Quotables From THE TONIGHT SHOW, From The Week Of 8/6-8/10

Check out quotables from last weeks episodes of THE TONIGHT SHOW:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.6.18

I saw that President Trump is now on vacation at his New Jersey golf club, and he won't be back in the White House until August 13th. He's basically like your co-worker who uses up all his vacation days cuz he knows he's about to get fired.

But Trump was very busy this weekend. On Saturday night, he spoke at a rally in the auditorium of an Ohio high school. After listening to his speech, the school's English teacher was like, "Be in my office Monday morning."

Guys, tomorrow night is the premiere of an all-new season of "Bachelor in Paradise." If you meet someone on "Bachelor in Paradise," it's the only situation where you lie and tell people you met on Tinder.

I saw that the Amazon Echo will now notify you when it learns the answers to your old questions. Which backfires when you have friends over, and Alexa says, "To answer your question: Cialis IS covered by insurance."

I heard about a new trend where people are combining drinking beer with working out. Yeah, it's called: Getting Kicked Out Of Bally's Total Fitness.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.7.18

Guys, President Trump is still on vacation at his New Jersey golf club, and I saw that tonight, he had dinner with a group of CEOs. He didn't want their input; he wanted to network cuz he might need a new job soon.

That's right, Trump had dinner with over a dozen CEOs including the chairman of "Johnson & Johnson." Trump was like, "I'm a huge fan! Every morning, I shove a Q-Tip all the way in my ear."

One of the other CEOs at the dinner was from FedEx. At first, Trump was nervous, cuz those are two things that cause him the most stress: The Feds and his Exes.

Actually, this is very interesting. Most of the CEOs arrived in limos, while the CEO of FedEx was just tossed over the fence.

I read that due to Trump's trade policies, Yankee Candle might raise its prices. But Americans aren't worried, cuz we've all been re-gifting the same Yankee Candle for decades.

Trump's advisors are urging him not to tweet about the 2016 Trump Tower meeting between his campaign and the Russians. In response, Trump was like, "I wasn't gonna, but now that you're telling me NOT to, it's all I can think about."

I heard that Amazon is looking to hire over 200 people for positions where you work from home. Yep, it's all part of Amazon's plan to make sure no one ever leaves their house again.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.8.18

Guys, across the country last night, there were a bunch of primary elections for Congress. And President Trump said he was pulling for Colton Underwood, David Ravitz, and Chris Randone. Then his staff was like, "Sir, those are contestants on 'Bachelor in Paradise.'"

I saw that there was a very close special election in Ohio, and before the results were final, Trump sent a tweet congratulating the Republican for winning. When people called him out, Trump said, "Sorry. For years I've struggled with premature congratulation."

I heard that Donald Trump Jr. called into a radio show the other day, but when they asked about his Trump Tower meeting with the Russians, his phone suddenly had "technical difficulties." Or as Vladimir Putin put it, "You're welcome."

The Trump administration just announced more tariffs on Chinese goods, like tractors, iron, and lubricating oils. In response, Americans said, "Please don't say 'Trump' and 'lubricating oils' in the same sentence."

I saw that the University of Delaware was just named America's number-one party school. While America's WORST party school is once again: homeschool.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.9.18

Earlier today, Vice President Mike Pence gave a speech at the Pentagon about creating Trump's Space Force. Yeah, Pence began the speech by saying, "I can't believe I have to do this."

Actually, Pence said the military will start forming the U.S. Space Force by the end of 2018. Then Trump was like, "Consider it my going away present."

But it was interesting. We finally learned about the Space Force chain-of-command. According to Trump, it'll go, "E.T., Yoda, then Groot."

I saw that Rudy Giuliani told CNN the Russia investigation could help Republicans in the midterms because Americans are getting tired of all the drama. Then America was like, "We've had 62 seasons of 'Real Housewives,' we NEVER get tired of drama."

Actually, I read that some people think all of Giuliani's interviews are meant to distract and confuse people about the real issues. Even Trump was like, "It's working - I have absolutely NO IDEA what's going on."

Did you guys hear about this? It just came out that when she worked in the White House, Omarosa secretly recorded Trump on her phone. I don't know what's crazier - the fact that people keep recording the president, or that Omarosa worked in the White House.

Nintendo fans are worried about Mario's brother, Luigi, because in a trailer for a new game, he appears as a ghost. They said 30 years of jumping "groin-first" into a flagpole must've finally caught up to him.

And this isn't good. I read that SeaWorld is letting 125 employees go. Or as the animals put it, "Must be nice."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.10.18

Guys, I read that the White House is thinking about new policies that would make it harder for legal immigrants to become citizens. In response, Melania was like, "Oh c'mon, where was that policy 15 years ago?!"

A test prep book is making headlines for referring to President Trump as "Ronald Thump." It turns out, "Ronald Thump" is the name Trump used to check into hotels with Stormy Daniels. ("Allegedly.")

The shoe company Crocs is closing down all their manufacturing facilities. You could tell the company was in rough shape when the CEO started wearing Crocs.

And finally, this is very nice. I just read that the oldest living married couple has been married for 80 years. When asked their secret to staying happy, the couple said, "We can't hear each other."