BWW Recap: SURVIVOR- BLOOD VS WATER Finale 12/17; Full Results!

Alright, folks. Let's just cut right to the chase. Tonight's the SURVIVOR finale, and as I look back on the last 12 episodes, I feel more underwhelmed than nostalgic. I'm not saying the nothing happened this season, but...it kind of feels that way, doesn't it? A little bit? Usually I approach the finale with some sense of the contestant I'd like to win, or at least of the one I definitely don't. This year...I don't really care. And it's not because each of the remaining survivors deserves it; it's because they've all played this game at the same level of eh-ness. Should Baylor win? Eh. How about Missy? Eh. Jaclyn? Ehhhhh.

The only one left who maybe deserves it a little more is Natalie, who finally made her big power move last week--better late than never, I guess. Would Jon's blindside be enough to sway the jury? It might be. Even Jon seemed to appreciate it as a great game move. On the other hand, Keith proved to be weirdly formidable in the immunity comps, so that could be something for the jury to consider, Wouldn't that be a kooky final two: Keith vs Natalie. Now I kind of want it.

Are you ready for tonight's SURVIVOR finale? Who do want to win the million dollars?

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8:03 Oh my gosh, remember when Coyopa couldn't win anything? Ha. Good times, man. And when Hunahpu lost the flint? Geez. Some silly things went down this season.

Oh, Keith. "Bet you're surprised to see me again, ain't ya?" Um. Yeah. Just a little bit. And as a side-note, how are both Missy and Baylor still here? Like, who thinks that's a good idea?

An ode to Jaclyn: Boo. Hoo. Hoo. I'm so.over.you.

8:14 Missy just laid it out right there: between her and Baylor, they have two chances at a million bucks. So I repeat, how are they both still here? Doesn't anyone else realize that? Why would anybody want to go to the final three with them? It make-a no sense!

Look at Keith rockin' another comp! That's a little awesome, isn't it? HE WON! That's crazy. Who would have predicted that this guy would win so many competitions? That's great. I'm a Keith fan. Compared to who's left, anyway.

Woah, Live Papa Probst, stop teasing me. Between those steak fries and that garlic bread, I'm feeling might hungry right about now. And oh wow, for a fleeting moment, I really thought he was gonna tell that mini Survivor wannabe that next season was gonna be a kids' edition. Phew. Crisis averted.

8:29 Did anybody else see that, like, yellow porcupine thing??? Like, actually yellow? No? Just me? Am I hallucinating?

Goodness. Even I'm getting frustrated just watching Keith practice for this challenge.

8:36 Okay, y'all, I really need Natalie or Keith to win this immunity comp. If it's Jaclyn, I may actually vomit.

Welp, 10 seconds in, and this doesn't seem particularly promising. Gosh, Keith, what were you up all night practicing for? Get your head in the game, buddy! WOW, there he goes! Wow, okay, look, this guy is somethin' else. None of the girls even came close to beating him. That's awesome. Yay, Keith.

8:51 HAHA, KEITH, what are you, DRUNK? Your mind starts to go on the 38th day or whatever, eh??

Well, well, well, check Baylor and her chutzpah. Hey. Nat. You know that immunity idol? Play it for my mom. Um. How about no. Really, if Natalie uses that idol on Missy, that may be one of the dumbest moves of this game. Don't do it, Nat.

WOOOOOOOOOAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. WAIT. WHAT. #BLINDSIDE. WOAH. GUYS. THIS IS LEGIT. WOW. GUYS. THIS IS NUTS. OH MY GOSH. BEST MOMENT OF THE SEASON RIGHT THERE. FINALLY. NATALIE FOR THE WIN.

Shout out to Baylor for pulling a Jon and acknowledging how AWESOME that move was. Two power plays back-to-back. Somebody get that girl a million dollars!!

9:07 I guess I feel a little bad for Missy. I mean, she and Nat are bffs, so that's gotta be hard. But at least she genuinely seems to understand why Natalie did it. That's nice. Oh well.

The only bad thing about Natalie's move is now Jaclyn can walk around camp all smug-like. All, "hehe, I'm still heeeeeeere!" Ugh. Can't stand you. Please show yourself out.

They just love their puzzles on this show, don't they. That, and raisin' flags. All about the flags.

Nothing pleases me more than watching Jaclyn fall so far behind in this challenge. Ha ha. Actually, watching Natalie totally own it is pretty sweet too. Wait, no! These stupid puzzles! Come on, Nat! Bring it home! NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Oof. Wait. Eesh. That actually sounded like it hurt. Welp. That's too bad. Ugh, seriously?

9:26 Jaclyn better take Natalie to the final three, after what she just did for her. I mean...Goodness. And actually, Natalie really has the advantage of having no ties to anyone on the jury. Both Keith and Missy already have a guaranteed vote in the final, from Wes and Baylor, respectively. Nat's got nobody!

Oh. My. Gosh. I will be absolutely livid if Natalie goes home. Livid. Literally, if she goes home, I'm done with this entire game.

PHEW. Well, I'm pretty sad that Keith won't make it to the finals, because he's really the only other one who deserved it, but I was really worried about Natalie for a hot second. But now it's just so clear who should win. Like how could Missy or Jaclyn possibly hope to compete with Natalie? I mean, really now. Just go home.

9:41 I guess it's pretty cool that three women made it to the final. I just wish they...ugh...deserved it more.

Oh Natalie. I don't think there's much you have to do to convince that jury. It'll be more interesting to see what Jaclyn and Missy come up with for themselves.

Remember back in the day when they used to do those dopey homages to all the fallen survivors? Like find some isolated spot in the woods or on a mountain and just reflect? Yeah. I don't miss that.

Sheesh, Missy. Your biggest claim to fame this season is loyalty? Um. NEXT. Hmph, shockingly, Jacyln's not much better. WAIT, she actually thinks she's still standing...because of herself...? No. False. It was Natalie, and only Natalie. Here we go, saving the best for last. It's so obvious who the winner is here. It's almost like why are we even going through this charade? Just give her the monehhhhh.

9:52 I can't believe Jon just asked Jaclyn to explain one power move that was all her. Doesn't he know that she doesn't have one?!

Oh, Keith, no! Don't be bitter!

Aw, Baylor. That was sweet. I don't think it'll help your mom's case at all. But that was a nice little moment. Swelling background music and all.

JEREMY, MY LOVE, I MISSED YOU. YOU SPEAKETH THE TRUTH. The best player needs to win this game. And the best player is clearly Natalie. Boom. Mic drop.

WOAH, REED. Wow, oh wow. This was all going so nicely. Everyone was getting along, it was all sunshine and rainbows, then BAM. #wickedstepmother.

10:09 Wait, did Reed just vote for Jaclyn? That is actually stupid. I'm sorry. Legitimately stupid. That makes absolutely no sense. Especially when the one "power move" she claimed to have WAS GETTING RID OF JOSH.

Ha, I love the image of Papa Probst walking from Nicaragua to California. How charming. Athough I do miss the days when he would hop on a jet ski or climb into a helicopter.

If Jaclyn wins tonight, so help me. That would just infuriate me. Come on, Nat!

YES! And just like that, another sole survivor is crowned, and thank the reality TV gods, the right woman won. Atta girl, Nat!

That's all folks! Thanks for watching Season 29 with me! What did you think of the finale?

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Photo Credit: CBS