TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Quotables - Week of 11/10

Below, check out quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of November 10 - November 14:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.10.14
Well, both President Obama and former President George W. Bush were interviewed on FACE THE NATION over the weekend. And during his interview, President Bush said that there's actually a 50 percent chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Then he said, (BUSH) "But there's an 80 percent chance he won't."

But it was a big deal. It was the 60th anniversary of "Face the Nation." And during his interview President Obama said that our country doesn't "fear the future, we grab it." Because nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience. No fear.

Well here's some good news. Last week, the state of Texas was declared Ebola-free after the last person that was being monitored did not develop the virus. So good news, now Texas is just as dangerous as it used to be! (Is that rattlesnake holding a gun? He shot me! He bit me!)

Here's an international story. During a speech this weekend, former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev warned that the world is on the brink of a new Cold War. Then even Gorbachev was like, (RUSSIAN) "Wait - I'm still alive??" (I'm one of those people I thought died 10 years ago!)

Check this out. I heard that Pepsi is testing a new drink flavor, which is a mix between Mountain Dew and Doritos. Or as stoners call that, "Instant Breakfast." (STONER) "Is it 3 p.m. already??" (SING SONG) Ya gonna love it in an instant!

Listen to this. Scientists in Australia have discovered a vaccine they say can treat chlamydia in wild koala bears. Which is one of those stories you don't want to seem too happy about it. (AUSSIE) "They cured chlamydia in Koalas! I mean...good for them. Not for me. I never got drunk and had sex with a koala!

Well, the October jobs report was released last week and it showed that unemployment has hit its lowest point in six years. Also hitting its lowest point? Anyone who tried that new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

And I thought this was ridiculous. I read that Paris could start fining people for taking pictures of the Eiffel Tower at night time because the nightly light show is copyrighted. That explains France's new tourism slogan: Go home!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.11.14
President Obama is over in China right now for the big economic summit in Beijing. And I saw that the President wore a traditional purple SILK shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. You know, after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON. (PUTIN) "Wait - buttons go in front, or back?" (Where do I put feet?)

And after President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that "Net Neutrality' is Obamacare for the Internet." While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare. ("Move on, buddy. We all have.)

Some more political news. I read a profile in the New Republic that refers to senior White House advisor Valerie Jarrett as the "Obama Whisperer." But Jarrett strongly denied this, saying, "(UNINTELLIGIBLE WHISPER) And another thing! (UNINTELLIGIBLE WHISPER)"

Yeah, Valerie Jarrett is referred to as the "Obama Whisperer." Not surprisingly, the "Biden Whisperer" is actually Cesar Millan. (Don't frighten him, or he'll pee on the carpet.)

This isn't good. The restaurant chain Joe's Crab Shack is under fire after its location in Colorado Springs accidentally served alcohol to a bunch of young children. Which explains why the karaoke bar had so many sign-ups for songs from "Frozen." (DRUNK) "Let it go...let it go...let it go..." You're my best friend, mom.

Some sports news. Yesterday, LeBron James apologized to fans for not dunking enough this season. LeBron says he's trying as hard as he can, but at the end of the day, he's just one team.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.12.14
Oh and this was good news, the heroic New York DOCTOR WHO caught EBOLA has been declared completely EBOLA free. And yesterday, President Obama actually called the doctor to thank him for his "selflessness and compassion." Then to be safe, Obama threw his phone in a trash can and lit it on fire. (OBAMA) "Somebody pour peroxide in my ear! Just to be safe."

This was just crazy. The European Space Agency landed a spacecraft on a comet today. Then it got even crazier when they landed it on Kim Kardashian's butt.(Just trust me, it's there. I thought it landed on Uranus.)

And check this out. RadioShack just announced that it will open most of its stores at eight in the morning on THANKSGIVING Day. Of course experts say those stores would do better if they opened even EARLIER - like 1983.

RadioShack says it's staying open to accommodate their target demo: people who forgot to bring an iPhone charger to their parents' house. I gotta get some juice on this thing. I need a distraction.

This kinda makes me nervous. A Google owned robotics company has created an enormous robot named Ian, and taught it to re-enact a famous scene from "The Karate Kid." Yeah, they taught a robot karate - which it's probably gonna need, with a name like "Ian." (ROBOT) "My name is Megabot 500. What is yours?" (SAD ROBOT) "Ian.

Well this is too bad. Randy Jackson announced that after 13 seasons, he will not be returning to "American Idol." He said he wanted to go out when the show was on top, but then decided to wait another seven years.

I thought this was interesting. According to a new study, parents are overjoyed with the birth of their first child, half as excited with the birth of their second, and only somewhat excited about their third child. Researchers don't know why parents get less excited, but they say it's probably the middle child's fault.

And finally, this week, China celebrated "Singles Day," which is sort of like an anti-Valentine's-Day holiday where single people buy themselves presents. Or as we call that in America - "Valentine's Day."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.13.14
It's rumored that President Obama is planning to announce a new ten-part immigration plan before Thanksgiving. And YOU thought your family wouldn't have anything to argue about this year!

This is pretty big. Yesterday, the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse? It's like, it should have happened years ago.

Of course, everybody's still talking about Kim Kardashian, after she posed partially nude on the cover of Paper Magazine. And get this. It's rumored that Kim didn't actually get paid for any of the photos. But she DOES have a pretty good deal on the back-end. (She's knows how to manage her assets.) There's a crack in the plan.

Oh this is kinda cool. I saw that Prince took his first SELFIE yesterday with an actual camera, because his publicist says he doesn't own a cellphone. Or in other words, I guess he's STILL partying like it's 1999.

And finally, this is pretty embarrassing. During his attempt to set the record for longest uninterrupted weather report last night, our pal Al Roker accidentally left his microphone on while he used the bathroom - and he said, quote, "Live stream has a new meaning." Though at HIS age, I think it's more like "scattered showers."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.14.14
After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline next week, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. Yeah, they're hoping the pipe will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's next photo shoot. ("LOT of oil, It comes from somewhere.")

That's right, the pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. Yeah, it'll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, "Eh...second biggest."

This was pretty cool. This week, Bill Clinton tweeted a photo of himself reading George W. Bush's new book "41." Then George W. Bush responded to THAT post on Instagram. Then John McCain said "You two are hilarious..." by telegraph. Amazing.

Oh, this is pretty scary. There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaeda met at a farm house in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again - two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties can NOT. (WHAT is going on???!!)

And yesterday, the Russian Army announced a new plan to modernize most of their weapons over the next six years. Obama was like, (OBAMA) "Uh...you said six years, right? (I'll be in Scottsdale, y'all. I'll be golfing.)

Hey, listen to this. I heard that a slice of cake from Prince William and Kate Middleton's 2011 wedding will be auctioned off in December. So if you want a piece of 3-year-old cake - just eat a Twinkie. I mean they're just 80 cents each.

Some business news. Billionaire Warren Buffet announced yesterday that he is paying three billion dollars to buy all of Duracell's 50 million shares. Buffet said he only wanted to buy 3 shares, but Duracell only sells them in packs of 50 million.

Get this. There are reports that the National Health Organization has invested over ten million dollars to develop video games designed to fight obesity. Then EBOLA was like, (POINTING TO SELF) "Hey, no rush."

To post a comment, you must register and login.