BWW Recap: Prince Farming Chooses, Major Twist Announced on BACHELOR Finale

Hello, Bachelor fans! We meet again under bittersweet circumstances, as this is the finale episode this season. After three (three!) hours of programming, we will find out who Chris chose, if she chose him back, how the loser feels, and how the winner feels about their future husband shaking his booty in sparkly leotards on Dancing With the Stars. I rushed home from a long day out in NYC, and now I'm settled on the couch sans bra and pants shoes, eating a lovely meal of a microwave burrito with paper towel stuck to it cause I overheated it food. Let us journey to Iowa one final time...

The official definition of the word "dramatic" is "of or relating to drama or the performance or study of drama." This is not at all helpful, so we'll just have to trust Chris Harrison that this episode is truly "The Most Dramatic Finale Ever." We open on the live studio audience that has assembled in Los Angeles to watch this fine piece of art (why wasn't I invited??), and Host Chris assures us that the next two hours will be so shocking that we will all be talking about it tomorrow morning. Notice how he didn't say tomorrow afternoon, since by that time Chris and his Fiancee/Future Farmer-ess will be forgotten by the general viewing population at large. The fun begins with Chris walking across a snowy field in Iowa as he contemplates his future. In his own words, "I could go in either direction." Exactly what I want to hear from the man I love two days before he proposes to me.

Whitney is first up to meet the Soules clan, and naturally, she charms the pants off of them. If only she could charm them into getting better haircuts. Dinner entails declarations of love and many happy tears as she honestly and very coherently tells them how she feels about Chris. She sits down with The Sisters and proceeds to make them cry enough to water all 800 acres of Chris's farms. She has absolutely no hesitations about moving to Iowa, and once again emphasizes how she can't wait to have a family. The Sisters are so smitten that they immediately put their heads together and brainstorm for cute little foursome nicknames, as "Destiny's Child" will no longer cut it. Pretty sure the scary one called shotgun on Beyonce and no one fought her for it. Ooh, now they can finally be the "Sex and the City" ladies! Scary one claims Samantha. No one fights.

Whitney then sits down with Chris's mom, who is the real star of this episode. A warm, firm yet loving woman, she immediately takes to Whitney, especially as Whit says, "I have been waiting to call someone mom and to call someone dad." Tears may or may not be present on my face as she says goodbye to Chris with this instantly classic Bachelor line: "Don't you dare forget how much I love you." I'm dying.

The next day, Becca shows up to meet the family with a tray of grocery store cookies and a vacant smile. They are understandably hesitant to meet her, as The Sisters Formerly Known As Destiny's Child have already bought Whitney a baby tee that says "I'm A Charlotte," but they manage to rally. Becca is lovely as usual at dinner, and even manages to make them laugh, but sees no problem being completely honest with The Sisters Formerly Known As Destiny's Child about how she will not be moving to Iowa until she is absolutely sure that she and Chris are in love. Becca echoes the sentiment when she has her One on One Date with Chris's mom, who valiantly tries to crack Becca's robotic persona and make her feel something. Like, anything. The Sisters Formerly Known As Destiny's Child express concern to their bro, who basically says, "I just like her, okay? Just leave me alone! GEEZ."

(It should be noted here that while Googling Chris's hometown, I run across a calendar created by the citizens of Arlington called "The Other Bachelors of Arlington." Obviously I bought one. The following photo is Mr. April.)

It's finally Final Date time! Chris goes to Hotel Julien in the city of Dubuque, Iowa to hang out with Becca and grill her about her (non) feelings for him. It's a heartbreaking few moments as the entire country instantly sees what Chris refuses to: Becca is just not that into him. She flatly declares that she is excited to be with him, even though it will be a long distance relationship, and soullessly (Soulelessly! Get it??) says, "All I know is that I want you." Somehow this is enough for him, he vows to figure it out, and against her very best judgment, the words "I can't wait" somehow make it out of her automaton mouth. That probably isn't proper grammar, but you try finding a billion different words for "boring" or "robot."

