Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller's investigation, which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. Just ask his wife Melanie."
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe saying, 'Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History.' You know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean spirited it is. It's not every day that a black man can root for the Feds, but I am really enjoying this. I feel like I'm watching Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of Starbucks."
CHE - "Rudy Giuliani claimed that his legal team has been told 'off the record' of an informant in the Trump campaign. Which is hilarious, 'cause Giuliani is like one of those rappers that sings about all the people he's shot, and then he finally gets locked up for it, and says, 'Yo, I think somebody's snitching!'"
JOST - "It was reported that President Trump talks to Sean HANNITY almost every night before bed. Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but 'Poor Sean Hannity!' Can you imagine a worse voice to hear right before you go to sleep? It's just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of cheeseburger wrappers. And was that a flush? Also, Sean Hannity's a journalist. Can you imagine if Obama had been calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed? I mean Anderson can. I just think HANNITY loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, 'No, Mr. President, you hang up.'"
CHE - "Trump promised 'protections' for Kim Jong Un if he makes a deal during their meeting, but warned that if talks fall apart he would 'decimate' them. You know, real Nobel Peace Prize stuff - reminds me of Martin LUTHER King's famous speech, 'Dream or Nightmare.' Take your pick."
JOST - "New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with President Trump, in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing. Adding, 'And which is THE ONE that shows "Property Brothers?"' And for real, Trump asked this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So you know homey got HPV."
CHE - "Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem. Or as they call a ribbon cutting ceremony in Israel 'A bris.'"
CHE - "Earlier today, 'Suits' actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma."
CHE - "A report has found that 86 percent of people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or Latino. Well duh! We're the only ones they search. That's like saying, the only people that have STDs are the people that take tests for STDs. We're not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they searched black dudes in hoodies, prisons would look like a Dave Matthews concert. People are always talking about needing diversity in Hollywood. You know where we really need diversity? Jail. Forget about 'Oscars So White,' how about Prison's too black."
JOST - "A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia, while the least fit city in the country was once again Man Boobs, Louisiana."
JOST - "American Airlines has revised its guidelines to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs onboard as emotional support ANIMALS. Meanwhile over at Spirit Airlines, it's still a full-on Noah's Ark!"
CHE - "A non-profit group has announced plans to create a library on the moon. 'Cool,' said kids in Chicago."
CHE - "Police in Philadelphia say that a 6 year-old girl in a kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student's backpack. The student was bringing the cocaine in for 'Show And Tell, Tell Tell!'"
CHE - "The Boy Scouts of America agreed this week to allow girls into their organization. 'Cause somebody's gotta sew those badges on."
JOST - "A restaurant in Texas has created a controversy by putting pictures of Bruce Jenner on the men's room door and Caitlyn Jenner on the women's room door. Even worse, they called the Handicap door, 'Rob.'"
CHE - "Pennsylvania police arrested a one-armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police say the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her."
JOST - "Porn HUB has released their parody of the musical, 'Hamilton.' In the Porn version, Hamilton absolutely throws away his shot."
CHE - "The 'New York Daily News' published an editorial calling for New York to legalize marijuana, saying that the current laws primarily hurt people of color. But since it's the 'Daily News,' the headline read, 'Pot Cigs Catch Nigs.'"
JOST - "Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic-surgery obsessed woman known as 'Catwoman,' has filed for bankruptcy. But don't worry about Jocelyn. From the looks of her, this is one cat who always lands on her face."