BWW Recap: A Very Special BACHELOR/Jimmy Kimmel Crossover Episode

Good evening Broadway Bachelor fans! Tonight there is a special guest on the show, none other than the brilliant and hilarious Jimmy Kimmel. So in lieu of a recap, I will just be posting the transcript of the show, since he basically made all the jokes you could ever make, and did it way better than I ever could. See ya next week!

Just kidding. I love healthy competition.

The episode opens with Jimmy waking up Chris (America's Favorite Farmer Bachelor (AFFB)) at the crack of dawn, and it looks as if Chris had no idea this was going to happen. Jimmy claims that he has seen every episode of the show, and instructs AFFB to wake up and get ready for the day. He then heads into the ladies' house, where he proceeds to call them "Sister Wives" and hand out the first Date Card of the week. He also drops off one of the best Bachelor inventions, The Amazing Jar. Every time someone uses the word "amazing," they are to put $1 into the jar. These girls already quit their jobs to be here, and now they're all but guaranteed to lose their life savings as well. So unfair.

The Date Card is for Kaitlyn, she of the breakdancing lesson and terrible jokes of the first night. The card promises a date at an exclusive club, with "vaulted ceilings and unlimited hors d'ouvres." The limo picks them up, and after driving excitedly down the coast, they pull up in front of...a Costco. Their disdain and disappointment is obvious, and to put the icing on the sheet cake for forty, there is a shopping list from Jimmy that includes such items as a tub of mayonnaise, a size 33 pair of jeans, and enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. I REALLY hope that ketchup comes back later.

AFFB and Breakdancing Kaitlyn make the most of it, and end up having a great time at Costco. I mean, it's basically a dream date. You get to buy lots of things with someone else's money and go jeans shopping for Jimmy Kimmel. What else could you want?? Oh, to make out inside of a giant blue blowup ball? Done! They purchase everything they need for dinner that night and head back to Chris's house to cook. If cooking involves pouring bourbon, then AFFB has found a winner in Kaitlyn. They share yet another kiss, which Jimmy interrupts with his arrival. Difficult questions, some slightly awkward moments, and hilarity all ensue, as Jimmy grills Kaitlyn on her feelings about the Fantasy Suite and Chris potentially sleeping around. She claims that she wouldn't be able to get mad because, "You can't take a car out without test driving it!" Oh, it's always fine in theory, Kaitlyn. Just wait until you're sloppy seconds or thirds or fifteenths and see how you feel then.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the Date Rose with some "help" from Jimmy, who finally leaves them alone to finish their date. Until hot tub time, this is.

PICTURE OF HOT TUB

The only bad thing about this date is that they will never have this much fun together ever again.

Back at the house Jillian is working out. I'll hold while you peel your shocked jaws off the floor.

Group Date time! Jillian, Kelsey, Ashley S, Britt, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Carly, Amber, Trina, Samantha and Nikki head off to a destination of Jimmy's choosing, which, after seeing the previous day's date, doesn't leave them much hope. It is, indeed, a farm, where he challenges the ladies to the "Hoedown Smackdown," which is really just his ingenious, not so subtle way of calling them all hoes without any of them realizing it. The Smackdown is a race that involves such farm chores as shoveling manure, drinking fresh goat's milk and wrestling greased pigs. You know, the normal farmer things. Jillian is ready to fight, ironically wearing a shirt that says "Stay Classy" and shorts that don't actually cover her buttocks. She puts up a good fight, but in true Musical Theatre form, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer is tougher than them all and wins the Hoe Crown competition. Her grand prize? A blue ribbon and and American Gothic stye photo shoot with AFFB. See girls, being the fastest hoe doesn't pay off in the end.

However, as soon as they reach the rooftop cocktail hour that comprises the second part of the group date, Carly steals AFFB away and attacks his face. Because, as she says, "You are a man and I am a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage." She has even lower standards for making out than I did back in college, and that's saying a lot. Am I right, Syracuse University Class of 2002??? And '01?? And '99 through......huh.

