BWW Late Recap: After Singing with The Skivvies Monday Night, Patti Murin Returns to Recap THE BACHELOR

Good morning, fellow Bachelor devotees! And I say that not because it's morning here (it's 11 PM on Tuesday and I'm SUPER late with this recap {Editor's Note: Patti was unable to recap the episode right away, because she was too busy singing in her underwear with The Skivvies! Don't believe me? Watch the video here}), but because the second episode opens immediately after last week's rose ceremony, which took place as the sun rose. It seems to be noon tomorrow as the girls give up on the whole "standing" thing and just sprawl out on the floor in their cocktail dresses. Kimberly, a yoga instructor from Long Island who Farmer Chris did NOT give a rose to, re-enters THE BACHELOR compound and begs Chris for another chance. She is convinced that he did not keep her because she didn't actually get to physically talk to him that evening. Yes, Kimberly, in order to advance on The Bachelor, you must make human contact with The Bachelor. Got it now? Great. You may stay.

Chris walks back inside with Kimberly in tow, which would normally create a major group temper tantrum among the remaining ladies, but they are just too tired to care. Someone who hasn't watched the show since 2002 makes the observation that "Chris won't play by the standard rules," and the gals go to get some sleep before the dates begin.

LET THE DATES BEGIN! Farmer Chris thinks that this is the greatest opportunity that any man in this world could possibly have. I tend to disagree, thinking that maybe finding the cure for cancer or walking on the moon or finding your car on the first try in a crowded multi-level parking garage would be slightly more rewarding, but hey, Chris gotta do Chris.

Host Chris visits the ladies and informs them that Farmer Chris will be living....right down the driveway! This is sure to lead to some dramatic moments and creepy stalking, and potentially the first time that a Bachelor has thrown himself off of Bachelor Mountain in a vain attempt to get away from the incessant screeching and squawking coming from the house next door. The first date card arrives with the message, "Show me your country," and invites Jade, Tandra, Ashley I., Mackenzie, Tara and Kimberl to spend the day with our Favorite Farmer.

And it's....a pool party!!!! After the requisite amount of splashing and flirting and refusal to get hair wet, the ladies jockey for time with Chris while simultaneously surrounding him in a Bachelor version of monkey in the middle. Chris very sweetly takes time with Kimberly and "re-introduces" himself to her, proving to me that he is a genuinely kind man, and might actually be here for the right reasons.

Meanwhile, back at THE BACHELOR compound, Megan and Jillian get the brilliant idea to sneak into Chris's house while he is out on the group date. I don't know that this is what the producers had in mind when they decided to leave his house unlocked 24/7, but the montage of Megan in Chris's motorcycle helmet ramming her head into every single hard surface in the house is reality TV gold. Needless to say, I am now Team Megan.

We catch up with the Group Date Gals as they sensibly walk around downtown LA in their bikinis. That's it. Just some ladies in bikinis out on display. They turn a corner and find...tractors! Trac. Tors. What did you expect? We couldn't possibly let go of the farm theme for a second! The girls are forced to have a tractor race to win special one-on-one time with Chris. Note: I joined a sorority in college and went through a fair amount of hazing, but if they had tried to make me race a tractor in a bikini in downtown LA, I would have walked out and never looked back.

In any case, the gals creep down the street in their tractors (today we all learned that tractors are veeeerrrryyy sllllooooowwwww), and Ashley I. (Freelance Journalist, loves belly chains) wins. Her alone time with Farmer Chris consists of sitting on his lap awkwardly as they balance atop a tractor. There is no kissing, and most likely no talking either. They rejoin the group, and there is a moment of silence as it becomes apparent that no one is drinking enough. (Producer: "Wait, the girls can't operate heavy machinery if they've been drinking? Okay, no more tractors on the show. Ever.")

Chris chooses Mackenzie to finish off the date with, and they stroll away as the remaining ladies try to console themselves. "Tara always walks away empty-handed," cries (you guessed it) Drunk Tara, who presumably finds her way to the bar to fill those empty hands with Jack Daniels and Jim Beam.

Cut to Farmer and Mackenzie as she describes herself as being "super, like, observant," and compliments his big nose and asks if he believes in aliens(!). The conversation turns to her big secret, and she nervously blurts out that she has a son. Well, actually, she says, "I have a kid," which, to me, is slightly less charming. Her son is a year old and named Kale, which makes me giggle, but could be a turn-on to a farmer.

My main problem with this whole moment is that Mackenzie seems incredibly hesitant to admit that she has a child, and like it may be viewed as a burden to Chris. She should be so proud to tell him that she birthed a freaking human being! He assures her that he is not afraid of kids, and she opens up a bit more and gushes about Kale. The kid, not the weird lettuce substance that everyone pretends to love. Farmer Chris ends up giving
her the rose, and he hugs her in a way that invokes memories of a father sending his daughter to the senior prom. Then he kisses her and it feels gross and I pause the show and wash my hands.

Back at the house, Megan receives the date card for the first one-on-one date, and has absolutely no idea what that means. Have to admire a girl who doesn't really give a crap! Then again, perhaps it was all that head banging in a motorcycle helmet. Mackenzie proceeds to act like THE 21-YEAR OLD that she is and spell out every single moment of the date, including that she kissed Farmer Chris 5 times. No, six times. No, five. The other ladies attempt not to explode with rage as Chris arrives to pick up Megan for their special day.

