Check Out Highlights From SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che
Check out highlights from last weekend's SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S Weekend Update With Colin Jost and Michael Che:
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "You know, I gotta admit President Trump had a pretty good week. He helped secure the release of three American prisoners from North Korea, and when he greeted them at the airport, he didn't even say, 'Wait, I thought they were Americans.'"
JOST - "Trump bragged that him getting the prisoners was 'probably the highest ever television ratings for three o'clock in the morning.' Which is not true. The 3 a.m. ratings record was set on election night by liberals hoping they were being pranked."
"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "I mean, sure this has been a 'decent week' for Donald Trump. The same way a 'decent date' with R Kelly is to go home dry. Personally, I don't like when Trump is this quiet. It's like when I'm babysitting my nephew and he's quiet for too long, and I'm like 'Oh no, he's eating out of that litter box again.'"
CHE - "According to a report, Michael Cohen was paid $600,000 by AT&T to advise them on their 85 billion dollar merger. AT&T could not be reached for comment because they use AT&T."
JOST - "President Trump attacked the Russia investigation and insisted that obstruction of justice is quote 'a made-up phony crime.' Oh, the crime you're accused of? That one's made up? It's funny how when it comes to immigration, Trump is like, 'The law is the law.' But when it comes to himself, he's like 'Laws aren't real. They're just stories we make up to scare poor people.'"
CHE - "President Trump announced that he would be withdrawing the U.S. from the Iran Nuclear Deal. And look, I'm not gonna pretend I know anything about the Iran Deal, but Trump is. You know the only part of that deal Trump has read was the signature on the bottom that said Barack Obama. Trump is undoing so much of Obama's work that Obama is gonna start fading away in pictures, like 'Back to the Future.'"<
JOST - "Rudy Giuliani has resigned from his law firm to become President Trump's attorney full-time. His first task will be to undo all the damage he did working part-time."
JOST - "Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that undocumented parents entering the U.S. would be separated from their children. Unless they can guess that his real name is Rumplestiltskin."
CHE - "First Lady Melania Trump, or as I call her, 'sexy ass Michael Jackson,' launched a campaign to stop cyberbullying called 'Be Best.' As in, 'It would be best if you got a divorce.'"
JOST - "Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. Diesel says he can't wait to find out whether the degree is in Fahrenheit or Celsius."
CHE - "Police arrested a legless woman in Florida who was wanted for skipping a court date. It's a rare case of a legless person skipping."
CHE - "Police at Yale University interrogated a black graduate student after a white student reported her for sleeping in the common room. So if you're black and go to Yale, stay woke! You know, I feel like next time a scary white lady calls the cops on an innocent black person, we should get something. I don't know, like 50 bucks. Call it the 'Megan tax.' That way, when black people hear sirens, we can be like, 'Oh cool. Imma make rent.'"
JOST - "The CEO of Starbucks said that no one would ever again be forced to buy an item before using one of their restrooms. At least that's what the guy who cleans the Starbucks bathroom wrote in his suicide note."
CHE - "Officials in Colorado are searching for the man who was reportedly harassing a moose by chasing it down the street. Said the man, 'I like my gals thick.'"
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