Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON
Below, check out quotables from"THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON" MARCH 31 - APRIL 4!
It's such an exciting day. Everyone's wondering who's gonna get the first hit, who's gonna hit the first home run, who's gonna take the first urine test. So much going on.
Of course, the other big sports story right now is March Madness. The Final Four was set last night; with Connecticut taking on Florida, and Wisconsin taking on Kentucky. Meanwhile Duke will be taking on a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
Actually, Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. Completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today, Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin. (You're welcome to visit Crimea anytime.)
But here's some good news for the President. I saw that this weekend was the four-year anniversary of President Obama's "Race to the Top" program to help schools boost their performance. The President says he's pleased with program, while students were like, "It gone good."
More political news. During a recent trip to New Hampshire, Joe Biden refused to answer any questions about his plans for 2016. He said, "2016? I don't even know what camp I want to go to THIS summer!"
This was really big over the weekend. Pope Francis made news when he actually went to confession himself. The pope going to confession! When asked who he confessed his sins to, he said, "Duh - Oprah."
And I thought this was great. Elton John and his partner David Furnish have announced that they will get married in May now that gay marriage is legal in England. And I know what you're all thinking - Elton John is GAY? (Big time.)
Everybody's talking about that big climate change report that was issued by the UN today. And it's really hitting home for a lot of people. In fact, I just saw that California is having to drive 30 million salmon to the ocean because this year's drought has dried up the rivers that normally get them there. Unfortunately, to make the salmon comfortable, the truckers had to drive AGAINST traffic.
And this is interesting. Today the federal government unveiled new safety guidelines that will require all new cars to have those rearview cameras by 2018. "Rearview cameras", or as that was called in our station wagon growing up, "Jimmy". (DAD) "Stick your head out the back and see if I'm gonna hit anything!
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.1.14
But it was a pretty good night for ice dancer Meryl Davis, who got a 39 out of 40, while her Olympic partner, Charlie White, got a 36. Which would be fantastic scores if they weren't professional dancers competing against Drew Carey. (Our comedian friend.)
And this is too bad. Our pal Billy Dee Williams had to leave "Dancing With the Stars" because he was having back pain. Which is weird, because I thought his partner was the one who did all the heavy lifting.
Well, yesterday was the big deadline to sign up for Obamacare. And the White House seems very happy. They said that 7 million people have signed up. When asked how many people TRIED to sign up, they were like, (MUFFLED) "30 million." What was that? "Nothing, everything was a big success, don't worry." Oh, it must be windy in here.
Yeah, the White House says it's surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. Man, it's amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months. (It's a Cinderalla story.)
If you still haven't enrolled, you might have to pay a penalty called the "individual shared responsibility payment" which is one percent of your salary. Then Americans said, "Man - good thing I don't have a job!"
Of course, Obama's still got his hands full with Russia. And get this. Officials in Finland say that the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Putin calls that, (RUSSIAN) "Window Shopping." (That guy scares me.)
Of course the other big news this week is that big Climate change report from the UN. Experts are very concerned. In fact, they're saying that climate change could start threatening the world's supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans were like, "Okay, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets." (Then we have an issue.)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.2.14
Well, the White House is very happy today. They finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a big press conference and said this means that Obamacare is quote "here to stay." He said, "Cuz if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT." (It's literally impossible. We haven't even STARTED that website yet. It's gonna harder than getting out of Netflix.)
And this is pretty unbelievable. A lot of people talking about this. There's a kid here in New York, a high school senior, who has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seriously? I can't even NAME all eight Ivy League colleges. Harvard, Yale, Hogwarts, University of Phoenix? Whatever, I couldn't get into any of those either.
Yeah, he was accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Even his parents were like, "Nerd."
Hey if you're headed to Vegas soon, you might want to check this out. Las Vegas just opened the world's tallest Ferris wheel, which is 550 feet high. Yep, they say it's the perfect place to take your kids...then leave them while you hit the blackjack table. (That should take a few hours.)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.3.14
The big news is that House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a "stinkburger" and a "meanwich." Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches.
And our good pal, Rob Ford is at it again. Get this, yesterday he was the only member of Toronto's city council to vote "no" on a measure to congratulate Canada's Winter Olympians. Yeah, he said, "If someone's gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me."
Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, "Been there."
Check this out. Tomorrow, George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various WORLD leaders. He was going to include a painting of Bin Laden, but he couldn't find it.
Listen to this. A new study found that vegetarians actually have a lower quality of life than people who eat meat. In fact, the only people who had a worse life than vegetarians were vegetarians' spouses. (Honey, it's Yamburger night! I'm servin' 'em cold! (Hurry up, the lettuce buns are getting warm!)
And finally, more big news out of Canada. There's a restaurant up there that has started selling pizza that's infused with marijuana. Then Rob Ford said, "Now THAT I voted for."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.4.14
Of course the big news is that yesterday, David Letterman announced that he is retiring from "The Late Show" in 2015. I couldn't believe it. And neither could my parents. They were like, "Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now." ("What time is Arsenio on?")
And we have the Final Four this weekend. Very exciting. Florida taking on Connecticut and Wisconsin taking on Kentucky! And this is interesting, I saw that Kentucky has a pair of identical twin brothers on their team named Aaron and Andrew Harrison. Or as their teammates call them, "Hey, man!" ("Big A! What's up?")
This is cool. President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, "I won't rest until all you guys can get married."
And Hillary Clinton was in the news yesterday. She made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treats powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported most places, "Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut."
Of course another big story right now is the ongoing conflict with Russia. And now, McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, (PUTIN) "Is good to hear - even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib." (SINGING) "Ba da ba ba ba...you will be loving it!" (You have to love it.)
Oh did you see this? Yesterday at the Vatican, Queen Elizabeth met with Pope Francis for the first time. Yep, the Queen gave the Pope a bottle of whiskey, while the pope gave her a small stone globe. In other words, each of them forgot they were meeting, and ran to the nearest gift shop at the airport. (QUEEN) "Thank you so much for the keychain. And the...John Grisham novel. And a giant Toblerone! They don't sell these in stores."
Check this out. Scientists in Colorado are saying they've created the world's most accurate clock. But since it's Colorado, the clock just says "It's 4:20 somewhere!"
I don't know if you guys play the lottery or not, but I saw that a man in California named B. Raymond Buxton came forward this week as the winner of February's big Powerball jackpot. 425 MILLION dollars. And this is true, when he claimed his prize, he was wearing a shirt with a picture of Yoda saying "Luck of the Jedi I have." Or as Single Ladies put it, "Eh, still not worth it."
There were no injuries this week when an 84-year-old woman in Florida accidentally crashed her car into a CVS pharmacy. Yeah, the woman caused 65 thousand dollars worth of damage. But actually it's only 64 thousand since she had her CVS Card.
It was a lot of damage, but fortunately, they were able to patch up the hole using just one receipt from CVS. (READING RECEIPT, PATCHING UP HOLE) "We bought a...pack...of...gum. There you go!