They pile themselves into a private jet and fly to Vegas, then take a helicopter trip over the Hoover Dam and down into the Grand Canyon for a picnic lunch. Megan opens up to Chris about her dad's passing immediately before she came onto the show, and I renew my membership to Megan's Fan Club. Chris agrees with me and gives Megan the rose before kissing her. Chris, you don't have to kiss every single girl you say more
than ten words to. Just FYI.

Back at the treehouse, the final date card arrives. The lucky ladies are Kelsey, Trina, Alissa, Tracy, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, and Britt. One of my favorites is left out as Whitney is forced to sit home and think about baby-making. The card says "Til death do us part," and the girls get ready to go hopefully not die
somewhere.

They pull up in their limos to what looks like an abandoned warehouse in the desert and suddenly, zombies are attacking the cars as they are locked inside. As I am deathly afraid of live action haunted houses, this is another moment where I would quit the show immediately and indefinitely. WORST. DATE. EVER.

Chris shows up to fight off the zombies, and informs the girls that they will be going "Zombie Paint-Balling." Come on, LA, is that all you have left?? Has The Bachelor/ette series literally used EVERY SINGLE good date idea within a four hour radius? Zombie paint-balling? Ugh.

The ladies strap on their guns and put on their game faces as Ashley S. continues her decline into Crazyville. Not understanding the rules of the (very simple-just shoot the zombies with your gun) game, it seems like perhaps she drank a whole bottle of champagne by herself on the way over to Zombieland, after drinking all day and taking a Xanax and a handful of caffeine pills. As a team, the girls scream their way through hordes of zombies. Ashley seems to forget that the zombies are actually just people with makeup on, and she shoots them repeatedly at close range (paging ABC's lawyers you've got a zombie lawsuit on your hands). They eventually exterminate the undead and toast to their victory. Chris takes Kaitlyn aside for a chat, and as they have said at
least twenty words to each other, she is rewarded with a kiss.

Meanwhile, Ashley S. is proving that she is literally the SNL character "Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With At A Party," spouting gems such as "Heard the truth. That's all. That's how I feel. Like, that's how I feel, like boom," and "Go. Go. Go find your own way to the truth." Chris has an especially bizarro moment alone with her, where she suggests they play hide and seek. Sure, Ashley. You hide, and I'll come "find" you. Chris tries to keep up, but eventually has to admit that this girl may have something legitimately off about her. He's in the middle of a confessional when she rolls up next to him with more wisdom, ending their time together with one of the best quotes of the night, possibly the season: "You don't wanna lose the whole world, right? But actually, you don't wanna gain the whole world." Huh.

Ashley says hello to the kitties before being escorted home prematurely, and Britt steals Chris for a few minutes of smiling, kissing, snuggling and angling for the date rose. He presents her with a card valid for a free kiss, which is kinda lame, since he's giving them out left and right to everyone else without a damn card. Her best efforts are not enough, as he ends up giving the rose to Kaitlyn.

And it's cocktail party time! Whitney didn't have a date with Farmer Man this week, so she pulls a fast one and creates their own mini-date, complete with his favorite whiskey from Iowa. Inside, Ashley I. is divulging to Mackenzie that she is, in fact, a virgin. Mackenzie is JEALOUS, and convinces Ashley that Chris is the kind of guy who will want to take her virginity. Yes, Freelance Journalist, go to the 21 year old for advice and a sensible confidence boost. Ashley takes Farmer Chris aside and grants him three wishes...if he rubs her belly button ring. He wishes for a kiss, and as it would be rude to deny the Belly Button Ring of Love, he plants one on her. This is enough for superconfident Britt to take a nose dive into the pool of Crazy Girl, and the tears start.

Seriously, has NO ONE seen this show before?

Random Amber kisses Chris, and his transformation from Farmer Chris to Slutty Farmer Bachelor Chris is complete. Jordan is wasted for the second time this episode, and attempts to throw herself at Slutty Farmer Chris, a plan which fails miserably as she slurs her way through her seduction attempt. Girls, girls. Don't you know about the two drink maximum? #PattiStanger

FINALLY, after what seems like an epic episode, it's Rose Ceremony time. Mackenzie, Megan and Kaitlyn already have roses, and Chris quickly gives the next few to Britt and her tears, Ashley I and her Belly Button Ring of Love, Trina, Kelsey and Samantha who I've never seen before. Chris next calls our "Juelia," but Jillian hears her own name and starts to come forward. As she realizes that she is NOT receiving a rose at this moment, she catches her heel on the carpet and slips. Thankfully, due to her massive muscle mass, she manages to stay upright and laughs at her blunder. Chris gives roses to Juelia, Amber, Tracy the Teacher, Jillian for real this time, Jade, Nikki who I've never seen before, Becca, Carly who I've never seen before, Whitney, and finally.....ASHLEY S!!! The girl who very possibly may have left her meds at home and is now paying the price for it! Everyone is in shock as we say goodbye to Drunk Jordan, Drunk Tara, Second Chance Kimberly, Tandra and Alissa.

Go to bed, ladies, cause Jimmy Kimmel is coming to visit next week!!!

Photo Credit: Rick Rowell | ABC

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