Below, check out quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of February 16 - February 20
It's this massive snowstorm. Just wanna say hey to all our friends in the Northeast, hope you guys are all safe. They just keep getting more and more snow. In fact, I heard that parts of New England got so much snow yesterday, meteorologists referred to it as "12 hours of hell." Or as single people called that, "Valentine's Day."
Actually, I thought "12 hours of hell" in New England was just asking somebody for directions. (ACCENT) "Ohhh, headed to Provincetown are ya? Take 128 South. Look for the fourth Dunkin' Donuts on the left. Then there's a roundabout there pally and uh..."
Of course, last night was the big
SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE 40th Anniversary Show! We'll talk, we'll talk. And I'm not saying it was a long night, but after the monologue I'm gonna need you guys to be quiet for 20 minutes while daddy takes a nap.
Yeah, last night reminded me of all the fun I had doing that show, and waking up this afternoon reminded me why I don't do it anymore.
Some political news. During his a speech at Drake University last week, Joe Biden discussed the economy and said "America is back. America is leading the world." Then he said, "So when do I get to meet Drake?" (I started from the bottom TOO, you know!) Drake University. (Singing)
Some news out of Washington. I read that Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. Yeah, it's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell BETTER.
And this is interesting. Officials in D.C. just announced that the Washington Monument is actually ten inches shorter than previously thought. It got even weirder when the monument was like, "Can you come back and measure in June? It's really cold here, like the coldest weather we've ever had, record cold. Maybe trim the bushes at the bottom - I'm just saying, I'll at least LOOK taller."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.17.15
It's still this rough weather we're having here. The Northeast is experiencing one of the worst winters in history, which means that schools have had a record number of snow days. Yeah, at this rate, the only math kids are doing is how many glasses of wine their mom drinks before 2 pm. "It's the same glass! Stop counting."
It seems like everyone's being hit by snow. In fact, schools and federal offices in Washington D.C. were shut down today after the city received four inches of snow in their first major snowstorm of the season. Or as Boston residents put it, (BOSTON) "Are you frikkin kidding me?" Four inches of snow. I left for work this morning out of a second story window! Cowboy up!"
That's right, President Obama spent Monday playing a round of golf in sunny California, then flew back to Washington on Air Force One. Aaaand ten thousand people stuck at Boston Logan just became Republicans. Very interesting how that happens.
And during a recent interview, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed that she has banned boxed macaroni and cheese from the White House. Though it's been tough on Biden, cuz he couldn't make his wife any jewelry for Valentine's Day. (BIDEN) "Coulda given a heads up! All right, turkey hand it is. Here you go."
This is pretty interesting. I heard that George Washington may have been one of the first people to use medical marijuana to alleviate the pain from his teeth, which were made of ivory, brass and gold. Which means he was also the first Lil Wayne. (He smoked weed and had grills!)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.18.15
Of course, it's this frigid weather in the Northeast. In fact, I read that officials are worried all the snow and freezing temperatures could really put a strain on hospitals. Not now, in nine months when every woman in Boston is giving birth at the same time. (SHRUG, BOSTON) "Can't go outside, come on now, let's do it."
Some political news. Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, "There's only one Chris Christie." Yep, he said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he's buying seats on a plane. That's the only time. He said that.
I heard about a new book called "Party Like a President," which gives recipes for past presidents' favorite drinks like Eisenhower, who loved eggnog and Thomas Jefferson who liked white-wine spritzers. And George W. Bush, who liked finger paint. (BUSH) "Blue is my favorite flavor!"
Hey, If you're single you might want to listen to this. I read about a new dating app that matches users based on personality questions rather than looks. The questions are "Are you hot?" "No, seriously are you hot?" and "Are you lying about being hot? You can tell which person...
Oh, check this out. I just read about the world's largest super-yacht, which will be 222 meters long and cost over one billion dollars. And this is true - it's called the "Triple Deuce." I'm sorry, I read that wrong. It's the "Triple Douche."
And finally, a pretty sweet story here. I heard about a man in New Jersey who has written
ONE LOVE letter every day to his wife since 1975. And he signs every letter with the phrase "I love you, my darling," and the symbol for infinity. And this is sweet - his wife responds to every letter with a text message that says "k."
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.19.15
Jeb Bush gave a big speech on national security, yesterday. And he had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS had 200 thousand men instead of 20 thousand, and then mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House. (DUMB) "I wanna have a beer with him, and I think I'm smarter than him. I like it."
And get this. During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of Al Qaeda posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. Which would have worked better if he'd remembered to shave his beard. (DEEP VOICE, ACCENT) "Hello. I am Tiffany. I like glass of wine and destroying America."
A little controversy here. This week, the admissions office at the prestigious Carnegie Mellon University accidentally sent out 800 acceptance letters to rejected applicants. Meanwhile the DeVry Institute accidentally rejected its first applicant ever. The whole week has been nuts. "What happened, man? Get back to welding. This was a computer programming class!"
This is sweet. I read about a man in Arkansas who asked his ex-wife to marry him again, 43 years after they got divorced. Then their kids said, "Aw man, now we only get ONE Christmas!" (Those kids are in their mid-40's! They should fend for themselves.)
That's right, a man asked his ex-wife to marry him again, 43 years after they got divorced. She couldn't remember why they ever split up in the first place; then he started slurping his soup and she was like "Nope! Can't do it! I forgot about that. Ugh!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.20.15
Of course, this Sunday is the 87th annual Academy Awards. It's the time of year when all the biggest movie stars get together and try to piece together what happened after they blacked out at the Golden Globes.
I heard that this year's Oscar nominee gift bags are each worth over 167 thousand dollars and include items like free luxury car rentals and a stay at a five star hotel in Tuscany. As opposed to the Emmys, where we get an
AOL CD and two loose Twizzlers. And we're happy with that. Last year we got one Twizzler. And a spit-up Skittle.
Some political news here. Yesterday, President Obama announced something called "Every Kid in a Park" that will give fourth graders and their families free admission to national parks for an entire year. Marking the first time even kids were saying, (KID, SARCASTIC) Yeah, "Thanks, Obama." Always wanted to go.
Yeah, President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to parks for a year. You can tell kids don't get outside enough, cuz the last time they saw a sunset they were like, "Hey, there's that thing I saw on Instagram!" Like! How do I like it? I don't know how...
It was just announced that Vice President Joe Biden will be traveling to New Hampshire next week. Some say he's just drumming up support for 2016, while Biden was like, "Nah, I just want to see that new hamster!" ("Where is it? Will he be my friend?") New...ah, forget it.
And listen to this. Researchers at Yale University have discovered why weed gives people the munchies. The researchers said it has to do with cells that trigger appetite, while their boss said, "Nobody asked you guys to study this." We want to see why weed makes you cough. (You're supposed to be curing measles! Focus up!)
And finally, here's some good news. This week, Wal-Mart announced that in the next six months, it will increase its employees hourly wages by 40 percent. Workers are pretty excited. You know, cuz they'll finally make enough money to shop at Target. It's great. A real step up. (This place sucks! I would never shop here.)
