Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.8.15 Of course, history was made on Saturday, when American Pharoah became the first horse since 1978 to win the Triple Crown. And the Stanley Cup. And the NBA Finals. And the French Open. And somehow the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award. (He's an amazing horse.) That's right, American Pharoah easily won the Belmont Stakes to win the Triple Crown. The bad news: he forgot to wear his Fitbit to see how many calories he burned. (That's why he didn't hit his step goal that day.) Yeah, American Pharoah is the first horse since 1978 to win the Triple Crown. Or as his brother who pulls a carriage in Central Park put it, (SMOKER, BITTER) "Oh, another proud moment for Pharoah. Whoop-dee-doo!" (Yeah yeah, Tavern on the Green, comin' up.) It was actually a big weekend for sports. Last night, the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors in overtime to tie the NBA FINALS at one game apiece. LeBron said it was a huge win, and he couldn't have done it without the ball. Oh, and this wasn't good. On Saturday, Tiger Woods had a rough time at the Memorial Tournament in Ohio, where he shot an 85, which was his worst round ever. Or what most people who've ever played golf would happily call "my best round ever! Shot an 85, dude!" And in a recent interview, former Vice President Dick Cheney criticized President Obama saying, quote, "I've tried for a long time...to understand what makes him tick, and frankly, I don't know." Which is also what Cheney usually hears from his cardiologist. "I'm not hearing anything." Some more tech new here. Yahoo announced last week that after eight years of operation it's shutting down "Yahoo Maps." Also announced this week- there's something called "Yahoo Maps." Never heard of that. I would have tried it. And finally, I don't know why this keeps happening, but recently Minnie Mouse and Hello Kitty were arrested for brawling in Times Square. Parents were really upset, while kids were like, (HAPPY) "This is AMAZING!" ("Get her, Minnie!") Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.9.15 Let's get to some election news here. During a recent speech, Mike Huckabee said that he is the only person who has "fought the Clinton political machine and won." "You sure about that?" said President Barack Obama. (Pretty famously beat the Clinton political machine...) Yeah, Mike Huckabee said he is the only person that has "fought the Clinton political machine and won." As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who's the only person who fought a fax machine and LOST. (Where do you put the gas in this?) This was pretty big. Yesterday, Jeb Bush named a staffer from John McCain's 2008 Campaign, Danny Diaz as his campaign manager. When asked how this job will be different than it was with McCain, Diaz said (YELLING) "I NO LONGER HAVE TO-- sorry (NORMAL) I no longer have to yell. That's the big difference. Don't eat that, John!" And I saw that during a recent speech, Marco Rubio addressed criticisms that he's too young to run for president, and said that he has been around long enough to know what doesn't work. Which would've been more convincing if his voice hadn't changed right in the middle. (VOICE CRACK) "It's time to change, you've got to rearrange...moving on up!" And listen to this. In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said despite any conflicts, the west has "no need to be afraid of Russia." Although keep in mind, Putin said that as he was petting a tank. (PUTIN) "Who is good tank? Yes you are. Yes you are." Hey, I want to say Happy Birthday to Kanye West who turned 38 years old yesterday. And get this, to celebrate, Kim Kardashian rented out the entire Staples center so he and his friends could play basketball - complete with real refs, announcers, and an empty Staples arena. So, just like REAL Lakers games!Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.10.15 Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm Jimmy Fallon and if just one more of LeBron's teammates gets hurt, I'm their new power forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers! Man, what a game last night. The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to take a 2-1 lead in the NBA Finals. Yeah, the next time you'll see someone fighting this hard for Ohio won't be until next year's Presidential election. In addition to 40 points from LeBRon James, the Cavs got another big game from guard Matthew Dellavedova, who had 20. Then Dellavedova pulled off his mask and was like, "Psych. Still LeBron." Some news out of Washington. Yesterday, the Secret Service evacuated journalists from the White House press room during a security scare, but NOT President Obama. Which got worse when they said, "We forgot someone!" and ran back in to get their stripper. (INTO WRIST) "Cinnamon is safe. Repeat - Cinnamon is safe." And a bit of a SCANDAL here. This week, a picture was posted that shows President Obama on a balcony with the Italian Prime Minister, holding what looks like a pack of cigarettes. Obama would tell Michelle they were just CANDY cigarettes, but that would