Anywho, cue the Chris Kissing Everyone Montage as he also kisses Amber and Jillian, culminating in poor little Mackenzie asking him why he's kissing everyone else when he has already kissed her. Normally I would react to this by yelling "WHY ARE THEY ACTING LIKE THEY'VE NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW BEFORE??" at my television without spilling a drop of my New Zealand sauvignon blanc, but seeing as Mac was literally 8 years old when this premiered, she gets a bit of a pass. Needless to say, she feels dumb and he sweats his way through his answer. Next, the lovely Becca gets a few moments with him, and wisely uses them NOT to kiss him. He is obviously impressed by this, as she ends up with the Date Rose that evening, much to Carly's dismay. I'm just disappointed that she didn't sing about it on her leetle teeny Karaoke machine. Cue the Bachelor/Branson Famous crossover episode!!!

Back at home, Whitney the Fertility Specialist Who Is Willing To Inseminate Cows and Pigs in Iowa gets the next one on one date! It's apparently Jimmy Kimmel-free, and they head to the Saddle Rock Winery in Malibu to have lunch and wine. As they luxuriate in the sun and their matching hot pink shirts, they notice a wedding going on down in the valley below, and Crazy Whitney suggests that they crash it! AFFB agrees, and after changing their clothes and buying a wedding gift (so thoughtful), they head to the reception to wine and dine and shmooze with people they have never met before. I'm unconvinced as it gets a little bit boring, but after seeing how fun they have together, just messing around and being spontaneous, I once again fall in love with the Chris-Whitney combo. He pulls a random rose from the nearest flower arrangement and asks her to stick around for a bit longer. Then he kisses her. Obviously.

We segue to Chris in his outdoor shower once again, but this time, he has a special guest. No, it's not Whitney after an impromptu overnight date. It's our very own Jimmy Kimmel. It is especially delightful watching them wash each other's backs, and once Jimmy is all cleaned up, he goes to the girls' house to tell them that instead of a cocktail party tonight, they are having a pool party IN ONE HOUR. The girls are panicked and RUSH to get ready. Yes, they are already in full hair and makeup, but they're not in their DATE version of full hair and makeup.

They converge on the pool in bathing suits that were obviously purchased while they were bored in the house and online shopping at Frederick's of Hollywood and decided to order together so they only had to pay one shipping fee, and the games begin! I'm starting to think that Jillian is actually wearing a black bar instead of shorts, as it is literally always covering her butt. Juelia pulls Chris aside to tell her heartbreaking story of her husband's suicide, and he once again proves to be a sincere and sympathetic man who truly cares about all of these women. Serious note: Depression is a real disease, and if you think for even a second that you might be depressed, ask for help. Don't ever be afraid or ashamed. There are more of us out there than you could ever guess. PSA over.

Jade didn't get a date this week, so she asks AFFB for a "tour" of his "house," which in Bachelor-speak means a "good look" at his "under the shorts." Or a kiss, which is what happens after they "test out" his "bed." No, seriously, they're just jumping on his bed. Muscle Lady Jillian gets the idea to wait outside in his hot tub, so she just happens to be there when they come out. She ends up waiting for quite a while, as Chris needs to stick his tongue down Jade's throat for a while first. Jade leaves Jillian and Chris for fear of being sucker punched, and there is an awkward showdown between Ashley I. and Jillian as they fight for alone time with their man. Ashley I. gets so upset that she drops her plastic wine glass down the driveway, which we all know is like the biggest party foul in THE BACHELOR Universe. I'm surprised she didn't get easten alive by a mob of angry ladies that ended up melting in the SoCal heat as they tried to lick every last drop of white zinfandel from the pavement.

Chris follows Ashley I. rather reluctantly, who first cries to him, and then attacks his face and body with her face and body as he desperately tries not to get caught in her tangle of head jewelry.

And just like that, it's Rose Ceremony time. Jimmy Kimmel makes a final appearance, and a bid for Chris Harrison's job (who is hopefully relaxing at one of those combination spa/mental institutions that they have out there). AFFB hands out roses to "Testing Out the Bed" Jade, "Who the Heck Are You" Samantha, Juelia, Baby Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, "Aggressive Dress" Megan (stole that from my fiancee), "I'm Always Auditioning for Hairspray" Carly, "Crazy Eyes and Brain" Ashley S., "You and Samantha Must Be Rooming Together Cause I've Never Seen You Before" Nikki, "I Will Literally Fight You For Him" Jillian, and....Ashley I. Going home empty-handed are "I Don't Like Talking" Amber, Teacher Tracy and Trina.

Next week, it seems we can look forward to some quality time with the normal-seeming Kelsey, a gaggle of girls in wedding dresses, and skinny dipping. See you then, friends! And like Jillian says, stay classy.

Photo Credit: Rick Rowell | ABC

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