Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 4/10-4/13

Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 4/10-4/13

Check out quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 4/10-4/13 below:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.10.18

Guys we have the winner of the Masters, Patrick Reed on the show tonight. I read that President Trump congratulated him on winning the masters. Reed was excited, cuz it's always nice to be complimented by another full-time golfer.

Speaking of the president. Yesterday the FBI raided the office of Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen. You know it's bad when you call your lawyer and your lawyer's like, "You gotta speak to my lawyer."

The raid happened after the FBI got a search warrant. Trump was surprised to learn that you need permission before you can just start grabbing stuff.

But it looks like Michael Cohen is in some serious trouble. In fact, Cohen is so screwed, that today he paid HIMSELF 130,000 dollars.

And today, Mark Zuckerberg testified in Congress about Facebook's data leak. His opening statement was six pages long - or as your aunt calls that: one Facebook post.

Some entertainment news. The movie "A Quiet Place" just had a huge weekend at the box office. The cast was so excited when they heard. They were like, (QUIET FIST PUMP, MOUTH) "YES! THAT'S AWESOME!"

I saw that credit card companies will no longer require a signature to prove your identity. They said if there's any doubt, they'll just get your credit card number from Facebook.

Get this. After a Florida woman was caught with cocaine in her purse, she told police a gust of wind must've blown it in there. The officer was furious, until a gust of wind blew a joint into his mouth and he totally relaxed.

And finally, I saw that a bar in London now has a drink menu that's just for dogs. Which explains why every dog there tells their owner, (DRUNK) "No man, you're MY best friend!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.11.18

Guys, our musical guest tonight is Five Seconds of Summer! They're performing their song "Want You Back," which I gotta assume is about President Obama.

Well, the big news is that today, House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that he's retiring from Congress. He said he wants to spend more time with his children at home, and less time with the child in the White House.

That's right, Paul Ryan is retiring. He says that after 20 years in Congress, it's time to let someone else get nothing done.

I read that Ryan made his decision during Congress's last recess. When he heard that, President Trump was like "Wait - they get recess?!" ("Not fair!")

Oh, and get this. The last Speaker of the House, John Boehner, just joined a company that sells weed. Which is why he got a text from Paul Ryan that said, "You read my mind, bro!"

And on Twitter this morning, Trump threatened Russia with missiles that are quote, "nice and smart." Then Americans were like, "Can we make one of those missiles president?"

In Congress, I saw that a Senator told Mark Zuckerberg that Facebook's user agreement "sucks." Even Mark Zuckerberg was like, "Wait - you actually READ Facebook's user agreement?"

I heard about a new trend called "Garden Eyebrows" where people paint their eyebrows green, then glue on flowers. Apparently it was invented by someone who doesn't know what a Snapchat filter is.

And finally, this is very nice. A 112-year-old man in Japan was just named the world's oldest man. He's very happy, and says he'll remember this moment for the rest of his week.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.12.18

President Trump was supposed to go to South America today, but he canceled, and Mike Pence went instead. For South America, it was like ordering a Jaëgerbomb, then getting a Shirley Temple.

And get this. Even though the FBI raided his office, Trump's lawyer said he'd rather "jump out of a building than turn on Trump." When Melania heard the words "turn on" and "Trump," she said SHE was gonna jump out of a building.

Speaking of the FBI, investigators are looking into whether the National Enquirer protected Trump by hiding negative stories about him. It might not be true, cuz I read about it in the National Enquirer.

Yeah, they're looking at whether the Enquirer hid embarrassing stories about Trump. People were shocked. They said, "Wait - he's got embarrassing stories that we DON'T know about?!"

The president has been very busy. This morning he tweeted that an attack on Syria could happen quote, "very soon or not so soon at all." When asked if he's using a Magic 8 Ball, Trump said, "Ask again later."

Facebook is still in the news. Today I read that most Americans say they still like Facebook, but they don't TRUST it. So basically people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib.

Listen to this. A former Playboy Bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83-years-old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, "My Trump hush money ran out."

And finally, Krispy Kreme is teaming up with Chips Ahoy, Nutter Butter and Oreo to make new cookie donuts. Then the president was like, "I told you I'd make America great again!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.13.18

That is a hot New York City crowd tonight! Speaking of New York, I saw that the Knicks fired their coach this week. Knicks fans were shocked, they were like "We had a coach?" (What was he doing?)

And I wanna say congratulations to Khloe Kardashian who gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! Yep, the baby has ten fingers, ten toes, and ten million Instagram followers.

Tuesday is Tax Day! Which means you've got just three days left to either send in your taxes...or become President of America.

That's right, Tax Day is coming up. What's nice about Tax Day is whether you're getting a refund or not, we're all gonna get drunk and buy something we don't need.

Listen to this. I heard about a new bowl with a built-in wall that goes between your milk and your cereal, so the cereal doesn't get soggy. Or as one guy put it, (TRUMP) "The cereal should make the milk pay for that wall!"

Get this. Police in Argentina are in trouble for losing over a thousand pounds of marijuana, and then saying the weed was eaten by mice. Meanwhile there's totally a mouse out there like, (STONER VOICE) "I need cheese, brah!"

I heard that scientists say there's currently a giant hole on the surface of the sun, but it's probably nothing to worry about. Anyway, happy Friday the 13th everybody!

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