The next day, Chris meets Whitney at his farm so they can...pick corn! She acts like he just told her that a Starbucks is opening up less than 56 miles away and catapults herself into the big corn picking machine that I think they call a combine. The Sisters Formerly Known As Destiny's Child have obviously had an effect on Whitney, as today she has dressed herself in a plain pink sweater paired with a chunky necklace that may or may not have been bought at a homemade jewelry party. They visit his house before heading to her hotel, which I hope to God is not the same hotel Becca is in. Not like it would matter, since she's currently enthralled with the fact that her minibar fridge is cold on the inside but not on the outside. Unable to say anything meaningful to Whitney, Chris makes a vague comment about reciprocating her feelings, no matter what happens. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS?? Scary talk, Chris. Scary. Talk.

We get one final shirtless moment with Chris as he looks out his hotel window and finally Neil Lane arrives with the engagement rings and really sets this thing in motion. Maybe it's the way this has been edited, but Chris seems incredibly unsure of his decision, to his point that the day of the proposal arrives AND HE STILL HAS NOT MADE A FREAKING DECISION. Dude, this is the woman you're marrying! Shouldn't it be obvious? Chris has chosen to propose in his barn, which holds fond memories for him of playing and raising pigs (seriously, someone get this guy Rosetta Stone or a copy of Talking For Dummies), and the first limo pulls up. Everyone knows that the first girl out is always the loser, so we all hold our collective breath as they reveal...

BECCA!!! I know it's cold and all, but the long velvet wine colored gown she is wearing would look more appropriate at an upscale Renaissance Faire than in this barn. Chris stumbles over his words, gives us a crazy good fake out, and finally rejects her for not being ready for the relationship. She stares at him, blinks, and says, "Blah blah pretty pretty boring boring it's okay." She doesn't shed a single tear, or even deign to move her face a single inch as Chris walks her out to the limo. And then inside the limo? Nada. Nothing. Not a drop of emotion. She claims she is in a state of shock and that she was falling in love with him, but I'm pretty sure it's just what was programmed into her Computer Control Center, located right where her heart should be.

Whitney arrives, looking beautiful and elegant in a long blue (black? Why are colors hard all of a sudden?) gown,

shaking like a leaf because she is so excited and scared (insert Little Red joke here, I already used that like 5 recaps ago). She immediately makes a speech to him, making me think SHE might actually drop down on a knee and propose, but she finally shuts her trap and lets him get on with it. He is finally allowed to say "I love you," and he seals the deal with a really sweet, romantic proposal. They snuggle and make out in the barn, The Sex and the City Sisters Formerly Known As Destiny's Child rejoice, and the population of Arlington increases to 401.

BUT OF COURSE it's not over yet! We still have an hour of After the Final Rose, where Host Chris sits down with Farmer Chris, Becca and Whitney for some final thoughts. First Chris and Becca face off, and it's like watching a torturous five minutes of two people making small talk at a bar before their mutual friend arrives. Becca seems to have had some talking lessons, so that's fun, but all in all it reveals nothing and Becca is totally happy being an android.

Next, Whitney comes out and she and Chris finally get to kiss in public! My mouth hurts from smiling because they're just so damn cute. It comes out that Whitney decided not to watch the show, which is probably smart since, well, Becca. Chris makes some bizarre comment about how he wanted to find someone who is just like his sisters, and Whitney fits that bill. Record scratch...huh? Did he just say he wants to marry his sisters? Does that make him the Jay-Z to their Bey and Solange? Are they gonna fight over him in an elevator? Are there any elevators in Arlington?

In any case, they are happy. We cut to Ashley S. in the audience, who I think accepts their offer to be on Bachelor in Paradise next season. It's never clear with that one. Jimmy Kimmel comes out and does a great standup set, but the big announcement of the night is:

WHO IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE?? Well, we are in luck. And by in luck, I mean not at all in luck. Because next season, there are going to be two, count 'em, TWO Bachelorettes: Kaitlyn (yay!) and Britt (what the f*ck?). Chris Harrison insists that the nation was divided so evenly that they decided to give both girls a chance, and the 25 men that make up the contestant pool will decide which lady they would rather compete for. So like, The Most Dramatic 2 on 25 Date EVER. If I was dead, I'd be rolling over in my grave.

And that brings us to the end of our journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading this, and for all of the positive words. I wouldn't love this show nearly as much without being able to share it with all of you. I would give every single one of you a rose, but it's like real expensive for a dozen at my bodega.

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Photo Credit:
1 and 3) Nicole Kohl | ABC
2) The Other Bacehlors of Arlington (oh yea, that's real)

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