Below, check out highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. The show, hosted by Alec Baldwin and featuring music guest Ed Sheeran, was broadcast on February 11th.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "A new list of terrorist attacks released by the White House this week was riddled with spelling errors. Or there's been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism."
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "An appeals court unanimously upheld a suspension of President Trump's travel ban. But, I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Oh. Yeah. Minutes after the ruling President Trump tweeted in all caps, 'SEE YOU IN COURT!' Honey, you can't threaten federal judges with more court. And, you just lost in court. Trump's a guy that gets his ass kicked in an alley and then yells, 'Let's take this outside!!'"
CHE - "But then Friday, President Trump said he may just file a brand new immigration order, instead of appealing to the Supreme Court. Of course. Because nobody actually follows through on an all caps tweet. I once tweeted in all caps, 'I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.' And 3 days later, my account was disabled by
NBC for drunk tweeting at Meredith Vieira."
JOST - "While signing the new executive orders on crime, President Trump said, 'A new era of justice begins and it begins right now.' Then he spent 20 minutes struggling to get into a Batman costume."
CHE - "On Thursday the White House, quote, 'counseled' Kellyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump's clothing line on
FOX News. Counseled? Her job title is literally counselor to the president. So Trump's White House is so dysfunctional, his counselor needs a counselor. That's like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push."
JOST - "The Senate voted Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new confederate general. Sorry, Attorney General."
JOST - "Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986 over concerns of racism. But don't worry, if there's one thing that usually makes racists better, it's age."
CHE - "Newly confirmed Secretary of Education Betsy Devos was blocked from entering a school by protesters. You know, I can't remember this many people freaking out over cabinet positions. My white friend asked me, 'Can you believe they're putting Ben Carson in charge of the projects?' And I was like, 'There's somebody in charge of the projects?' Since when? Who the hell is he replacing? The Crips?"
CHE - "You know, the pace of this presidency is exhausting. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just the span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero, and a department store. Dude, pace yourself. Donald Trump can't keep this up. Not with that old bloated Kentucky Fried Chicken body. No wonder he's always cranky, he's probably gassy. Plus now every time he checks the internet, he's gotta see pictures of Obama in the Caribbean, getting his groove back. Obama's all tanned, getting henna tattoos. Meanwhile, Trump is force-smiling through a 30-second handshake with the Prime Minister of Japan like 'What the eff am I doing here?' It's sad. I hope Trump quits. I mean, Donald, is this really how you wanna spend the last two years of your life?"
CHE - "A new
COFFEE SHOP has opened in Brooklyn that will sell an $18 cup of coffee. Which only makes sense to me if it's served with a side of 15 damn dollars."
JOST - "An American woman set a new record by visiting every country in the world in 19 months. And after all that travel, she found the one thing that had been inside her all along. Zika."
JOST - "A Massachusetts couple whose son was born during the
SUPER BOWL has named him 'Brady.' And an Atlanta couple whose son was born during the
SUPER BOWL has named him, 'Son of a Bitch!'"
CHE - "A Cheeto that looks like the gorilla Harambe was sold on eBay for nearly $100,000. The buyer is actually a little like Harambe in that he also deserves to be shot."
