[Impossible2]

Posted: 2/11/20 at 6:59pm

Mike Barrett said: "So DBT therapy sucks. Its extremely intensive and I am trying to work and find a job but doing so with this therapy is impossible. Im not sure how anybody can do this. Obviously its only been a week but its simply too much for me. Another victory for BPD!"

I understand it is brutal and a long hard process, but you really should continue treatment.

Take it at your own pace though, you shouldn't be rushing it or be forced to rush it, you should do it as you feel comfortable. It is extremely damaging to rush such a mentally intrusive process.

Baby steps x

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 2/13/20 at 11:44pm

I feel for you Mike. 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 3/5/20 at 9:12pm

I guess just venting, this is the worst disease to live with and it makes getting up everyday honestly extremely difficult. I had a few dates with a man and after a few dates I opened up about this and he literally got up and left the tables and said “I don’t deal with the crazy”. Like, way to dehumanize me dude. This just sucks, I don’t find DBT to be working or any of my anti-depressants I have been on for 7 months now, so ya, sorry if this seems like a useless post but I’m quite frustrated and lost at the moment

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 3/6/20 at 7:46pm

Sorry about that, man. Sometimes people don't have anything in them to spare to share a burden. And sometimes people are a-holes.

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 3/9/20 at 4:50pm

My hat is off to you for your honesty and self-awareness, which is HUGE.  A lot of people with BPD are either in self-denial or refuse to be diagnosed which can lead to mass destruction.  As for the date, though I know it's no real consolation for his behavior, at least it was only a few dates in instead of a few years in.  Have you checked with any LGBT group resources in your area?  There are kind and supportive hotties out there.  They might be hard to find, but they DO exist!  Namo is one of them. 

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 3/11/20 at 1:01am

HA! And MisterMatt is obviously good at helping with depression and anxiety by making somebody laugh.

[yankeefan7]

Posted: 3/11/20 at 9:31am

I wish I could help but hopefully others here can assist you. Hang in there !!

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 3/11/20 at 1:41pm

Sorry, tad late responding to you all. Very kind repsonses as always which I do genuinely take to heart ,so I appreciate you guys! Sadly not many LGBT groups in my area, they exist, but they're just simply not great. Not even talking about eye candy they just aren't well run or organized cause its a much smaller community. Im doing better, I definitely know that guy is an a-hole and his comment speaks to him and not me but its certainly frustrating. It in no way diminishes my friends struggle as everything is relative to ones life, but hearing how they go on dates frequently (forget the fact they're straight and thins have in general been easier for them) and don't have things work out then get so frustrated I sometimes wanna be like, "You're gonna be fine" when I know, someone like myself, won't be. Maybe its a selfish thought, but I genuinely believe I just won't be able to find love with this disease. It sucks, and it doesn't make me not feel bad for any of my friends but I'm also like, ya, you guys will be fine. This is a temporary issue for them while I feel mine is life long. But again, might be too self pitying 

[SporkGoddess]

Posted: 3/23/20 at 9:14am

There's a very effective treatment for BPD called dialectical behavior therapy, or DBT. I'd check to see if there is any availability for it in your area--usually there is in large metropolitan areas. You have to be willing to commit to changing certain behaviors and patterns, of course (which it sounds like you would be).

 

 

 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 4/3/20 at 12:43pm

So as one could imagine, online DBT and other therapies are not very effective for me. At least my experience with my doctors/psychiatrists has been each meeting feels less personal not being there in person, it almost feels scripted, less organic, less natural. I feel because of this I haven’t been able to get the full treatment I need. Plus, because of backup my medication will arrive a FULL week late, so doing my best to maintain sanity here.

Sadly this has been tough. I live with my parents who are in the direct line of Fire for corona and it’s gives me nauseating anxiety daily. I don’t want to get sick, but I fear they will. It’s been scary although we have only left our home to grocery shop and my mother is the only one in her office so we are relatively safe.

My coping mechanism has sadly been weed, as it has been for years. Unfortunately I’m starting to feel the effects of being a smoker. For the last 2 weeks I’ve been smoking daily, and HEAVILY. From when I wake up until I go to bed. I know it’s as bad as it sounds. I generally have good hygiene although the last 2 days have been filled with panic attacks so I admit I’ve gotten backed up.

Because of this, I noticed a few bumps on the hack of my tongue and I think it’s Transient Lingual Papillitis. Doesn’t seem serious and I just need better hygiene but with my anxiety, as you can imagine, I’m freaking out! I’m just trying to enjoy a joint goddamnit!

