Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, November 30 - December 4
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.30.15: I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving weekend! I don't want to say I ate too much, but when I got on the scale, it just said I had a nice personality.
Of course, it's the start of the holiday season, everyone! Right now, millions of parents across the nation are checking their credit card statements and saying, "How much is my kid REALLY worth?" "Todd's been good this year, but he hasn't been new Xbox good." (He's been iTunes gift card good.)
Yeah, it seems like a lot more people are shopping online these days. In fact, today was Cyber Monday, where they offer a lot of really good deals just to online shoppers. It's the only day of the year where guys have an innocent reason for quickly shutting their laptops and saying "Don't come in here!"
Here's some sports news. The Philadelphia 76ers set a new record for the longest losing streak in American sports history, with 28 losses in a row since last season. You know the 76ers are bad when THEY leave the game early to beat traffic.
But the big basketball story right now is Kobe Bryant. Last night, Kobe announced that he will be quitting professional basketball. That's right - he's signing with the Philadelphia 76ers.
And some big movie news here. It was revealed that the next "Men in Black" movie is going to feature a "woman in black." You can tell the new agent is a woman when the memory eraser doesn't work on her. (HANDS ON HIPS) "Yeah, I'm still mad at you about that thing." (Don't you forget about it.)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.1.15
Hey, just a reminder - tomorrow is the Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony here on NBC. It was actually supposed to be last week but like everybody else we couldn't find where the hell we put the tree stand from last year. (CALLING) "Did we throw it away? Should we just buy another one or...
Let's get to some news here. In a recent interview, Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars. Double-edged sword.
You know it seems like as the election goes on, we're actually starting to learn more about all of the candidates. For instance, I just saw that Chris Christie prefers texting to making phone calls. But I guess it starts to get annoying when he keeps texting "U up?" to Domino's. (Sir, our hours are clearly posted on our website.)
And I saw that the Associated Press just announced that they are no longer including Hillary Clinton's maiden name "Rodham" in articles about her, nor will they call her "Mrs. Clinton" anymore. While Republicans have announced that they will no longer call Hillary by the name "Lady Voldemort."
And this is pretty crazy here. After Kobe Bryant announced this week that he is retiring, the average ticket price for his final game has already tripled to over thirteen hundred dollars. But if you're lucky enough to be one of his teammates, you can watch Kobe play for free.
And after all of the shopping holidays over the weekend, people are calling today "Giving Tuesday," where instead of buying things for yourself, you're supposed to give to charity. Or as people watching the show right now put it, "Ooooo just missed it!" ("Darn! I'll get it next year.
Actually I feel like shopping is gonna get a lot easier in the next few years. In fact, Amazon just unveiled new prototype drones for its Prime Air delivery service, and it said it hopes to deliver packages in under 30 minutes. Then people waiting to depart from LaGuardia were like, "How much weight can they hold? I'll try it."
Oh, this has a lot of people upset. There's a man who's dressing up as Santa and charging kids five dollars to take a photo with him on the street outside Macy's here in New York City. Parents called the guy a pathetic con man - then they saw the line to see the Santa INSIDE Macy's and said, "Here's a 10 - keep the change. (TO KID) Smile, Dylan!" (TAKE PHOTO) It's Santa Claus! I guess Santa's outside Macy's this year, whatever.
That's right, a man is dressing up as Santa and charging kids five dollars to take a photo with him. When asked why he's doing it, the man said, (TRUMP) "Because Christmas is a huuuuuuge business opportunity. These children are terrible negotiators!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.2.15
Let's check in on the election here. I saw that Donald Trump is now saying that he may skip the next Republican debate on
CNN unless the network pays him five million dollars. But
CNN laughed it off, saying, (LAUGHING) "We don't have five million dollars!" (We pay Wolf Blitzer in beard trimmers!)
Yeah, Donald Trump said that he might skip the next Republican debate unless
CNN pays him five million dollars.
CNN was like, "Fine, we'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours and oh my god where do we send the check?"
And in an interview with
CHARLIE ROSE yesterday, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can't be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary was like, "And they especially can't bribe me at 'Hillary for America, Post Office Box 526, New York, New York." ("Don't even think of sending all your money there!)
And this is interesting. I read that the federal government recently spent 375 thousand dollars to fund a study on the dating habits of senior citizens. When asked what they found out, researchers were like, (WIDE EYES) "Way more than we wanted. Way more."
Some big sports news here. Last night, the Philadelphia 76ers beat the Lakers to snap their record 28-game losing streak. It was all fun until 28 games-worth of confetti dropped from the ceiling and buried everyone. (Been saving that stuff up for awhile.)