actually get him in even MORE trouble. They're kale cigarettes? Here's the latest on the election. I saw that later this month, Jon Bon Jovi and his wife are hosting a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton with tickets costing as much as 2,700 dollars. Yeah, so if Tommy works on the docks, and Gina works the diner all day... They STILL won't be able to afford it. I heard about a ranch in Colorado that offers "CAnna Camp," which is a marijuana-inspired resort that allows guests to smoke everywhere on its 170-acres. You can tell it's a weed camp, cuz instead of telling scary ghost stories, they tell job interview stories. (STONER, FLASHLIGHT UP TO FACE) "Did you ever hear about the time I had to wake up BEFORE NOON?" I heard that Starbucks may be phasing out cappuccinos after many began to notice it has disappeared from some stores across the country. Starbucks plans to focus on its best-selling menu items: milkshakes disguised as coffee.Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.11.15 Of course, tonight was Game 4 of the NBA Finals. And this is cool - there was this video online yesterday that showed LebRon James when he was just 16, talking about his dream of playing in the NBA. Which is interesting, cuz most of his teammates still HAVE that same dream. (They're still waiting for their chance.) And it was just announced that Olympic figure skater Michelle Kwan is now a full-time paid staffer on Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign. While Tonya Harding was hired to take care of any other Democrats who enter the race. And listen to this. Republican candidate Carly Fiorina said that if she becomes president, she wants people to be able to take out their phones and vote on ideas during her speeches. Which worked out well for people who already have their phones out during Carly Fiorina's speeches. Carly Fiorina also said that she doesn't personally support legal marijuana, but she respects states having the right to vote on it. Which backfired when stoners were like, (STONER) "Hey, Hillary's pretty cool after all!" And this is just crazy. According to a new survey, Lord Voldemort from "Harry Potter" actually has a higher favorability rating than most GOP candidates. Or in other words, "He who must not be named" is more popular than "He Who's Name I Forgot" and "What's Her Face." This was pretty big. I saw that Vladimir Putin traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Francis yesterday. And they say he should be done with confession by sometime next fall. (PUTIN) "Okay, that does it for people I poison. Now, on to people I choked...This could take while..." And in an interview yesterday, Vladimir Putin was asked if he had any regrets and he said quote, "God has built my life in a way that I won't have anything to regret." Then he admitted, (PUTIN) "I steal that from Kanye." A lot of people are excited about this. Pepsi recently hinted it would be bringing back the famous 90s soda, Crystal Pepsi. When asked when they'd start making Crystal Pepsi, executives were like, (LYING) "Oh, yeah, we are totally making new Crystal Pepsi, and NOT just blowing dust off unsold cases from 1992."Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.12.15 Of course, it's the NBA finals. Last night, the Warriors beat the Cavs to tie the series at two games apiece. But the big story was an embarrassing moment for Lebron. Before the game, LeBron accidentally flashed his privates to the TV audience as he adjusted his shorts. Yeah his teammates were like, "That's not what we meant when we told you to share the ball more." Over on the Democratic side, there are reports that Hillary Clinton's campaign is saving money by encouraging staffers to take discounted buses between New York and Washington. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders is actually Fed-Exing himself to every speech. Actually, during a breakfast yesterday, Bernie Sanders told reporters that his campaign will have plenty of money to compete for the Democratic nomination. Then he said, (WRITING DOWN ORDER) "And I'll be right back with your pancakes!" And I saw that many lawmakers on Capitol Hill wore seersucker suits to work yesterday, in honor of National Seersucker Day. In a related story, ISIS is still a huge problem you guys. "Dress up" day at the Capitol!) Oh and this isn't good. I saw that this week, J Crew announced that because of lagging sales, it's cutting over one hundred jobs. The laid-off employees aren't sure what they'll do next, so for now they're just going into public restrooms and asking strangers, (LOUD) "How are we doing in there?" And listen to this. A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk, when one of them suggested karaoke. And they could tell a chimp's REALLY drunk, when he texts his ex, "Oo-oo up?" And finally, this is kinda cool. I read that a company called "SensorWake" is developing an alarm clock that wakes people up using various smells like bacon, croissants and money. But if you wake up to all 3 of those smells now, congratulations on your one night stand with Guy Fieri.
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