So, I’m making the true and honest effort to quit smoking today. I can feel it in my chest as well now. It’s sad, weed was (pathetically) one of the few things I looked forward to.

While we all have our mental struggles, espeically in a time like this, there are many who suffer daily with mental struggles and what’s going on in the world truly feels like it’s all collapsing. There are a lot of people to be thinking and/or praying about now, many if not all of whom are more important than I am, but please all remember those right now who struggle with mental illness. It’s so often ignored in this country and there are so many struggling like crazy right now just to get through each day. So, say a prayer for them too!

Just thought I’d post an update with my experiences. Feel free to share yours. I wish everyone, including the Mods who are harp on a lot, ALL the best and most safety during this time!

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 4/27/20 at 4:31pm

"Because of this, I noticed a few bumps on the hack of my tongue and I think it’s Transient Lingual Papillitis." It's probably nothing. 

The medical marijuana dispensaries all say that if you take a break from their product after you use it regularly, your body resets and in a couple weeks a much smaller amount gives you the effect you were chasing when your body got desensitized. I honestly don't think weed as a self-medicating coping strategy is the worst, but only you can say if it's damaging you.

Good luck and best wishes.  We are all together in this while also alone.

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 6/2/20 at 1:10pm

Well, a return to BWW! I like the refresh of the site, seems nice. When did this all happen? 

First off, idk who actually reads these, but, I hope all my BWW friends (or foes) are out there during the best they can right now, whatever that may mean for you. I wish you all the best health and safety as we continue on this crazy, crazy path our world is leading us. 

As I noted I have not been doing well, and I came to BWW to share my story and hope it either helps or educates others a bit. 

Unfortunately I have been in rehab since whenever my last post here was. I tried taking my own life recently, only to end up in a hospital for the last month with some stomach damage (long lasting, strict diet now!), obvious mental setbacks, and an eating disorder. All within the last month. It has been incredibly difficult to come out of this on the other side and I am still working through many things, but, I am here. I am home, and no longer in a hospital. 

The reason I share this right now is because while I do not want to act like I'm "okay", I'm sure there are a lot of people out there right now wondering about the future of their lives as well. Whether it is actual BWW members, friends/family of BWW members, just please remember these few things: 

- There is more to life than our current situation. While this feels like forever, it isn't. There will be ways to grow and become a stronger person from this. What those are you need to find and figure out for yourself, but you can do it. Be willing to take the time as thats all we have right now. 

- If you know anybody who is mentally sick, depressed, anxious, etc, just reach out to them. No one is expecting you to be their "savior", but a simple "Hope things are okay, I know its been tough, I support you" mean THE WORLD to people like me who feel there is no need for me to be here. I, sadly, did not have that available to me. It would have helped to say the least, so I STRONGLY encourage others to practice this habit consistently with others, even for those who you may not know or feel are depressed as you may think. 

- If you are in my position of feeling hopeless, I know its scary and Im sure as hell not someone who believes or has faith in any of our systems right now, but, go to rehab. Go to rehab. Take the time you need to get yourself to the place you need to be. I can happily (and admittedly, surprisingly) say that I feel I got the best care I could have possibly gotten. People are there for YOU. Whether or not they are in your real life, they are in rehab! Its almost like catering to you! Felt nice in an odd way, but trust me, it helps. 

 

This is all very generic and I am happy to discuss more with others although I'm not sure ill be on BWW everyday because I desperately miss the arts (in all formats) so its almost sad coming here in some ways. Anyways, not sure anybody cares to hear my story but I want to be a help for anyone who needs it, and my story continues and continues to evolve. Stay safe BWW :)

[Someone in a Tree2]

Posted: 6/2/20 at 1:53pm

Welcome back, Mike. And thanks for sharing your painful journey-- we read every line and only hope the best for you.

[Highland Guy]

Posted: 6/2/20 at 3:23pm

Mike Barrett said: "Well, a return to BWW!"

 

You're back.  Good.

 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 6/9/20 at 3:03pm

Thank you all for your support! Means the world to me, y’all don’t even know.

At the lowest weight I’ve been since middle school, so working on gaining some more weight this coming week.

[SmoothLover]

Posted: 6/9/20 at 7:42pm

Try not to take things personally and let upsetting things that people say or do go in one ear and out the other. People I have know who have BPD easily pick up on subtext Or interpret it  in a way that causes them pain. Do not let anyone else ruin your life. As the song says Let It Go and live a life on your terms that brings you joy.

