Below, check out monologue quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON:
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.2.15
This weekend was the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, which featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from "Duck Dynasty." Yeah, it was a good weekend for conservatives - and a GREAT weekend for wild animals. "Dude!! It's safe to go out again! They're all in one building!"
During the conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that's how term limits work. (We know Obama can't run again. So lets focus on something else.)
And RNC chairman Reince Priebus criticized
Joe Biden, saying that he can't control his mouth. You know kinda like someone trying to say the name Reince Priebus. (Sounds a drunk person trying to say "rented Prius.")
That's right, Reince Priebus took a shot at Biden and said he can't control his mouth. Then Biden was like, "That's what she said!" Sorry! Why do I keep doing this? I can't control it."
And yesterday,
Kanye West revealed on Twitter that his upcoming album will be named "So Help Me God." Or as Kanye calls it, "Self-help."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.3.15
It's another
SCANDAL for
Hillary Clinton. Now they're saying she may have used a private email address when she was Secretary of State, which means the government couldn't archive and preserve her emails. Then Obama was like, (OBAMA) "Oh don't worry, we saw them." ("We see EVERYONE'S emails.")
Yeah, it was just revealed that
Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she...will still be President. Who are we kidding, c'mon?
And did you see this? The artist who painted an official portrait of
Bill Clinton just revealed that he included a shadow in the background to represent the Monica Lewinsky scandal. And this morning, Clinton saw the shadow, which of course means six more weeks of Spring Break.
And this was big news. Today Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech to Congress. And apparently, the speech aired in Israel with a five-minute delay, so Israelis had to wait five minutes to hear what their president was actually saying. Or as American's call that "Watching Obama live. (OBAMA) "Every speech...I make...takes...three hours...Now look..." Get to the point!
This is interesting. According to a new survey, 63 percent of millennial Republican voters believe that marijuana should be legalized across the country. Marking the first time Republicans have ever wanted to pass something to the left.
Some international news. Although Russia's economy is still struggling and tensions are high in Ukraine, a new poll shows that Vladimir Putin's approval rating is at 86 percent. Which sounds high until you consider there's also an 86 percent a Russian will be murdered if they answer that survey wrong.
Some TV news.
CBS has extended Judge Judy's contract through the year 2020. It's good to hear she'll have a job - cuz when you're unemployed, the only thing to do is watch "Judge Judy."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.4.15
The White House announced yesterday that
Michelle Obama is going to Japan and Cambodia this month to encourage education for girls. As opposed to the program we have in AMERICA that encourages girls to get an education: "The Bachelor."
Of course, the big story out of Washington is Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's speech to Congress, where he was very critical of
President Obama - and I saw Republicans actually gave Netanyahu a standing ovation. Crazy, normally the only time Republican congressmen clap that hard is when they're trying to turn off their lights. (SING) "Clap on! Clap off!"
And during an interview this week,
President Obama said that he wants the United States to establish an embassy in Cuba by April. When asked if Cuba would establish an embassy HERE, he said, (OBAMA) "What the hell do you call Miami?"
And I saw that
Joe Biden will speak to the nation's largest gay rights group during a human rights convention on Friday. Then on SATURDAY, he is scheduled to speak to them AGAIN to apologize for whatever he said in FRIDAY'S speech. Looking forward to that this weekend.
Some more political news. During an interview this week, billionaire Warren Buffett said that he would bet money on
Hillary Clinton becoming the next president of the United States. Then he said, "Of course I'm a billionaire, so I'd probably bet money on a turtle being able to moonwalk. What do I care, I'm rich! I don't really care about spending money."
A little entertainment news here. I heard that
MAC Cosmetics is launching a line of makeup that's inspired by the new live-action "Cinderella" movie. Because what girl doesn't want make-up inspired by a story where the woman turns into an ugly loser at midnight? It's just a great story.
This made me laugh. Police in Nebraska arrested a man after they pulled him over and found a container of weed marked "not weed." Or as the man put it, (STONER) "Ohh, THAT'S where it was! I didn't look there cuz it said 'not weed'!"
Oh, speaking of marijuana, I just read about a DEA agent in Utah, who is warning the state Senate against passing a medical marijuana bill, because it could cause rabbits near marijuana farms to become addicted to pot and lose their natural instincts. Rabbits were like, "You mean our natural tendency to eat and have sex and act super paranoid all the time?" (I'm not sure a little weed is going to change anything.)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.5.15
I hope everyone here in the audience is comfortable. Cuz with this snow, there's a good chance that none of us are EVER leaving. So get out your sleeping bags. You're staying over!
Let's get to some news. Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, "Thanksgiving Dinner." I get it, Dad. You don't get it.
Yeah, the crowd went crazy - while Biden said, "Looks like I'm gonna have to pull a Mrs. Doubtfire!" (Already got the dress and the wig!) (DOUBTFIRE) Hellooooo! I'm running for President!
A woman president. Then
Chris Christie said, "Would you settle for someone who just wears a bra?"
Oh, this is a little scary. There are reports that Russia is actually working with North Korea to encourage "collaboration and cooperation" between the two countries. Yeah, they believe that with Russia's economic power and North Korea's technology, they can be a real threat to 1987.
And some cool tech news here. Researchers have recently debuted a contact lens that can zoom in on something with the wink of your eye. At least I think they did, the researchers kept saying "I invented this new lens. It's really great."(WINKS) "Wait, did you or didn't you?" "No, I did" "It's fantastic."
"Everyone's gonna want one." (WINKS) Huh?