And if you have kids, you might want to listen to this. Applebee's and IHOP just announced that they will remove soda from their kids' menus. To which kids said, "Okay - gimme a REGULAR menu." (Easy fix. I'll take two pancakes and a diet soda.)
That's right, IHOP plans to remove soda from their kids' menus. IHOP says it's part of their work to promote healthy diets, then continued serving butter with an ice cream scooper.
And get this. Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them.
Yeah, Pringles is selling a line of scented candles that smell like different flavors, including Cheesy Cheese. So if you're the type of guy who wants your apartment to smell like Pringles and cheese, it probably already smells like Pringles and cheese. "I'm gonna light a candle. It's a romantic night."
This isn't good. I heard that American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, "Just let it ring!" (SIPS DAIQUIRI)
And finally, I saw that an
ANIMAL called the Delmarva
FOX squirrel was officially taken off the endangered species list. Or as Donald Trump put it, (TRUMP, REMOVE HAT) "Finally - I can stop wearing this stupid baseball hat!
(PET HAIR) You're free, boy!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.3.15
You guys picked a great time to come here, because the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree is finally lit! Or as New York cabbies put it, "That's the biggest air freshener I've ever seen!"
And we've got a big show tonight. Daisy Ridley from the new "Star Wars" movie is here! In the movie She plays a character who tries to salvage massive wreckages. Which explains why she's just been hired by Jeb Bush's campaign.
Yeah, things haven't been going too great for Jeb Bush. But he's not giving up. In fact, I read that his campaign has spent the most money on TV ads, at 30 million dollars. I don't want to say Jeb's run TOO MANY ads, but his new security codename is "Geico."
Over on the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton recently started following a bunch of new people and organizations on Instagram, including the home improvement channel HGTV. When asked why, Hillary was like, (CHUCKLING) "Oh, I'm getting a new house soon."
Actually, Hillary went on kind of an Instagram binge, and followed a bunch of celebrities like Beyoncé, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga. When asked if he follows any women on Instagram, Bill Clinton was like, "All of them." ("When your girlfriend posts a photo, I'm the guy who writes 'NIIIICE'.")
Hey, if you're single you might want to check this out. There's a new dating site that's specifically for people who love Disney movies called Mouse Mingle. Yeah, guys who joined the site say they love it, while cops say their job has never been easier.
This isn't good. I just read that the world's most popular type of
BANANA is now facing extinction due to a fungus in Panama. Yeah, we're facing a
BANANA shortage. So I guess that means people really ARE just happy to see you.
And finally, this is pretty crazy. Some geologists have just announced that they are going to try and drill three miles beneath the ocean to break through the Earth's crust for the first time ever. Some say it could trigger a massive earthquake, while others say it'll all be worth it if we find a candy center. (Oooo! Nougat!)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.4.15
You guys, we are just three weeks away from Christmas! Which means you've only got three weeks to try to guess what your spouse wants, give up, then just get something YOU'LL wind up using. (FAKE) "Honey, I got you the new Air Jordans! Oh no, they might be too big, I'll just wear em."
That's right, Christmas is right around the corner. Which means any day now, Donald Trump should be tweeting out an insult to Santa. (TRUMP) "He's fat and old! And he uses illegal laborers!"
Here's the latest on Donald Trump. After
CNN said they would not pay him
THE FIVE million dollars he wanted to appear at the next debate, Trump said he would appear for free. Then he went back to saying what an amazing negotiator he is. (TRUMP) "I'll do it for five million. No? Zero? Ok I'll be there. Free is my final offer." He's an amazing negotiator.
And Marco Rubio recently attacked Trump's comments about making a peace deal between Israel and Palestine, and said that it's a lot harder than making a real estate deal. Even Israel and Palestine were like "Um, yeah, this IS a real estate deal... That's the WHOLE problem, it's the world's oldest real estate deal."
Some more news out of Washington. There was a big ceremony at the Capitol yesterday to unveil a marble statue of Dick Cheney. People said, "Wow, he looks so lifelike!" Then Cheney said, (CHENEY) "Actually, the statue is over there."
This isn't good. I read that Target's website crashed this week due to the flood of customers shopping on Cyber Monday. While Radio Shack's website crashed when one person googled "Radio Shack."
Check this out. Russia is planning to build a base on the moon where astronauts will live permanently. When asked if they really want to spend the rest of their lives on a barren, lifeless landscape, the Russians said, (RUSSIAN)"No, that's why we want to go to the moon."
I heard that Starbucks is now selling "bagel balls," which are basically donut holes made out of bagels filled with cream cheese. It's the most delicious food NO ONE will order because they're called "Bagel Balls." (SHEEPISH) "Yeah, I'll have a venti coffee and uh...(WHISPER) can I get a couple of those bagel balls? The uh...bagel things. The balls. The BAGEL BALLS alright?!"
