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Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che


Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

Check out highlights from this weekend's SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE weekend update:

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "In a stunning turn of events, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has agreed to meet in May with Donald Trump or whoever's president in May. Trump would be the first sitting U.S. President to meet with the leader of North Korea. And it's also gonna be the first time where both translators start every sentence with: 'Okay, so what I think he said was...' I just love that there's a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance, and we're putting our lives in the hands of the only two guys connected on Dennis Rodman's LinkedIn page."

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "Experts warn that the talks between Trump and Kim Jong Un would be risky because 'well duh.' Best case scenario they'll realize they're both crazy and become best friends like that movie, 'Step Brothers.' But more than likely, Donald Trump is gonna realize that he's just Twitter crazy, and Kim Jong Un is crazy-crazy. There's a big difference. One guy trolls Oprah online, and the other guy murdered his uncle with a canon. This could be the greatest episode of 'Scared Straight' ever. What do you think Trump's gonna say at dinner when they tell him he's eating disrespectful limo driver?"

JOST - "And in this week's Presidential porno recap: Trump's personal lawyer Michael Cohen, who's definitely a candidate for friend of the year, said that he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels. Can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a porn star? The best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with Stormy, Trump saw another porn star and was like, 'She's pretty cute too.' And Cohen's like, 'Dude, I'm gonna lose my house.'"

CHE - "Gary Cohn has resigned as the White House's top economic advisor. Cohn hopes to work somewhere a little less chaotic than the White House. Like, I don't know, a Walmart on Black Friday? In response to his resignation, the Dow Jones fell more than 300 points. Now 300 points sounds like a lot, but keep in mind I have no idea what the hell the Dow Jones is. I react to the Dow the same way I react to my boys when they tell me they're about to have a kid. I'm like, 'Whaaaat...? How you feel about that?'"

JOST - "This week it was revealed that in January of 2017, a secret meeting took place in the Seychelles between a Trump associate, an official from the United Arab Emirates and a Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin. Sounds innocent. At least with all this Mueller stuff we're learning a lot about geography. Trump at this point is basically Carmen Sandiego, only he wants to deport everyone with a name like Carmen Sandiego."

CHE - "President Trump met with executives from the video game industry to discuss the connection between violent video games and shootings. I don't know. I grew up playing 'Mario Brothers.' But I never had the urge to curb stomp a turtle. Though I did grow up with a kid that played 'Pac Man' all day. And now he's addicted to pills and sees ghosts everywhere."

CHE - "McDonald's celebrated International Women's Day by turning its golden arches upside down. Not to be outdone, In-N-Out changed its name to 'Adequate Foreplay.'"

JOST - "Also in honor of International Women's Day, BARBIE has released a new Amelia Earhart doll. It's the only BARBIE that's gotta be around here somewhere."

JOST - "Three daycare workers in Chicago were arrested for giving gummy bears laced with sleep-inducing melatonin to a class of two year-olds. Worse, they woke them up with cocaine."

CHE - "West Virginia lawmakers reached a deal with public school TEACHERS to end their strike and give them a five percent pay raise. Good. Nobody's more underpaid than public school teachers. You ever see a faculty parking lot? TEACHERS drive cars made by companies that don't even make cars. My dad is a public school teacher. He drives a '97 Frigidaire."

JOST - "A family in Australia has discovered what is believed to be the world's oldest message in a bottle, which was thrown into the sea over 130 years ago by a then middle-aged Bernie Sanders."

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