 

 

 

 

 

Updated On: 6/10/20 at 07:42 PM

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 6/10/20 at 10:28am

SmoothLover said: "Try not to take things personally and let upsetting things that people say or do goin one ear and out the other. People I have know who have BPD easily pick up on subtext Or interpret it in a way that causes them pain. Do not let anyone else ruin your life. As the song says Let It Go and live a life on your terms that brings you joy.


Thank you for this!! I am certainly trying, much easier said than done. I grew up in a conservative household, luckily never Trumpers, however my cousins are to give an idea of my environment. Any shortcoming, anything that seemed off, anything "weird", is INSTANTLY called out. Its exhausting and I feel I always have to be on my toes. Its very difficult and most BPD people have trust issues to begin with, so having this be with my family has made my mind spin even more over the years. 






"

 

[SmoothLover]

Posted: 6/10/20 at 3:03pm

I have found over the years that if I stew about something someone has done or said I am basically letting them ruin my day. So I decided to take a deep breath and just let it go right away thus changing the trajectory for the rest of my day or week for that matter.

Maybe you could spend less time with family members and more time with people that get you. I think most of us learn through the aging process that we are are own best friends. We learn to validate ourselves rather than look for it elsewhere. So do not be hard on yourself. Be kind and do things that you enjoy and that fulfill you.

One of the challenges of COVID because of the lockdown, is avoiding  living in our brains. When life lacks structure it is easy to obsess on things....so again another breath is needed to make a conscious decision not to do so.

 

 

 

[Lisa McCoy]

Posted: 6/11/20 at 3:53pm

I really loved all the responses on this thread and wanted to share the couple of works that i have read too. Another one is Marya Hornbacher's 'Madness: A Bipolar Life'. An Unquiet Mine is one of the best reads to learn about the same from life writing. So much autobiographical works. Memoirs too. You also want to look at the third chapter of Psychological Science. 

[Mike Barrett]

Posted: 8/15/21 at 7:03am

Hello BWW! It feels very nice to be back and posting here again. It’s been over a year (I think?), and I thought I would update people after leaving on a more depressing note with my life situation, as well as just saying hi as I plan to frequent here more.

First off, I am sadly not any better really. While I have been blessed with regards to people I know getting Covid and being fine, my mental health this year has just so severely declined. The events before, and after the election, Jan 6, did the biggest number I mean and really made me finally, in a more “official” way essentially saying “Okay, idgaf anymore. This world is truly insane.”

Anndddddd..... I can’t say that I’ve totally changed my mind on that point, at least yet. Maybe it’s still Covid hangover but we shall see.

One thing all this has done is make me truly appreciate more than I did before what I do actually have for myself. While the depressing realization has been I don’t have much lol, I’ve learned to sorta accept and own that, at least for the time being. In a way, I’m more comfortable with myself, my mental health issues, and what I need to do to overcome those issues or get thru a day. Need a joint? Go ahead man, don’t hold back! Or need to go lay down and stop your activities that you’re doing to try and be productive, go ahead! Covid has taught me to live a more simple life and to not take things so seriously, truly.

I don’t have really many friends and family I’m
Close with, so I’ve also learned to really appreciate places like this. Granted, it’s been a year. It was hard for me to come back here last summer amidst the world changes, it’d just sometimes strike my PTSD as coming here was essentially a daily activity, and a lot of the things we discuss on here have been taking away. That being said, it’s THE USERS here that brought me back. Not Mr Roxy lol, but you all know who you are. This is an incredibly kind, intelligent, funny, and thoughtful group of people on these forums. Reading some threads and just seeing some names again brought me a smile. I think this community is really special, and I don’t think I appreciated that before. No more stupid petty arguments from me, I’ll still comment and share my thought on things, but again, I don’t take things as seriously now. I’m sure while my far left views haven’t changed, reading any thread pre election I’m sure I’m an entirely different human. Discussions will be had, but I feel I took the bait before, I’ve grown up lol.

I just came here to say hi, and give an update. I’ve heard from some users over the course of this year (S/O to you, Sutton!!!), and I can’t possibly state how comforting it was. It’s made my day, and it’s 7 am. Coming back here has been what it was like seeing some family I haven’t seen during the pandemic, it feels like nothing has changed and our vibe is still there, and I say that in the best way possible.

Anyways, for anyone who read, commented here, or reached out to me, I thank you. I hope you are all well, healthy, and Vax’d! Take care friends :)