Below, check out Quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON from May 11 - May 15:
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.11.15
I want to start off by saying Happy Belated Mother's Day to all of the moms out there! And I saw a lot of people posting old photos of themselves as a kid with their moms. Because what better gift to give your mother than a photo of how she USED to look, before you completely wore her down. So nice. Thoughtful. (Wow, you used to smile!)
And this is nice. In celebration of Mother's Day yesterday,
President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace were like, (KID VOICE) "Thanks, Obama."
Also this weekend, the Republican presidential hopefuls got together in South Carolina for something called the "Freedom Summit." And
Donald Trump kinda stole the show. In fact, he said, quote "I'd be the greatest jobs president ever." And if you don't believe him, you can watch his television show where he fires people for fun.
Carly Fiorina was also at the Freedom Summit. And she said, "Unlike
Hillary Clinton, I am not afraid to answer questions about my track record or beliefs." Then someone asked about her track record and beliefs and she said, (DISMISSIVE) "We're talking about Hillary right now." Let's stick to one thing.
And did you see this? During his appearance on
FOX Business, rapper Ja Rule said that he is voting for
Hillary Clinton. The people on
FOX Business thought that was ludicrous. They actually thought Ja Rule was the rapper Ludacris the whole time.
While most of the country is finally enjoying some warm weather, a snowstorm hit Colorado over the weekend, with Denver getting five inches of snow. Or as stoners put it, (STONER) "Whoa - how long was I asleep for?? (Did I miss Christmas??)" I hope Santa got me that new board. I hope he cleaned it! Maybe I traveled all the way back to the present.
This is sweet. I heard about a teenager in Indiana who took his 93-year-old great-grandmother to prom. The prom went well, although it got weird when she left with someone else. (OLD) "Don't wait up for me!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.12.15
That's the big story. It was announced yesterday that Tom Brady will be suspended for the season's first four games for his alleged role in the "Deflategate" scandal. Though the NFL says his punishment could be reduced if he commits a real crime.
Yep, Brady was suspended. He says he will appeal, but then again, when does Tom Brady NOT appeal, am I right ladies?
Let's get to some political news. I read that
Hillary Clinton has not answered any questions from the media in 20 straight days, while one potential opponent, Carly Fiorina has done 30 interviews in less than two weeks. Then Fiorina said, (NERVOUS LAUGH) "Well it's DEFINITELY not cuz I'm Hillary in a wig running against myself so either way I win. That is NOT what is happening!"
Speaking of the election. Many believe that Jeb Bush's strategy to delay his campaign announcement is actually hurting his chances of becoming president. When asked if the delay was affecting him, Bush was like, (REALLY LONG PAUSE) "It might be."
Yeah, Huckabee distanced himself from infomercials he's appeared in, saying, quote, "I don't have to defend everything that I've ever done." In a related story, that's EXACTLY what running for president is.
And some pretty big TV news here.
FOX announced yesterday that the upcoming 15th season of "American Idol" will be
the show's last. It was a sad day for
the show's alumni - in fact, I heard
Simon Cowell actually lowered his nipples to half-mast.
And did you see this? Starbucks announced that it's now selling a mini version of its Frappuccino, which holds two ounces less than its small size. But Tom Brady tried one and swears nothing is different. You can't even notice it.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.13.15
It's still this "Deflategate" scandal. Even the White House is weighing in. Yesterday, they encouraged Tom Brady to "be mindful of the way he serves as a role model." And then
President Obama stubbed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday. (OBAMA) "Do as I say, not as I do."
Yeah, the White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would've said more, but there was a drunk Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden. Get it together.
Some more news out of Washington. Senate Democrats blocked Obama's controversial trade bill yesterday, even though the President had sent in
Joe Biden to change their minds. Unfortunately,
Joe Biden thought he said to BLOW their minds, and just did a wheelie on his bike. It was pretty cool. ("Mission accomplished, Bro-sident!")
Yeah, Democrats blocked
President Obama's trade bill yesterday because they're worried it could hurt jobs. It's not an issue for Republicans, since they've all found work as presidential candidates. "I'm running too! We'll run together!"
