Highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE's WEEKEND UPDATE with Cecily Strong and Colin Jost, 5/10

Below, check out highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S 'Weekend Update' with Cecily Strong & Colin Jost.

STRONG - "The White House was temporarily locked down this week after a man followed the Presidential motorcade carrying Sasha and Malia into a secure area of the complex. Said the man, "How many times do I have to tell you I'm the Vice President?"

STRONG - "Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said in an interview this week that rehab reminds him of football camp. But only because he wanted to quit both after taking less than twelve steps."

JOST - "While Western leaders were debating further sanctions on Russia for annexing Crimea, Vladimir Putin this week attended a Russian military celebration in Crimea. Putin made the trip after asking himself, as always, 'What Would King Joffrey Do?'"

JOST - "Dennis Rodman said this week that Kim Jong Un did not have his own uncle executed as was reported last year. And if you don't believe Dennis Rodman, good call."

JOST - "The CEO of Target resigned this week over the fallout from last Christmas' credit card security breach. But things are still going great for the CEO of Walmart - a possum with a mullet."

STRONG - "Monica Lewinsky this week wrote an article for Vanity Fair in which she says she regrets her affair with Bill Clinton but that "it's time to burn the beret and bury the Blue dress." Which is exactly what Bill asked her to do in 1997."

STRONG - "Scientists report that older mice were stronger and more active and alert after they were injected with the blood of young mice. "Four crates of baby mice please," said Madonna."

JOST - "A new survey finds that in the past four years the number of Latinos in the US who identify as Catholic has dropped by 12 percent. To 130 percent."

JOST - "New York City is planning to convert old, unused pay phones into free Wi-Fi hotspots. They're converting them from their current use - as urinals."

JOST - "A Florida woman, who was upset when a stranger said she was too heavy to wear a Hooters Tshirt, lost nearly 130 pounds so that she could become an actual Hooters waitress. Florida: where becoming a Hooters waitress is a happy ending."

STRONG - "A British ice cream maker has created a new flavor of ice cream that mixes champagne and Viagra. Perfect for anyone who wants to eat something that tastes like Donald Trump's burps."

STRONG - "A new event has been launched in Brooklyn, New York called "Hot Tub Cinema," in which people watch movies in inflatable hot tubs on a rooftop. "I'll definitely check that out!" said bacteria."

To post a comment, you must register and login.