Student Blog: Battling Imposter Syndrome

Hey friends, we are nearing the end of the semester, finals week is fast approaching and deadlines are coming closer and closer everyday. For me, this means that my capstone project is due next week (typing that out makes me want to cry on the inside) and that I am now officially in tech week for a musical I’m in at my college called Yeast Nation. I am already so eepy but I also could not be more excited for this show and to share it with everyone.

Something throughout the rehearsal process that I struggled with a lot and something I don’t think is talked about quite enough is imposter syndrome and not feeling good enough. Feeling like there has been a mistake and I’m not meant to be here or in this show at all. That I don’t deserve to be here. I wanted to know more about what I was feeling so I looked up the definition of imposter syndrome and this is what I found on Oxford Languages: “the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.” While I don’t feel exactly like this, I feel some sort of assemblance of this. 

There are times when I would walk into rehearsal so excited and ready to go, then this voice in my head would creep in telling me that I wasn’t as talented as everyone else and that I shouldn’t have been cast in the role I was in. I don’t know why my brain does that. But I’d go to sing and get so scared. This also caused my nerves and anxiety to go up as well every time I was about to go onstage. Everytime I messed up the choreography or flubbed some notes when singing, that voice would start again saying that what I was doing wasn’t enough. I shouldn't be in the rehearsal room and there are so many other people who could have done this role better than me. These thoughts then caused me to second guess myself, and I would mess up even more and I’d get in my head. 

These thoughts and feelings really suck. This is my first musical that I have been in at my college and I know that is a big part of it. I get so much in my head and there are times when I don’t think it will ever stop or go away. I love rehearsals. I love getting to work on the show and seeing it all come together, and I got so sick of these thoughts of not feeling good enough getting in the way of that. And I don’t have the answer. I don’t know how to make these feelings go away. I still feel them, and we open on Thursday. But sometimes, something that helps me is taking a step back and realizing that I was cast in this show for a reason. The director, the music director, and the choreographer, would not have cast me if they didn’t think I was capable of doing this. That alone, trumps whether or not I think I can do it. Because they do. And who am I to say that the creative team made the wrong choice. They know I can do it. And I can. I’m going on year four of singy songy dancey school, I’ve had to have picked up a thing or two by now. In addition to this, realizing that yes, other people could have easily played the role I have, but no one can perform the role I have from my perspective or point of view. And I think that is pretty cool.

Cara Rose Dipietro often brings up this phrase that is something along the lines of whatever is meant for me, will not pass me by. This opportunity and experience was meant for me. And I am so so beyond grateful for this show. As silly as it sounds, I was meant to be a Yeast and I’m loving every minute of it. God’s timing is perfect and He doesn’t make mistakes. 

So yes, I still fall victim to feeling like an imposter, but once I get out of my head, I feel so much joy and love for the career that I am in and for the show that I’m in. Those few reminders are so comforting. We’re almost to the end of the finish line friends, we can do it. Go do great things.

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