And it was just confirmed that Obama's presidential library will be built in Chicago, instead of Hawaii. So if you're in Hawaii and you're at a library...I'm sorry you got in a fight on your honeymoon.
That's right, Obama's library will be built in Chicago, because it's where he quote, "became a man." In which case MY library would be built on the futon I had when I was 30...Five.
Big news for us here at
NBC this week. It was just confirmed that
NBC is working on a TV movie based on
Dolly Parton's song, "Coat of Many Colors." Yeah,
Dolly Parton's coming to NBC. I guess they looked at the lineup and said, "Eh - what's another giant bust?"
Some more entertainment news. I heard that
SPIKE Lee is making a musical comedy that features
Kanye West and
Samuel L. Jackson. And if you want to know what
Kanye West singing and dancing with
Samuel L. Jackson looks like - take a bunch of Nyquil after eating some Indian food.
And finally, Whole Foods is planning on opening a new chain of stores that carry lower priced natural foods aimed at millennials. Yeah, it's even got a catchy name: "Trader Joe's."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.14.15
You guys, we have both
Snoop Dogg AND
Bill O'Reilly on the show tonight! Or in other words, we have one guy who leans to the RIGHT, and another who passes to the LEFT.
Let's get to the news here. There are reports that
Hillary Clinton is adding people to her campaign team who will focus on preventing scandals. In other words, they just follow Bill around and say, (SCOLDING) "NO!" ("No, don't touch that! Put her down! No!)
And did you see this? In a new interview, R&B singer
Ne-Yo said that
Hillary Clinton is his favorite candidate, and that if he wrote a song about her it would be called "Superwoman."...You know, cuz calling the song "Red, White and Booty" would have been weird.
Speaking of Hillary. Her younger brother Tony is facing some criticism for using the Clintons' political connections to help his career. So on the downside, she has a sketchy brother named Tony; on the UPSIDE, she just locked up every vote in New Jersey.
(JERSEY MOBSTER) "Hey, I got TWO sketchy brothers named Tony! I like this lady! Don't worry about it. Forget about it."
Yeah, it turns out Hillary's brother could damage her campaign. But then Jeb Bush was like, "I think we all get a pass on who our brothers are." (You can't choose your siblings.)
And get this. I read that they're making a movie about Barack and
Michelle Obama's first date, called "Southside with You," and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young
Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the President has aged a lot but that young actor is
Morgan Freeman.
Hey, I wanna say congrats to Nick Fradiani, who won season 14 of "American Idol" last night. Obviously, he was very emotional when he won. He was like, "I'm gonna make my fans proud - or my name isn't...crap, even I'VE already forgotten my name. This is not a good sign."
Some business news here. I read that a hedge fund bought the RadioShack brand for 26 million dollars in a recent auction. Yeah, even
Snoop Dogg was like, (SURPRISED) "How high were THEY?"
And I thought this was interesting, there's a growing trend on Pinterest of something called "She Sheds" which is like a woman's version of a "man-cave." Yeah, they're called She Sheds. She shells she sheds by the she-shore. But it's cool, now moms will have their own space, dads have their own space, and kids will be like, (LOOKING AROUND) "Where the hell IS everybody?!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.15.15
You guys it's Friday! That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for President.
Yeah, the election's really heating up. And I saw that the CEO of Epic records hosted a fundraiser for
Hillary Clinton that was attended by Beyoncé, Meghan Trainor and
Sharon Osbourne. Or as Bill calls them, (CLINTON) "Definitely, probably, and I think I actually did."
And it sounds like Former New York Governor George Pataki may be entering the race for President. It's not definite, but yesterday he tweeted that he will announce his 2016 plans on May 28th in New Hampshire. Well what's he gonna do, go to New Hampshire to say he's NOT running? That's like getting down on one knee and saying, (ON ONE KNEE, PROPOSING) "I think it's time to see other people."
And did you see this? During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy's Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy's Country Ham House.
Yeah, he actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to "life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth."
