Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, Week of 4/1

Below, check out quotables from NBC's "LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon" for the week of APRIL 1 - APRIL 5:

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Today was Opening Day for Major League Baseball! And it's a big deal here in New York. Yankees fans were like, "Let's win it!" and Mets fans were like, "Let's have fun out there!"

Actually, today was one of the coldest opening days in Major League history. You could tell it was cold because footlong hotdogs fit in regular sized buns.

You could tell it was cold because there were plenty of bad pitches, but no balls.

It was so cold, one guy charged the mound just to cuddle with the pitcher.

Some political news. President Obama is getting ready to unveil his new budget, nine weeks past its original due date. Or as his dog Bo put it, "Yeah yeah, I 'ate' the first draft. I know the drill.

Speaking of Obama, a group of priests, ministers and rabbis are calling on President Obama to stop the White House drone program. The priests, ministers and rabbis weren't planning on working together, but they happened to walk into in the same bar.

This is interesting. The National Zoo had to artificially inseminate its female panda after she and the zoo's male panda failed to mate. Though not surprisingly, the male panda still told his buddies they did it.

And finally, this is a crazy story. Last week, Justin Bieber had to leave his pet monkey with customs officials in Germany after he entered the country without the right paperwork. Yeah, officials told him, "You've gotta leave your little friend behind." Then the monkey said, "Sorry Justin, guess you gotta stay."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Last night, Lindsay Lohan went on Twitter and announced that she's pregnant, but it turns out that it was just an April Fool's Day joke. Most people laughed it off, while Us Weekly paid 10 grand for the baby photos just in case.

Yeah, Lindsay said she was pregnant but it was just an April Fool's joke. Weirdly no one was more relieved than that fake baby.

This wasn't good. Yesterday, President Obama shot baskets at the White House and only Made two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, "That guy needs to learn how to shoot."

Yeah, President Obama went only two for 22. It's tough times for Obama - one minute, he's asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling; the next, he's asking them to lower the hoop.

Hey, this was sweet. Yesterday at the White House Easter Egg Roll, President Obama comforted a 5-year-old boy who started crying. Some critics are claiming The Moment was staged. Mainly because the kid was like, "I just don't understand why John Boehner won't pass your budget."

Some big international news. After North Korea announced that it will restart a nuclear reactor, the U.S. Navy is sending a warship closer to North Korea. And if that doesn't get their attention, they're gonna send a Carnival Cruise ship.

Get this. Today, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie signed a new law that bans children under 17 from using tanning beds. Then the kids told Christie, "Fine - then stop blocking the sun."

Here's a crazy story. Yesterday, a Waffle House employee in Virginia was arrested for calling 911 and reporting a robbery as an April Fool's Day prank. Apparently the Cops already sitting at the counter were NOT amused. (Put that phone down. I went them smothered and covered)

And finally, today, a New York State senator was arrested for trying to bribe his way into New York City's mayoral race. Or as voters put it, "Eh. Who cares -- will he let me drink a Big Gulp??"

Hello! Welcome! This is Late Night with Jimmy Fallon...For now.

You guys probably heard the news - I'm going to be taking over the Tonight Show next February! But don't worry. Until February, our focus is right here on whatever this show is called.

Here's Some political news. President Obama will attend the dedication of George W. Bush's presidential library this month. Apparently there's still a lot of debris around the new building, or as Obama put it, "Don't look at me. I'm still cleaning up your last mess."

This is cool. Today is the 40th anniversary of the cell phone. Yeah, just 40 years ago you had to pull out a book to ignore someone. (Sorry I gotta read this.)

This is interesting. A new report found that despite the slowing economy, going to college is still paying off. Unfortunately, "still paying off" is what you'll be doing with your loans for the rest of your life.

And finally, on last night's episode of "Splash," former Playboy model Kendra Wilkinson quit the show because she was too afraid to dive off the 23-foot platform. Even worse, when Louie Anderson went to jump, the pool quit.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. American Idol is letting viewers use Twitter to pick the theme for an upcoming episode. Yeah, unfortunately the winning theme was "The Voice."

More TV news. NBC is moving "America's Got Talent" from New Jersey to New York's Radio City Music Hall. Right over here. Producers say it will bring more prestige and class to the show. You know, right before they audition the guy who does the national anthem with armpit farts.

Some political news. This week, President Obama announced a 100- million-dollar initiative to map the human brain. Biden said, "You could map mine for a lot less." (POINTS TO ONE SIDE OF HEAD) "Sponge Bob trivia." (OTHER SIDE OF HEAD) "Caddyshack quotes."

Here's a big international story. Today, North Korea's military announced that it has approved a nuclear strike on the U.S. They seem pretty serious, in fact they started faxing a warning to the White House. (It's coming through...definitely from somewhere that starts with an "N." It's N-O-R. Oh, it's a Nordstrom receipt.)

Get this. Dunkin' Donuts is testing a new breakfast sandwich that has eggs and bacon stuffed inside a glazed donut. Which goes with their new slogan: "America Runs Out Of Breath On Dunkin'"

And finally, a man in New Jersey was arrested for stealing 100 thousand dollars worth of perfume. Not good - I mean if there's one thing you don't want in jail, it's to smell pretty. (CELLMATE) "Let me tell you about my Obsession."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. It's finally here guys! Tomorrow is the start of the Final Four, with Louisville playing Wichita State and Michigan taking on Syracuse. Obviously, I'm a fan of all the teams; all The Players have worked so hard. So let me be the first to say: may the best Syracuse win.

Actually, this is a really big weekend. Saturday is the Final Four. Then Sunday you got Wrestle Mania. And Monday your girlfriend comes by to pick up her stuff.

And we gotta talk about this. The President is in a little trouble. During a fundraiser yesterday, President Obama raised some eyebrows when he called California's Kamala Harris quote "the best-looking attorney general in the country." Of course he said it was just a joke. Then Michelle was like, "Well, here's another one, what's black and white and sleeps on the couch?"

Yeah, President Obama said that Kamala Harris is the best looking attorney general while at a fundraiser. So hopefully, that fundraiser was to buy a really nice necklace for Michelle.

Oh man, I can't believe this. Target is facing criticism for selling a plus-sized dress in a color they call "Manatee Grey." Customers were like, "What are you trying to say about us?" While manatees were like, "What are you trying to say about us?"

And I think this is a little ridiculous. Delta announced that it is shrinking the size of its bathrooms to add four more seats on every plane. Cuz every time I'm in a plane's bathroom, I always think: "Man, they could fit at LEAST three more people in here."

Yeah, you can tell Delta's bathrooms are getting smaller on planes because the sink comes with toilet paper.

Yeah, Delta will have smaller bathrooms. And if you think that's bad, Southwest is just handing out Depends.

And finally, a new study found that Thor has become a popular baby name. You know, as in, "Why won't anyone marry my daughter Thor?



Related Articles View More TV Stories

From This Author TV News Desk